Thoughtful (Thoughtless, #1.5)(194)

She got off work around the normal time though. She exited the bar with Jenny, and I got out of my car. Wondering if she’d notice me watching her, I leaned against my car door with my arms folded across my chest. I could tell the instant she spotted me. Stopping in her tracks, she stared at me like she was seeing a ghost. I had to smile at her reaction. Did she really think I wouldn’t give her a ride home, now that we were together? What kind of crappy boyfriend would that make me? Wait…was I her boyfriend now?

Kiera exchanged a few words with Jenny, gave her a hug, then turned to me. Jenny grabbed her arm before she got too far and the pair exchanged a few more words. I could easily imagine what they were—You need to tell Denny, you need to end this, you can’t be with two guys at the same time. I agreed with Jenny, but there was no way to guarantee that Kiera would be with me on the other side of her decision. Pressing the point might mean the end of us. And we were finally together…I just wanted one minute of heaven, so I could know what it felt like to be loved by somebody. Finally.

Jenny gave me a wave, then headed over to her car. Eager to reunite, Kiera bounded across the lot to me. Her approach warmed me in a way I couldn’t articulate. It sounded completely cheesy, but she completed me.

She was grinning ear to ear when I took her hand and led her around to the other side of the car. With the radiant energy emanating from each of us, it was almost like we hadn’t seen each other in days, not hours. She missed me.





Scene Two





Confessions




Kiera paused to take it all in. “Kellan…wow…it’s beautiful.”

Leaning against the railing, I paused to take her in. “Yes, it is.” Opening my arms wide, I added, “Come here.”

She walked over and wrapped her arms around me, and I looped mine around her. Content with her in my arms, I shifted my gaze to take in the lights of the city. It really was magnificent up here.

I could feel Kiera’s eyes on me. After a moment of inspection, she whispered, “Why me?” I wasn’t sure how this conversation would begin, but explaining why she’d caught my eye seemed as good a place as any.

Shifting my gaze to her, I smiled. “You have no idea how attractive you are to me. I kind of like that.” It was just one of the many things about her that made her different. Kiera blushed in a beautifully modest way, and I paused as I pondered how to explain everything to her. “It was you and Denny…your relationship.”

I knew that wouldn’t make sense to her, so I wasn’t surprised when she frowned. “What do you mean?” she asked, threading her fingers through the hair above my ear. Suddenly faced with opening my heart, I felt my nerves spring to life and I looked back over the city. I wasn’t sure if I could do this. Kiera grabbed my cheek and made me look at her. She wanted me to stop hiding; she wanted an answer. “What do you mean, Kellan?”

With a sigh, I looked down. I couldn’t stay quiet anymore. Not with her. I needed to open up and tell her everything. Show her everything. Hopefully it didn’t hurt too much, although it couldn’t hurt as much as the thought of losing her. “I can’t explain this properly, without…without clarifying something Evan said.”

Kiera thought for a moment, then said, “When you told him, quite rudely, by the way, to back off?”

Wishing we were already past this part and she already knew, I murmured, “Yeah.”

“I don’t understand—what does that have to do with me?”

I shook my head with a sad smile. “Nothing…everything.”

She seemed amused by that. “Eventually you’re going to start making sense, right?”

I laughed and looked out over the skyline. “Yeah…just give me a minute.” Or three, or four. I can do this…

Respecting my wishes, Kiera put her head on my shoulder and held me tight. As I held her head in place and rubbed her back, I felt my unease dissolving. This wasn’t just anyone I was opening up to. This was Kiera. She had my heart, every corner of it, so what did it matter if she knew about the darkness that surrounded me? She would love me anyway. I was sure of that. My secrets were safe with her. I was safe with her.

I began quietly, because it was the only way I could get the words out. “You and Evan were right about the women. I’ve been…using them…for years.” I’d been too angry at the time to admit it to myself when Evan had cornered me about it in the back room, but now I could clearly see what I’d been doing to women my entire life as I’d aimlessly searched for a connection with someone. Anyone. I’d used them to make myself feel better. To make myself feel worthwhile, even if it was just for a moment.

Kiera had an odd, hurt expression on her face. “For years? Not just because of me?”

Smiling, I tucked some hair behind her ears. “No…although that certainly made it worse.” So much worse. I’d been completely obsessed with finding a distraction, a replacement. I’d been so stupid. There was no replacing her.

Kiera shifted her stance, a little uncomfortable. “You shouldn’t use people, Kellan…for any reason.”

I found that response ironic, and I called her on it. “You didn’t use me, to block out Denny our first time?” I knew she had. The way she’d been drowning her sorrows in alcohol…she’d gulped me down with just as much ferocity. She’d used me to abolish Denny in her mind. Embarrassed by the truth, Kiera averted her eyes. I grabbed her chin and made her look at me again. “It’s okay, Kiera. I suspected that.”