Thoughtful (Thoughtless, #1.5)(197)
I ran both of my hands down her hair to her cheeks, calming her. “I know that, Kiera.” It surprised me, but I felt better after sharing my painful history with her. Sure, I hadn’t gone into all the gory details, but she knew the truth. Someone, finally, knew the truth. “I’ve never told anyone that before. Not Evan, not Denny…no one.”
Underestimating how important she was to me, Kiera asked, “Why did you tell me?”
I smiled as I stared at her. Because I don’t want you to be disturbed by what I’m going to tell you next. “I want you to understand. Can you imagine, growing up in a home filled with such loathing?” Picturing laughter, warmth, and a home full of happiness, I ran a finger down her cheek. “No, I’d imagine you were surrounded by love…”
I needed to move to make my next set of confessions, and honestly, I didn’t want to spend our entire evening in one spot, missing out on the rest of this amazing view, so I stood us up straight, grabbed her hand, and told her to come with me. We walked along the inner railing in silence while I debated how to tell her about my “whoring.”
I supposed, like the rest of my story, I had to start at the beginning. “I was quiet as a child. I kept to myself. I had no real friends to speak of. I had my guitar—that was my closest relationship.” Remembering my isolation, and what I’d done to break free of it, a laugh escaped me. “God, I was pathetic.”
Not agreeing with my self-assessment, Kiera stopped me and grabbed my cheek. “Kellan, you were not—”
Her attempt was appreciated, but unnecessary. Kissing her hand, I removed it from my skin. “No, I was, Kiera.” Resuming our walk, I continued explaining. “Let me clarify…I was pathetically lonely. And then…quite by accident on my part, I assure you…I discovered something that made me feel, for the first time ever…wanted, cared for…almost…loved,” I whispered, remembering the girl who had shown me there was more to life than just pain.
“Sex?” Kiera asked, interpreting my easy reference.
“Hmmm…” I said in agreement. My father hated me for the lie he was given…and the truth he suspected. My mother hated me for driving away her one true love, for ruining her life. They both despised me, and they both let me know it. Over and over again. I’d needed an escape, and I’d found one…
“Sex. I was young that first time, which you’ve probably already pieced together.” Kiera blushed, and I knew she was thinking about our failed attempt to platonically share a bed. I’d messed up in several different ways that night; giving details about losing my virginity was only one of the things that I shouldn’t have done.
I shook my head as we continued our stroll along our scenic route. We were sneaking glances at the glorious beauty around us, but neither one of us was really paying too much attention outside. What was happening inside was too important. “Probably way too young, but I didn’t know it wasn’t…okay. It just felt like someone finally cared. I started…” Knowing Kiera wouldn’t like this, and feeling a little ashamed, I averted my eyes from her. “I started repeating that feeling as often as I could. Even back then, it was shockingly easy for me. There was always someone, and I didn’t care who, who would want to be with me. I kind of got obsessed with it…with feeling that connection. Who knows, maybe I still—”
Suddenly, it occurred to me that I’d just told Kiera that I used to sleep with anything that walked my way. True, she probably already suspected that, but I felt really strange confirming it. I felt…dirty. Was that how she saw me? Dirty? Stopping in my tracks, I cautiously asked, “Do you think less of me?”
Looking truly sympathetic, Kiera laid a hand on my arm. “Kellan, I couldn’t possibly think any less of you.”
I knew what she’d intended to say, but the way it came out struck me as funny and I laughed. And relaxed. She had a way of making me feel better, even when she didn’t realize she was doing it. With an embarrassed cringe, she looked away from me. “You know what I mean.”
“You really are truly adorable,” I told her, love and amusement mingling in my voice.
“How old were you?” she asked, clearly trying to change the subject and salvage her pride.
A part of me wanted to lie, but I knew that was a defense mechanism. Bucking up, I told her the truth. “I was twelve. In her defense, I told her I was fourteen. She bought that. I don’t think she really cared though.”
Kiera’s jaw dropped in surprise, but she managed to shut it again pretty quickly. I knew it was young, and I knew it sounded bad. There were worse stories out there, a lot worse, but mine still wasn’t pretty. I’d grown up too fast.
Tears were forming in her eyes as Kiera stared at me. I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not. Was she disgusted, or did she understand? Or maybe both. She could completely get it and still be sickened. That was a possibility. Was this a deal breaker for her? Would she say it was all too much, that she couldn’t handle my past?
As if she could see my fears on my face, Kiera leaned over and gave me a brief kiss. My worry vanished. She might be concerned, but she was okay with it…this didn’t change anything between us.
“So, you use women to feel…love?” she softly asked.
Feeling stupid, I looked at the ground. “I didn’t realize it at the time. I really didn’t even think about it, until you. I couldn’t figure out why you were so different to me. I know now that it’s not right…” I raised my eyes to hers. “But it was something. It made me feel less…lonely.” A tear dropped to Kiera’s cheek, and I brushed it away. It made me feel better that she wasn’t judging me harshly for my actions. I hadn’t known. But there was a part of this she wasn’t considering. No one did. Sex was a two-way street, and the girls I generally ended up with knew as little about me as I knew about them.