Thoughtful (Thoughtless, #1.5)(201)
“Do you think less of me now?” I asked her.
With her chin raised, she shook her head. Looking away from her, I sighed. “I’m so sorry I yelled at you, Kiera.” If I had just left her alone in the club, let her dance the night away with Denny, none of that would have happened. But jealousy, pain, and passion had taken away all of my common sense. I’d made a move, toyed with her mind and her heart, and then I’d called her a tease and a whore. I was such a dick.
When I returned my eyes to hers, I knew mine were glistening. Kiera ran a hand back through my hair. “I know you are sorry…I remember.”
Idiocy flowed through me when I realized what she was referring to. My breakdown. “Ah, yes, me sobbing like a baby…not my finest hour.”
I tried to avert my eyes, but she grabbed my cheek and made me look at her. “I disagree. If you hadn’t, if I hadn’t seen that remorse, I probably would never have spoken to you again.”
As she stared at me, I remembered the absolute, soul-crushing grief I’d felt that night. It was so much more than guilt that had driven me over the edge. I thought that in that one stupid moment of anger, I’d lost everything I’d been waiting my entire life to have—someone who cared about me. “It wasn’t just remorse. True, I felt horrible for speaking to you like that…but mostly, I was sure that I had just completely severed the only loving relationship I’ve ever had. I knew I’d lost you. I knew you were completely Denny’s then. I saw it in your eyes, and I knew I’d never have a chance with you—none.”
The grief in my heart spilled out of my eye, and Kiera wiped the single tear away with her thumb. I haven’t lost her. She’s still with me. “I never expected you to…comfort…me. No one’s ever done that…ever. You don’t know how much that meant to me.”
I could barely get the words out, my voice was trembling so much. Swallowing, I took a moment to collect my emotions. Kiera leaned in to kiss me, but I minutely pulled away. I needed to say this. She needed to know. “I was so scared to be near you after that. I allowed myself one last goodbye with you in the kitchen, but I didn’t want to touch you anymore.” Searching her eyes, I hoped she understood what I was about to say. “I’m sorry that I hurt you, but I needed to be distracted from you, to make sure I never took things so far again.”
Kiera’s face still resonated with empathy. I couldn’t take it, not with what I needed to apologize for next. Pulling her hand away from my cheek, I looked out over the water. “I’m so sorry about all the women, Kiera. I never should have hurt you like that. I didn’t want to…Well, maybe a part of me did. I just—”
She cut me off. “You don’t…you already apologized for that, Kellan.”
“I know.” When I looked back at her, my vision was so watery, I almost couldn’t see her. “I just really feel like I messed up. But you didn’t want me, not in the same way that I wanted you…and I couldn’t bring myself to leave you anymore. I did the only thing I knew, that I’ve ever known, for blocking out the pain. To feel…wanted.” My vision cleared as another tear rolled down my cheek.
“Women,” Kiera stated, only a matter-of-factness in her voice. The word sliced me to the core though. How badly had I messed us up? Would she ever really forgive me for what I’d done?
“Yeah.”
Kiera’s lips twisted into an amused smile. My heart lifted at seeing it. “Lots and lots of women.”
I didn’t want to smile, but I couldn’t help but smile looking at her. I love you so much. “Yeah…I’m sorry.”
Her face was calm, her eyes full of love. “It’s okay. Well, it’s not okay, you still shouldn’t use people…but I think I understand.”
Hoping against hope that she meant that, that she could heart-and-soul forgive me, I peeked up at her from under my eyebrows. Kiera smiled, then leaned forward and gave me the softest kiss, a kiss full of patience, love, joy, and understanding. She got me, I was sure she did. So now, the only question was, did I understand her, and all of her actions? I thought so, but I wanted to make sure.
Pulling away, I asked, “So…?”
She looked a little irritated that my lips were gone, but seemed more confused than anything. “What?”
“Was I right? Did you use me?”
Her expression immediately shifted to guilt as she looked away. “Kellan…”
Yep. She did. But that was okay. I already knew she had, I just wanted to hear her say it. I wanted us on the same page for once. “It’s okay if you did, Kiera. I just…I would like to know.”
She sighed as she looked back at me. “I have always felt…something for you, but…yes, the first time I did use you, and I’m so sorry, that was incredibly wrong of me. If I’d have known that you loved me, I never would have—”
Pride swelled in me that she had admitted it. Admission was the first step…“It’s okay, Kiera.”
“No, it’s not.” Her expression was still glum, but then it softened, along with her voice. “The second time I didn’t. That had nothing to do with Denny. That was about us. That was real. Every touch after that was real.”
Lightness buoyed my heart as her words echoed around my brain. Every touch after that was real. “That’s surprisingly good to hear,” I whispered, staring past her as her spoken thoughts became my own. That was about us. That had nothing to do with Denny. Thinking of Denny, I frowned. He was a good man. He didn’t deserve this. And I didn’t deserve her. I was the odd man out in this triangle, the third wheel, and if I were a good person, I would do the honorable thing and bow out. But hadn’t I tried to do that already? It just never seemed to stick.