The Stocking Was Hung(38)

“This is so much fun!” Nicholas announces.

I shoot him a dirty look and he immediately drops his smile. “Sorry, dude. My bad.”

“Um, I need to tell you guys something,” Noel finally speaks.

“Oh, God! You ARE on drugs! This is your dealer and he’s come to beat you up!” Bev wails. “Reggie, get the extra grocery money out of the cookie jar on the counter. “I won’t let this pimp beat up my baby!”

Reggie shakes his head at her, shooting another glare at Dumb-shit.

“You have five seconds to tell me who you are or I’m going to let Aunt Bobbie escort you off the property,” Reggie tells him.

Aunt Bobbie comes up next to me and cracks the giant knuckles on her huge hands. “Won’t be as much fun as grabbing Logan’s package, but he’ll do.”

“For the last time, I AM LOGAN!” Dumb shit says again in annoyance. “Will you please let me inside? It’s freezing out here and I didn’t bring my coat.”

He looks at Noel pleadingly, reaching into his front pocket and pulling out the largest diamond ring I’ve ever seen in my life. Please, Noel, I can’t stand the thought of you not having this on your finger. I don’t care if you never want to marry me, just please take the ring back and let’s work this out.”

As Noel’s hand comes up and she nervously brushes her hair out of her eyes, Dumb shit’s own eyes immediately zero in on the pathetic excuse for a ring I slipped on her finger last night sparkling in the morning sun streaming through the front door.

“What the hell is that? Is that a ring?” he asks in shock.

Noel quickly pulls her hand down and hides it behind her back, my heart completely breaking in two.

“Oh, dear. He’s a pimp and he’s stupid, this is not good,” Bev mutters. “Leon, leave it to you to find the only stupid pimp in Seattle.”

“Who the hell is Leon?” Dumb shit asks.

“She is,” Reggie replies, his thumb flying in Noel’s direction this time.

“Okay, enough with the Who’s on First, What’s on Second,” Noel says with a sigh. “Everyone, THIS is Logan. The real Logan. And this is Sam.”

She takes turns pointing to each of us and I slide my hands into the pockets of my plaid pajama bottoms, having no clue what else to do with them since I can’t decide if I want to punch dumb shit in the face or wrap my arms around Noel and drag her out of the room and pretend like none of this is happening.

“Who’s Sam?” Bev asks.

“I am,” I answer curtly.

“Am I still high?” Aunt Bobbie mutters from next to me. “Tell me, does anyone see a squirrel wearing a red sweater in the hallway with us right now?”

Everyone ignores Aunt Bobbie and stares at me like I’M the guilty one.

Shit, I AM the guilty one. I lied to these people, I stayed in their home and I ate their food. It wasn’t any big deal until I got to know them and now I feel like the biggest * on the planet.

“Are you a man dressed in women’s clothes?” Dumb-shit says with a grimace as he looks Aunt Bobbie up and down.

Everyone gasps and I pull one hand out of my pocket to pat Aunt Bobbie on the back.

“You look beautiful, darling. That blue sweater really brings out your eyes,” I tell her, trying to calm her down before she starts crying.

“Thank you,” she replies with a smile. “Can I rip his dick off now?”

Dumb-shit gasps and takes a step back on the porch.

That’s right, keep stepping back until you’re back in Seattle and far, far away from here you undeserving piece of shit.

“I think I should shoot him in the balls. What do you think, Sam?” Nicholas asks.

“Will everyone just shut up for a minute?!” Noel shouts, walking forward and grabbing onto Logan’s arm, yanking him inside the warm house and slamming the door closed behind him.

He shivers like a *, wrapping his arms around his body and rubbing his hands up and down his arms, still clutching the giant diamond ring.

“I still don’t understand what’s going on right now. If you’re Logan, and you’re Sam, is Leon still Leon?” Bev asks. “Is this part of your Oklahoma play? Are you all in character? Ooooooh, is it audience participation? I’ve always wanted to be in a play!”

I watch as Noel closes her eyes and bows her head, speaking softly to everyone in the crowded hallway.

“I lost my job, Logan proposed, and I ran without giving him an answer. I met Sam at the airport and convinced him to come home with me and pretend to be Logan because I didn’t want to disappoint you guys,” she blurts out all at once.

The entire family explodes into shouting, yelling and curses, save for Nicholas and I as we stand silently watching the argument unfold in front of us.

“You better fight for her. Don’t let that dumb shit worm his way back into her life,” he whispers to me loudly over the yelling.

“Oh, thank God! This guy is just an actor! Jesus, Noel, you scared the hell out of me when I saw another ring on your finger,” Logan says with a laugh.

Noel doesn’t say anything in response as Bev, Reggie, Aunt Bobbie, and Casey all continue yelling and firing questions at her about what the hell is going on and why she didn’t tell them what had happened to her before she came home.