The Stocking Was Hung(40)

“God, I suck,” I mutter to Nicholas, sniffling and swiping at another round of tears.

“Yep, you definitely suck, Leon.”

I sigh as the room grows darker with the setting sun outside, not even having enough energy to growl at him for agreeing with me instead of saying something to make me feel better. I deserve to feel like shit. I brought Sam here, made him feel like he was part of the family, and then let him go without a fight. Without a word, without any reassurance that my actions with him the last few days were all real and not fake.

“Well, you have one more present to open, will that make you feel better?” Nicholas asks.

I finally push myself up from the floor and sigh. “What are you talking about?”

He gets up from the ground, grabs both of my hands, and drags me up to my feet.

“Something that just came a few minutes ago as soon as it got dark. I have no idea why the hell you would want something like this, but he insisted when he woke me up with a phone call at the ass crack of dawn this morning before you woke up,” Nicholas explains.

He turns and moves toward the front door and my curiosity gets the better of me and I follow behind him, outside into the snow.

“Tada!” Nicholas announces and I finally look up and stare out into the front yard.

A sob flies out of my mouth and I have to cover it with my hand to keep the rest inside.

“I don’t get it, but like I said, he insisted I help him find this stupid thing,” Nicholas explains as I walk in a tear-filled daze down the steps and across the yard until I get to what my brother is currently looking at, shaking his head like it’s the stupidest thing he’s ever seen.

“Don’t you remember? When we were little and would go to Grandma’s house every Christmas Eve, we always looked for this,” I whisper, walking along the wooden figurines, each one standing four-feet-tall and taking up most of the front yard.

When I get to the reindeer in the front, the one with the same blinking red nose, I see a card attached to the nose with a green ribbon and I quickly untie it and rip it open.

“Oh, yeah! Now I remember! That was always the best part of Christmas Eve. Wow, I can’t believe he actually found the exact same sleigh and reindeer. I mean, I gave him the numbers to all of the places that sell decorations and would be open this morning, but it didn’t hit me until just now what he wanted it for,” Nicholas explains while I stare at the card in my hand and cry so hard that the tears don’t even have time to freeze on my cheeks.

Never let go of the magic, Noel. Merry Christmas.

Love, Sam

“Leon, are you okay, why are you crying?” my mom asks, rushing down the steps, most likely when she heard the sound of my pathetic wailing coming from the front yard as I read the note in my hands over and over until I want to now curl up in the snow and freeze to death.

I silently hand her the note when she gets next to me while I stare at the display in our front yard, kicking myself a hundred times for not telling him I love him.

“Well, you’re really in a pickle now, aren’t you?” my mom asks, handing the note back to me. “Why on earth did you bring that poor man here and make him pretend to be your boyfriend?”

“Um, have you MET you, Mom?” Nicholas asks with a laugh. “Could you imagine the shit-show we would’ve had to deal with if Leon came home and told everyone she lost her job, lost a place to live, and walked out on her boyfriend who proposed?”

“YOU LOST YOUR JOB?!” my mother screeches.

“See?! This is exactly why I brought a strange man home and made him pretend to be my boyfriend!” I yell back.

“Calm down, there’s no need to yell,” my mother huffs. “Do you want some pot, dear? It will mellow you out. We have very strong pot.”

I look at her in horror and she shakes her head at me. “Oh, don’t look at me like that, Leon. Your father isn’t the only one with arthritis problems. Is it because you’ve never smoked the pot before? It’s okay, I’ll walk you through your first time. We have plenty of munchies on hand.”

“Mom, I live in Seattle. We can order pot from a menu and have it delivered like pizza,” I retort with a roll of my eyes.

“Wow, so that’s why you moved away and didn’t want to have anything to do with us,” she muses.

I immediately feel guilty. My heart is broken for real this time and now I’m swamped with guilt over what I did to Sam and for what I did to my family when I left.

“Mom, no. That’s not it at all,” I explain. “I just…I needed to have my own life. I needed to try and figure out who I am and what I wanted to do, and I just got lost along the way. I’m a screw-up. I can’t keep a job and no man will every want me because I’m such an idiot and was too much of a chicken to tell him how I feel.”

My mother wraps her arms around me and pulls me against her. “Oh, Leon, you aren’t a screw-up, and I’m sorry if we ever made you feel that way. I just worry about you. I worry about you not finding happiness. I just want you to be happy, sweetie.”

I sniffle into her shoulder. “Sam made me happy.”

She rubs my back and the tears start all over again. “I know he did. I could see it every time you two were together. I’m sorry he left without saying good-bye, but at least you know how he felt about you.”