The Stocking Was Hung(42)

Why the hell did I leave? Why didn’t I stay and at least tell Noel how I feel? I shouldn’t have scurried out of there and ran home like a kicked puppy with my tail between my legs.

Staring around the living room with the same tan-colored walls as when I bought the place five years ago, void of any pictures, and listening to the sound of complete silence used to be soothing. Now it just sucks dick. It’s too quiet in here. I want music, noise, laughter, arguing. I want Noel curled up on the couch next to me, smiling up at me.

I look up again at the framed photo on my mantle and shake my head. For a few days I was part of a family and now it’s gone because I’m a fool. A chicken-shit fool. I’m a God damn Marine. I’ve been to war, I’ve been shot at, I’ve lived in the worse conditions you could imagine for months at a time, and I couldn’t even tell a woman I loved her. Three simple words that just wouldn’t come out when they needed to.

There’s a small knock at my door and my heart starts to beat faster in my chest. I left my address in a note for Nicholas on the kitchen table before I left, stupidly thinking maybe Noel would see it and come here. As I walk across the living room to the front door, I realize it really was a stupid idea. She took the ring back from that schmuck. The ring that would have cost me three years’ worth of salary. Why the hell would she want me when she can have him, even if he is a dumb-shit?

The knock sounds again, louder this time and I pick up my pace, yelling at the closed door.

“I’m coming, I’m coming! Keep your pants on, Yoder. I’ll let you borrow my porn!”

I laugh at my own joke about my Amish neighbors and swing the door open without looking through the small window next to it, my mouth dropping open in shock.

“I’m not really in the market for any porn, but could I borrow a cup of sugar?”

Noel stands on my front porch, still wearing her Christmas pajamas from this morning, shivering as the snow falls gently around her. The glow from my porch light shines on her red-streaked face that looks like it was just recently scrubbed clean for some reason.

“Do you have a spider on your eyebrow?” I ask dumbly, still in shock that she’s standing here in front of me.

“Shit, God dammit,” she mutters, reaching up above her eye and feeling around blindly until she finds it, pulling the weird, black clump of whatever the f*ck it is off of her face and tossing it to the ground. “It was a fake eyelash. Don’t ask.”

She shivers again and I curse at myself for making her stand out here in the cold.

“Do you want to come in?” I ask, holding the door open wider.

She quickly steps toward me, ducking down under my arm that holds the door open. I close it softly behind her and turn around, sticking my hands in my pockets before I do something dumb like grab her and pull her to me. I need to know why she’s here first. Maybe she just came to drop off the ring in person instead of mailing it to me. I won’t let myself have hope until I know for sure.

“Why are you here, Noel?” I question softly as I watch her look around my living room.

“Your place is nice,” she says, not answering my question. “You really do live in bumf*ck nowhere. It took five passes to find your driveway.”

She laughs and I can see the nervousness written all over her as she bites her bottom lip and crosses her arms uncomfortably in front of her.

I keep my mouth closed and wait for her to continue.

“I’m sorry, Sam. I’m so sorry,” she whispers, taking a tentative step toward me.

“For what?” I ask, my hands clenching into fist in my pockets, dying to touch her, hold her, and kiss that bottom lip that she won’t stop biting.

“I should have told you the truth before now. I’m sorry you had to deal with that shit this morning. I’m sorry Logan showed up and ruined everything.”

I shrug, still refusing to let myself hope she’s going to say what I want more than anything for her to say.

“It’s fine. I mean, we knew it had to end eventually, right? So, are you guys back together now?”

It’s a dick move and I know it as soon as I see her face fall and her eyes well up with tears. My hands fly out of my pockets and I close the distance between us, pressing my palms against her cheeks and tilting her face up to mine.

“Why are you crying?” I ask.

She sniffles and takes a deep breath, blowing it out slowly. Her hands come up and rest on top of mine holding her face and she tilts her head to the side.

“I’m crying because I screwed everything up. I suck and you probably hate me and I don’t blame you, but I love you, Sam. I love you so much and I’m sorry for what happened this morning. I wish I could do it all over again, and go back a few days ago and tell you that I love but I didn’t because I suck and I’m sorry, but-”

I cut off her rambling with my mouth, crashing my lips against hers, sighing when I finally taste her again. I pull back before I get carried away and look down at her with a smile.

“Say it again,” I whisper.

“I suck,” she says with a hiccupping laugh as the tears fall from her eyes and drop onto my hands still holding onto her face. “And I love you. I am so in love with you, Sam Stocking.”

I let out the breath I’ve been holding since she first started talking, close my eyes, and lean my forehead against hers. “I love you too, Noel Holiday. I think I loved you from the first moment I saw you. I suck too. I should have told you sooner so we could have avoided that whole shit-show this morning. I never should have left. I’m so sorry for leaving.”