The Randy Romance Novelist(45)

“Stupid bullet? You don’t think it’s so stupid now when I use it on you.”

Cue the blush.

“Shut up and start jumping.”

Henry grumbled to himself incoherent words I couldn’t make out, while he stood and got in position. He looked over his shoulder at me and said, “I would prefer if you didn’t watch me jiggle myself. I would like to keep some of my dignity after all this is said and done.”

“I won’t look,” I lied, a smirk constantly wanting to sneak out.

He gave me questioning gleam. “Hand over eyes, missy.”

“Fine.” I covered my eyes with my hand, but kept a tiny sliver opened for a sneak peek of the dick-dazzle dance.

To my lucky stars, Henry started bouncing up and down, shaking his dick and talking to himself, telling the bling to fall out. The scene was all too familiar. Seeing it from an outsider’s perspective just about killed me. I couldn’t hold it back, I laughed out loud and fell to the floor, unable to control the movements of my body from pure, unadulterated joy.

Images of Henry’s tight butt bobbing up and down and his arms shaking his penis were engrained in my memory . . . forever.

“You weren’t supposed to look,” he yelled at me, penis still in hand, but missing a certain glint.

I continued to laugh as I answered him and pointed at his junk. “I think you got it out.”

Faster than I could blink, Henry lifted his penis to look inside and then let out a sigh of relief when he bent down to the floor and held up the little gem that was stuck in his pee hole.

“You little f*cker.”

I laughed some more. I was being that person, and I didn’t care, it was just too funny. “Want to save it, maybe put it in an envelope and store it under your pillow for the penis fairy? You never know, he might leave you a pack of condoms if you’ve been a good boy.”

The bling was tossed at my head right before Henry pulled his sweats on over his legs. “You’re hysterical.” Sarcasm was heavy. “Because you’re so funny, you can sit in here and laugh by yourself. I’m having my curry. And you can forget about getting any of my loving tonight. You’ve been cut off.”

“Hey!” I protested. “How is that fair? You would have laughed if that happened to me.”

“Cut off,” he repeated, walking down the hallway.

“Drama queen,” I shouted.

Disappointed, I looked down at Sir Licks-a-Lot, who was looking between the both of us, mouth still half open.

“You look stupid like that, close your damn mouth, you idiot!” I snapped at the cat and then stomped down the hallway. If I wasn’t getting any sex tonight, I was going to at least enjoy some Indian curry.

Vajazzle, not as successful as I thought it was going to be. Another reason never to visit Marta ever again.





Chapter Ten


Fucking Condoms



HENRY




“That sounds painful, dude.”

Derk and I sat at the bar of one of our favorite sport restaurants watching the Yankees game and enjoying a beer away from our women. It’d been a few days since the dick-dazzle incident, and I was still a little sour about the whole situation. Not because I was embarrassed or that Rosie wouldn’t stop laughing, but because I straight-up liked the f*cking vajazzle, but forced her to take it off, due to being terrified about corking myself up with another adhesive fake diamond.

“It wasn’t painful, scarier than anything. You didn’t have that same problem?”

“No,” Derk laughed. “Then again, I didn’t run my dick along it either. What were you thinking?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I have no clue. I was turned on, and I guess I wasn’t thinking. It looked f*cking sexy on her. Didn’t you like Delaney’s?”

“Surprisingly, I did.”

“Why do you say it like that?” I took a sip of my beer, waiting for his answer.

“I don’t know. I’ve never really been into the whole frilly vagina stuff. I don’t care if Delaney waxes or bedazzles her *. Let’s be honest, it’s a pocket of goodness I like shoving my dick in, as long as I don’t have to sift through the Amazon to get to it, then I’m good.”

“I think every guy has the same thought. It was just something new and different.”

Derk smirked over his beer bottle before taking a sip. Once he swallowed, he said, “You know that old saying, about how you become the person you’re in a relationship with?”

“Yeah . . .” I said skeptically. “Wait, you don’t think I’ve become Rosie, do you?”

“Dude, you got a gem stuck in your dick hole. Shit like that only happens to Rosie.”

He had a point.

“I’ve been feeling off my game lately,” I admitted, trying to come up with a reason as to why I corked up my log with a diamond.

“Ah, is this going to be one of those nights? I wasn’t ready for some serious guy talk. Do we need shots?”

“No,” I chuckled. “Unless you can’t handle a little man on man action.” Derk looked at me funny and then I heard what I said. “Umm, I mean man talk. Not man on man action. No sword fights tonight.”

“As opposed to other nights?” Derk asked.