The Randy Romance Novelist(42)
Delaney walked over to my corner cocoon and lowered my fist by palming it and pushing it down. She knelt in front of me and took my head in her hands so I had to look her in the eyes. “Hey, Muhammad Ali, lay off the threats. Vajazzling means the bedazzling of one’s vagina.”
“What?” I asked, completely confused.
“They put jewels right above our pubic bones; it’s a way to spice things up in the bedroom. I wanted to give it a try before the wedding to see if it was something I wanted for the honeymoon. They do fun designs and really make your vag sparkle. It’s painless.”
My eyes were erratic as I tried to look around the room. Marta stood behind Delaney, pulling out a clear container of gems. My nerves started to settle as I saw her start to polish a pair of small tweezers.
“So . . . there will be no ripping of my clit?”
“None,” Delaney laughed. “Just a little . . . vajazzle. Henry will love it.”
“How big is this vajazzle?” I asked, as Delaney lifted me off the ground.
“As big or small as you want it to be. Marta, do you have a portfolio to look at?”
“Yes.” She handed us a binder full of pictures of bedazzled vaginas, some more elaborate than others. But the general idea was they decorated your underwear line with jewels. There were some designs that covered your entire pubic area and some that were just subtle. It was intricate and kind of pretty.
“This doesn’t look that bad.”
“You want spider web?” Marta asked me.
“Excuse me?”
Marta waved at my vagina with her finger and said, “Do you want a spider web design for your penis fly trap?”
Delaney snorted while Marta laughed, loving her stupid, immature, and crass joke.
“You two are stupid,” I answered back. “I’m just going to do two simple hearts, thank you very much.”
“You go first then. Your friend wants more intricate design. Take off pants, now.”
I lifted an eyebrow at Marta. “Awfully anxious to get in my pants; something you’re not telling me, Marta?”
“Oh, yes, can’t wait to see what kind of weed patch you have growing now.”
Marta, that snarky bitch.
Huffing, I grabbed a robe, wrapped it around me, and then took off my bottoms and underpants. Marta tapped her foot as she waited for me impatiently.
While I hopped up on the table, I said, “I just want to tell you that recently I’ve felt heavy down there, so if it looks different, please note I am getting it checked.”
“What you mean heavy down there?” Marta spread my legs so her unibrow could get a better look. Right when she opened my legs, she made a disgusted look and closed them quickly. “Is that your vagina?”
“Of course it is.” I tried to cover it with my robe, shoving it between my legs. “It’s attached to me, isn’t it?”
“What’s wrong with it?” Delaney asked, trying to sneak a peek.
“You need to see doctor immediately. I never seen anything like it.”
Delaney scrunched her nose at me. “Oh, my God, Rosie. What’s wrong with your vagina?”
“It look like half-eaten strudel. Three-year-old strudel.”
“No, it doesn’t,” I answered, horrified.
“Like someone puked up strudel on your crotch,” Marta continued.
Delaney covered her mouth. “I’m dry-heaving.”
“My vagina is not a regurgitated German pastry. I’m offended.”
“My eyes are offended,” Marta replied with quick wit. How could she be so sassy but barely speak English? “I can’t perform vajazzle on that.”
“Well, I didn’t want your stupid vajazzle anyway.” I started to get off the table with the robe still stuck between my legs, when Marta’s head fell back and a loud, very unladylike laugh busted through the entire room. She slapped her knee repeatedly and wiped her eyes of the tears threatening to pool at the base of her feet.
“What’s happening?” I asked Delaney, who was still holding her hand over her mouth.
“Oh, too much fun. Get back on the table; your vagina is fine. Not like strudel at all. We will need a little trim, though. Sit down so I can work.”
“Wait, so I don’t have puke crotch?”
“No, your crotch is fine. We vajazzle now.”
I was correct, she was the devil, straight up, no questions asked; her feet burned the fiery heat of the underground, and she took Saten’s dick into her love cave every night. It was the only explanation I could come up with as to why this woman found such pleasure in torturing me.
I settled myself on the table and spread my legs for her. “You know, you should really pluck that unibrow; it’s very unflattering.”
There . . . jabbed her between the eyes, pun intended!
“The odor from your vagina is unflattering, but I not complain.”
Delaney burst out in laughter, and Marta’s shoulders shook with mirth.
Marta was a dumb bitch, and that was my opinion of her.
***
“Hey, love,” Henry said, when I walked through the apartment door. “Why do you have that look on your face?”
“What look?” I asked, setting the Indian food on the counter.
Henry joined me in the kitchen and observed me. “Like you’re hiding something. What was the appointment Delaney had?”