The Randy Romance Novelist(44)

There was something about the head of a penis rubbing against your clit that felt so beyond amazing; it felt magical, like a unicorn just kissed you in the most private of areas.

It felt like a tongue, only less dexterous, but still extraordinary, moving up and down, rubbing you in all the right ways. I could easily get off if Henry continued to tease me like that, if he only touched me with the tip. No doubt about it.

“Fuck, you’re so hot,” he mumbled, moving his cock away from my vagina and up my pubic bone where he circled the vajazzle with the head of his penis.

I made a mental note to report back to Delaney about the vajazzle success and how much Henry liked it. I only hoped it had the same effect for Delaney as it did for me, since this was her idea. I was grateful my visit to Marta turned out to be a more positive one this time, and not one that found me squirting pounds of baby powder in my panties until I was excreting it out my back end when dancing.

Some things you never forget.

“I really like this,” Henry said, his voice a little shy. “It’s really sexy, Rosie.”

“I’m glad.”

I adjusted my hips just as Henry was circling the heart he claimed as his, sending my vajazzle into his penis.

He groaned, so I did it again, thinking he liked it. “Do you like the texture? In my head I would think the sharpness of the diamond would hurt your sensitive skin, but I guess not.”

“No!” he shouted.

“Interesting, I guess the smoothness of a vagina isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Sometimes men need a rough tube. Noted.” I put my finger to my lip as I thought. “I wonder if they make reversed ribbed condoms, that could be interesting . . .”

“No, no, no.” Henry pulled away from me, ignoring my brewing idea of textured vagina holes, and cradled his junk.

The intimate mood I thought we were experiencing together was completely wiped away when I realized Henry was holding his penis in one hand while trying to examine it closely.

“What’s going on?” I sat up next to him and tried to find what he was looking at. “Are you okay?”

“Fuck. Only f*cking me,” he replied. He squeezed his eyebrows together with his hand and started to breathe heavily.

“What’s wrong?” As I asked, the light from the lamp reflected off a teeny tiny gem resting directly in the middle of Henry’s pee hole. “Oh, my God, did you dick-dazzle yourself?” A snort flew out of my nose before I could stop it.

“It’s not funny,” he replied, worried. “How the hell am I supposed to get it out of there, Rosie?”

“Pee it out?” I shrugged my shoulders. “Sometimes when I hear you pee, it sounds like you are trying to blast a hole through the wall to get to the neighbors. I bet you could blast that little gem right out of there.”

“What if it’s like a cork and shuts the pee off?”

“What’s the big deal? Then you just hold your pee; I used to have to do it all the time when I was at work and having to share a bathroom with a bunch of other women. Pee shyness is a real thing.”

Henry sighed in frustration. “When you’re a guy, holding your pee mid-stream is extremely painful, Rosie. For a man, it’s pretty much impossible, unless you want to be in a shit-ton of pain, and I would rather not be in a lot of pain with one of your fake diamonds in my urethra.”

I had to move my hand over my mouth to hold in my giggle. Why did I think this was so funny? I shouldn’t be laughing; this is a serious thing happening to my boyfriend’s penis. I should be vastly concerned and finding a solution.

But . . .

All I can think about is how shiny it makes his penis.

“If your penis was a necklace, I would wear it with pride.”

“Rosie,” Henry chastised my immaturity.

“If it was at Zale’s, I would make sure to get the protection warranty.”

“You’re not funny.”

I laughed to myself and threw the finger guns at Sir Licks-a-Lot, who was now looking in on us. “He thinks I’m funny.” The demon cat was sitting in the doorway, looking at us with his mouth half open. He did that sometimes, and I didn’t know why, but right about now, I took it as silent laughter from my jokes.

Henry couldn’t be any more annoyed with me as he continued to hold his cock up. “No one thinks you’re funny.”

“I would stroke that puppy if I were you. What happens when you go flaccid? Will the bling sink into your urinary tract? That can’t be good. Try pinching it out.”

“Excuse me? Pinch it out? Are you out of your damn mind? I’m not pinching my dick.”

I closed my index finger and thumb together, making a lobster claw motion at him. “Just pinch the head, Henry. Squeeze the top and pop it right out of there.” I threw my pinchers at his face and he knocked them away. “Oh! Or I can get some tweezers . . .”

“No f*cking tweezers. Sharp metal things are not coming near me, especially if you’re the one managing them.”

“That rules out Sir Licks-a-Lot’s claws then, huh?”

Henry shook his head. “I dick–dazzle myself and all of a sudden you become a comedian. Great.”

“I’m trying to be helpful. I thought the pinching thing was a good idea. Hmm . . .” I pressed my finger to my chin as I thought about another solution. “Maybe if you jump up and down while jiggling your dick, it will just fall out. You will have to point your penis at the ground though, let gravity do its thing. That’s what I did when I got that stupid bullet stuck in my vagina.”