The Magnolia Chronicles: Adventures in Modern Dating(13)

Magnolia: This being the online match-up part? Or the sex as bloodletting?

Dating App Guy 8: Goddamn, stop making me like you.

Magnolia: What?

Dating App Guy 8: Don't say sarcastic, insightful things. It makes me want to talk to you.

Magnolia: And that's bad?

Dating App Guy 8: Yes. Talking isn't part of my offer.

Magnolia: Maybe you need to talk. I'm pretty sure you could've found someone else for the hate fucking.

Dating App Guy 8: Why can't you let me self-medicate in peace?

Magnolia: (glancing around) dude, you messaged me.

Dating App Guy 8: You got me there.

Magnolia: What happened?

Dating App Guy 8: I don't want to talk about it.

Magnolia: Okay. You don't have to.

Magnolia: You don't have to tell me anything. But I don't want to have anonymous sex. If that's what you're trying to find, I don't think I'm the right person for you.

Magnolia: I don't think anonymous sex is right for you either but don't let me stop you from the self-medication.

Dating App Guy 8: You're a little rude.

Dating App Guy 8: I think I like it.

Magnolia: Okay.

Dating App Guy 8: I know this sounds like bullshit since you just asked me to explain myself and then told me to piss off when I wouldn't but I have a meeting in 10 minutes and I have to prep for it unless I want my career to go the way of my last relationship.

Magnolia: No worries. I need to get some work done too.

Dating App Guy 8: Would it be okay if I messaged you later tonight?

Magnolia: Sure.

Magnolia: Protip: keep talking about your dick. It's good to be proud of something.

Dating App Guy 8: What did I say about making me like you?

Magnolia: I believe it is not advised.

Dating App Guy 8: It's not.

Dating App Guy 8: Keep doing it.





Chapter Eight





My date had a food baby.

"I could be four, maybe five months pregnant."

I glanced at the nonexistent bump with a shrug, then turned my attention back to my phone. Mr. Nine Inches had been messaging me for two weeks now. This morning he mentioned his niece's upcoming Moana-themed birthday party. It was cute, and I did smile and sigh when he said she'd strong-armed him into dressing up as Maui.

But believe me, I knew what he was doing. Bring up the kid, talk about princess movies, prove you're a big cock with a heart of gold.

It was like he was writing the Playbook for Irresistible Men.



Magnolia: Sounds like a good time.

Mr. Nine: It will be. My sister goes all out on these things.

Mr. Nine: Before you congratulate me on being a fully acceptable uncle, can we talk about something less…PG?

Mr. Nine: I mean, we haven't talked about my cock in at least 4 hours.

Magnolia: Your cock requires a lot of attention, my dude. Super high-maintenance.

Mr. Nine: It would like to fill more than your attention.

Magnolia: That one was not your best work.

Mr. Nine: Don't worry. I'm a constant learner. Always improving.

Magnolia: Good for you!

Mr. Nine: I've never been so aware of sarcasm as I am right now.

Mr. Nine: We still haven't exchanged more than handles.

Magnolia: Are we talking about your dick again? AGAIN?

Mr. Nine: I meant screen names.

Mr. Nine: Perv.

Magnolia: Right. I'm the one preoccupied with your dick. Sure. Okay.

Mr. Nine: I'm just wondering whether that's an indication you're not into this.





He was right about the handles. We hadn't shared more than the goofy little identifiers associated with our online profiles. I was MizMaggie19 and he was RRRooster441. And I was into this. I wanted to continue talking to him despite the mismatch in our objectives.



Magnolia: Don't think that.

Mr. Nine: All right then, lady. You've had your time to think. What's the verdict?

Magnolia: No verdict yet.

Mr. Nine: Hung jury?

Magnolia: Oh my god STOP.

Magnolia: You're not helping your case.

Magnolia: You know, I'm not sure I believe your case. Anyone who talks this much about his dick is (cough, cough) compensating for something.





Was it wrong that I wanted to fact-check his cock claims? No. It couldn't be. He kept putting it out there, and there was nothing wrong with gathering more information before making decisions.

Maybe it wasn't entirely right but I wasn't ready to call it wrong.

Although I didn't actually want a dick pic. Those things were worse than opening the camera app and finding it in selfie mode. Even the most beautiful people in the world looked like triple-chinned potatoes at that angle.

The truth about dick pics was that they served the dick and not the recipient. The guy was proud of his goods—and why shouldn't he be? It did all sorts of magical things and that finicky, fragile length of skin blessed him with an awful lot of power in the world as we knew it. Of course, he'd want to show it off.

"Solidly second trimester with a large gyro bowl."

I slipped my phone into my back pocket and turned my attention to Andy Asani. She was an architect at one of the top boutique firms in the area and we often found ourselves working on the same properties. After I recovered from some self-inflicted weirdness with one of her partners once upon a time, we started meeting up for lunch every few weeks. It'd been three years now and we kept finding new reasons to eat together.