The Magnolia Chronicles: Adventures in Modern Dating(16)

She shook her head. "I want to see this guy's profile. Let's stalk him before you get him naked."

"I'm getting him naked now," I muttered. "Okay. That progressed rapidly."

"Don't play coy and virginal with me," she chided.

I pulled my phone from my back pocket and swiped it to life. My messenger app flashed with several unread messages from RRRooster441. "Looks like he's in a talkative mood today."

"Hm," she murmured, glancing down at the screen.



Mr. Nine: Are you…MizMaggie, are you holding out for proof?

Mr. Nine: My god. You are. You want to know if the juice is worth the squeeze.

Mr. Nine: OK. Not gonna hold that against you since I made it all about the D.

Mr. Nine: Fuck. I admire it.

Mr. Nine: Here you go.

Mr. Nine: (IMAGE ATTACHED)





We leaned closer and simultaneously gasped when a photo filled the screen. As far as dick pics went, it was beautifully done. Clothed, trapped behind trousers, but undeniably hard. Circumcised too. No harsh lighting or awkward grip on the base. No ugly feet or ball hair to take away from the heart of the matter.

"I do enjoy when I can identify a man's belief system before he gets his pants off," I said.

"Yeah, you need to get that," she said, pinching her fingers on the screen to zoom in. "That's a good one. It's halfway to his knee."

"Mhmm." Nodding, I toggled back to his message.



Mr. Nine: See? No exaggeration.

Magnolia: Thanks for keeping it classy.

Mr. Nine: That's how I roll, lady.

Magnolia: I like how you roll.

Mr. Nine: Yeah?

Magnolia: Yeah…maybe we could get coffee or something.

Mr. Nine: Come on. Come on!

Magnolia: What? Isn't that what you want?

Mr. Nine: Coffee? No, lady. I don't want coffee.

Magnolia: Oh. Okay.

Magnolia: Listen, I'm not down for a hookup. Sorry, no. I want to have a clothed conversation out in public, preferably with food and drink as a means of distraction and self-defense.

Mr. Nine: Oh my god. You thought I was asking to skip the coffee and go straight to sex.

Mr. Nine: Facepalm.

Mr. Nine: No. I meant I'm good for more than a beverage. Let me buy you a meal. Food on a real plate and a beverage or two. Real knives to stab me with, should it come to that.

Mr. Nine: It won't come to that, I swear.

Mr. Nine: I'm good for a lot more than a dinner and drinks but let's start with the real plates.





"Do it," Andy ordered. "Say yes and tell him you're free on Thursday."

"Why Thursday?"

"Thursday because it gives you two days to prepare and him two days of anticipation, and if it goes well, you can make weekend plans. Friday is too much pressure, Wednesday is tomorrow and that's just too quick, and any other option is too distant. You'll lose momentum if you wait until next week."

"Goddamn," I muttered. "You are gifted."

She shook her head. "Exceedingly strategic." She glanced at my phone. "Thursday. Book it."



Magnolia: How does Thursday sound?

Mr. Nine: Like I'll be seeing you.

Magnolia: Yeah. You will.

Magnolia: For coffee.

Magnolia: Or something like that.

Mr. Nine: Oh, really?

Mr. Nine: You're back on that bullshit?

Magnolia: That's noble of you.

Mr. Nine: I'm walking into a meeting but you can believe we're not finished with this topic.





"Oh, look," Andy cooed. "He gets fired up when you're bratty."

"I'm not bratty," I murmured. "I simply believe coffee is the safer route than a full dinner date setup."

She dropped her chin onto her fist, asking, "Because you don't like having sex on a full stomach? I mean, I get it, but just order a salad."

"Right," I said, nodding. "Because food babies and fuck buddies don't mix."





Chapter Nine





Mr. Nine: What do you like?

Magnolia: …in terms of what? Are we talking about autumn strolls through pumpkin patches or some light choking during sex?

Mr. Nine: Yes.

Magnolia: That's not an answer.

Mr. Nine: I was asking about food because I still object to this coffee shop plan of yours.

Mr. Nine: But I'll entertain any discussion of your interests.

Magnolia: I rather enjoy pumpkin patches.

Mr. Nine: And light choking?

Magnolia: Let's focus on the pumpkin patches.

Mr. Nine: Hayrides, fresh apple cider, hot cinnamon and sugar donuts?

Magnolia: Add in the World Series and some football and you have my love language right there.

Mr. Nine: Noted.





*



Mr. Nine: Coffee or tea?

Magnolia: Coffee. You?

Mr. Nine: Same.

Mr. Nine: Sandwich or salad?

Magnolia: Sandwich. Always. I'm willing to bet you're also a sandwicher.

Mr. Nine: Excuse me while I eliminate Sweet Green and Cava from my list of lunch ideas.