The Magnolia Chronicles: Adventures in Modern Dating(9)
Dating App Guy 6: Yo bitch.
Dating App Guy 6: You're fine as fuck.
Magnolia: Bitch? Really?
Dating App Guy 6: Shut up whore you should be thanking me for even messaging your ugly ass.
{ blocked }
*
Dating App Guy 7: Hi there. How's your day going?
Magnolia: Not too bad. What about you?
Dating App Guy 7: Happy the snow is melting haha.
Magnolia: Yeah, I was starting to forget what this city looked like under all the white stuff.
Dating App Guy 7: I thought we weren't supposed to see blizzards after St. Patrick's Day, you know? This freak storm stuff needs to stop #climatechangeisreal Magnolia: True story.
Dating App Guy 7: Isn't it crazy how we're excited for snow every year but then after we have some we're like, not this again?
Dating App Guy 7: And we're all climbing the walls for summer but we're going to be hollering about the heat and humidity as soon as it's here.
Magnolia: Another true story.
Dating App Guy 7: So other than engaging in witty observations of weather's cyclical nature, what do you do with yourself?
Magnolia: I'm a landscape architect.
Dating App Guy 7: Then you really hate the snow haha.
Magnolia: After a while of it, yeah.
Magnolia: What do you do?
Dating App Guy 7: Dentist. Don't forget to floss haha.
Magnolia: Every night!
Dating App Guy 7: Can I ask you something? Or are you busy?
Magnolia: Just watching the Bruins slaughter Phoenix.
Magnolia: Go for it.
Dating App Guy 7: What's your muff like? Is it full and bushy?
Dating App Guy 7: If not…would you grow it out?
Dating App Guy 7: I like a big full bush. The kind that spills out the side of your underwear.
{ blocked }
Chapter Six
My date was sitting at my mother's dining room table.
"This is Troy," my mother said as I stood frozen in the doorway. She popped up from her seat and joined me, wrapping her arm around my waist and gesturing toward him. "I thought this would be a great way for all of us to get to know him. Make it a little easier on you, you know?"
"Easier," I said, barking out a laugh. "This is easier?"
In all of my wildest dreams, I'd never imagined my mother would leap this far into my romantic life. This was several steps beyond swiping and proof that no good deed went unpunished. Not a one.
Agreeing to this experiment was a gesture toward assuaging my mother's concern for me. It wasn't something I would've adopted on my own and now I had to do it as performance art.
And do it while my brothers watched.
"Wait," my brother Ash said, holding up his hand, "I thought it was Trent. Since when are you Troy?"
"I thought it was Trevor," my brother Linden said, shaking his head as he stared into his beer. "Fuck if I know what's going on here."
"And I thought it was Sunday dinner," I said. "Not speed dating."
"It's not speed dating," my mother argued. "There's only one of him."
"Trey," Ash yelled, pointing at the deer in headlights. That deer had the privilege of being my date for this gathering. What a treat for him.
"Travis," Linden replied, barely looking up from his beverage.
"Tristan," Ash continued, still pointing at the dude.
"Triton," Linden said.
"Truman," Ash replied.
"The two of you," my mother called, waving her hand at my brothers. "We have a guest. Stop being a-holes."
There was one thing I knew to be absolutely true about these men I'd shared a womb with: when presented with an opportunity to be assholes, they took it.
"Trace," Linden continued.
"Targaryen," Ash roared, as if throwing down some Game of Thrones made this shitshow more amusing.
"Trapper," Linden said.
"Tracker," Ash replied.
"Treat," Linden said.
"Tremain," Ash added.
"Tremont," Linden said.
My father walked into the room, took one look at the verbal food fight underway and turned right back around. Always predictable, my father. My parents were opposite sides of the same coin. She was outgoing and expressive. He could go days without speaking to anyone.
"Tripp," Ash said.
"Tron," Linden replied.
"Trotsky," Ash said.
"Now you're just being flaming a-holes," my mother said. She glanced to me with a sympathetic frown. "They were fine before you got here. They were talking about hockey."
"Hockey. The great uniter," I mumbled.
"Trader," Linden said.
That stopped my oldest brother. "What? Like, as in Joe?"
My date held up both hands as if attempting to keep the raptors at bay. "It is Troy," he said, sliding careful glances at my brothers before smiling at me. "Hi."
That single word packed many others in with it. There was "Holy shit, are they done yet?" and "What the actual fuck is happening?" and "Can this get worse? Please tell me it can't get worse."