Shut Out (Bayard Hockey #1)(64)

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When I still haven’t heard from Jacob by Tuesday night, I know I have to call him. I get his voicemail and leave a message. “Hey. It’s me. I, uh, haven’t heard from you all week, and I just wanted to let you know I’m going home tomorrow night. For Thanksgiving. Not sure what your plans are…” I have this crazy impulse to invite him to come home with me, but that’s…crazy. He doesn’t have family here though, and campus will be largely deserted over the long weekend, and I hate the thought of him feeling alone. But I don’t say this because I’m filled with uncertainty about what’s going on with us.

Of course I’ve wondered if this is because he found out I slept with Brendan. Or because Brendan raped me, if we’re going to be perfectly honest about what happened. Has this changed how Jacob sees me? How he feels about me?

That makes me want to throw up.

I went for the counseling. I know what happened doesn’t change who I am. I know it wasn’t my fault. I know I’m still a good person.

But I’d be lying if I said I’m sure Jacob knows this.

I finish my voicemail message. “Anyway, I won’t be around. Give me a call if you want.”

I end the call and distract myself by starting to pack a few things in a suitcase. I discover I desperately need to do laundry, so I gather up some things and trudge downstairs to the small laundry room off the kitchen.

Doing laundry reminds me of Jacob’s laundry lessons and his pride in knowing to separate whites from darks, and I smile.

My phone chimes in my bra as I’m dumping clothes into the washing machine. I fish it out and see it’s Jacob. “Hi!”

“Hey, Sky. How’s it going?”

Once again, I have to pause before I can answer. The truth is, things are shitty. Ella’s avoiding me, Natalie and Brooklyn are acting weird, which makes me think Ella has talked to them and poisoned them against me, and he hasn’t called for days. Finally I say, “Kind of crappy, actually.”

“Oh.”

This doesn’t sound good. Like, maybe he wanted to hear that everything was all sunshine and lollipops and f*cking rainbow-colored unicorns or something. Well, it’s not.

“Sorry to hear that,” he says.

I don’t even know what to say to that. “Have you been busy this week?”

“I’m always busy.” He sighs.

This is the truth. I know how intense his schedule is. “What are you doing for the long weekend?” I gather up my courage. “If you’re not doing anything, you could come home with me.”

Dense silence fills my ear. Finally he says, “Hey, no need for that. I’m good here. It’s not Thanksgiving for us Canucks, so I’m going to hang out with Barks and Butch.” The other Canadians on the team—Adam Barker and Pascal Bouchard.

“Ah.”

“But thanks for the invitation. You have fun visiting your family.”

Have fun? Uh, not likely. “Thanks, I will.”

I slide my phone back into my bra. My stomach cramps up and I stare into space.

No need for that.

Right. Because he wanted to show his parents he was happy and settling in fine here with a girlfriend, but there’s no need to impress my parents. And that’s what this is all about—a fake girlfriend to keep the puck bunnies away and keep his parents from worrying about him far from home at a new school.

He just very effectively reminded me of that. God, I was so stupid to issue that invitation, as if we were really dating or something. What an idiot.

I need to add detergent to the machine. I do that mindlessly, then wander out to the living room, sink down onto the couch, and cover my face with my hands.

I can’t stop the tears that flow.

I’ve started to have real feelings for Jacob. And I was stupid enough to think he might feel the same. I’m more than an idiot. I’m delusional.

My throat burns and my chest aches.

The front door opens and I quickly swipe away tears as Ella and Nat walk in.

“Hi, Skylar.” Natalie gives me an offhand greeting. Ella deliberately turns away and walks into the kitchen. Even though I’m sitting there crying. She doesn’t care.

Nat pauses awkwardly, glances at Ella, then walks upstairs.

I sit there alone, clutching soggy, crumpled Kleenex.

I haven’t felt this horrible since right after Brendan died, when I was so sunk into helpless despair. There’s no worse feeling in the world than being alone like this. Feeling like I’ve lost every friend, that they’re excluding me and avoiding me, and that includes Jacob.

So yeah, going home to see my parents seems like a great idea right now.





Chapter 24


Skylar


It starts snowing as I reach Syracuse. My hands are tight on the steering wheel because it’s dark and now the roads are getting slippery. I was anxious even before I left Ridgedale, knowing I have to have a difficult conversation with my parents this weekend. I pull into our driveway with relief, flexing my fingers. Whew. Made it.

I lug my suitcase into the house, dropping it on the hardwood floor inside the front door. As I shut the door, Mom appears from the kitchen, wiping her hands on a dish towel.

“Skylar! You’re here! Hi, honey!”

We hug, and my throat thickens. I wish…I wish I could turn to my parents for comfort instead of instantly feeling small and inferior. Because I really need some comfort.