Shut Out (Bayard Hockey #1)(65)

“Dad’s in the family room watching TV. Come on in and say hi.”

I follow her down the hall, through the kitchen, which opens to a big family room.

Dad looks up and sees me and smiles. He stands and holds his arms out, and I give him a hug too. “So, college girl, how are things?”

“Not bad.”

Actually, things couldn’t be much worse. Okay, I could be failing my courses; yes, that would be worse. Thankfully I don’t have to tell them that again. But I am going to have to tell them I want to change my major.

It’s late, but Mom heats up some leftovers for me to eat, even though I tell her I’m not hungry. We get caught up with news we haven’t shared in phone calls or emails, but I’m painfully aware there’s so much I’m not telling them. Do I mention Jacob? He’s been a big part of my life the last couple months. But what do I say? There’s this guy I’m pretending is my boyfriend and we’re having hot sex. Yeah, right.

I also can’t tell them about my fight with Ella, because they don’t know what happened with Brendan and me.

So basically I feel awkward and stiff.

Elisha’s arriving from Boston in the morning, and I really am tired, so I’m not making an excuse when I tell them I want to go to bed early. In my bedroom, I look around at the furnishings that are so familiar to me. Most of my personal things are in Ridgedale now, but I pick up the stuffed dog sitting on the dresser, the dog I got when I was a kid because it looks exactly like the real dog we had back then, who has now gone to doggy heaven. “Smokey.” I give the dog a cuddle. Maybe Smokey should come back to college with me. I need all the hugs I can get.

I spend the weekend in Elisha’s shadow. She’s beautiful and confident and tells us about the praise one of her profs heaped on her for some work she did, the research she’s doing, and the new guy she’s seeing, which thrills my parents, although they are a little concerned that she’ll be distracted from her studies. I don’t know why; Elisha barely had to study in high school or for her undergrad degree. She’s just that smart.

The C I got on my physics midterm is nothing to brag about and I’m sure not going to tell them what a mess my life is, when Elisha’s is so perfect.

Sitting in my room Saturday night, propped up against pillows in bed, with my laptop on my knees, I remember what Jacob said…that I should just be myself.

Would things be different if I was taking courses I love? If I was passionate about what I was doing and proud of it? If I wasn’t trying to be like Elisha?

I’ve spent my whole life trying to be like her. But I should just be myself.

I have to tell my parents that I’m going to be a teacher instead of a doctor.

Which probably means that along with everyone else in my life, they’re going to be mad at me.

I hate feeling like this. I need to take control of my life and fix things.

I like to plan, so I open a Word document and start typing. I write out all my feelings and questions. I write out a script for how I’m going to tell my parents. I’ve been procrastinating all weekend and tomorrow’s my last day here.

I make a list of their possible reactions, brainstorming everything I can think of. Then I try to come up with a plan to deal with each of those scenarios. Student loans are a viable option. Starting my career in debt isn’t ideal, but hey, tons of people do it.

Then I think about Jacob and Ella.

I type out my plan for dealing with Jacob. I won’t call him. I’ll wait to hear from him. He’s the one who needs a fake girlfriend, so he can contact me when he needs me. And when he does, I’ll be friendly. I imagine how I’ll feel the next time I see him, if he even wants to see me. We’ll go to a party or something together. I’ll do what I have to do—make sure girls there know I’m his girlfriend. But I’ll also make a point of mingling more.

I need more friends.

Ella and Brendan and I stuck pretty close together in our freshman year. Then after Brendan died, I didn’t feel much like socializing. So I haven’t made new friends at Bayard. Natalie and Brooklyn seemed to be potential friends until this shit hit the fan with Ella.

I make a list of people I know who I could be friends with. There’s Grace and Leah at SAPAP. I could ask them to go out for coffee or to a movie one night. There’s Taisha at the diner. She probably has her own group of friends, but maybe we could go out after we get off work sometime. There’s Justin in my psych class. He was being friendly to me that night at the party when Jacob got all jealous.

Jacob had been jealous.

My fingers go very still on the keyboard. I really thought he was starting to feel more for me. He admitted he was jealous. Was he just being a dick because some other guy was interested? Or does he really care?

I set my laptop aside and roll over onto my side, knees pulled up. Probably it’s stupid to get my hopes up about that.

I have a plan. And I’m going to stick to it.

Sunday morning I go to church with the fam and then we go out for lunch. This is a good time to break the news to them because if it doesn’t go well, I’m leaving right after lunch, anyway.

“So. I need to talk to you about something,” I announce after we’ve ordered.

“What is it, honey?” Mom lifts her eyebrows.

“School.” I square my shoulders and lift my chin. “I’m not going to try to get into med school.”