Say You Love Me(19)
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I'm going to give you some advice. Don't play games with guys. Even if you don't think you're playing a game, think about what you're doing very carefully — very, very carefully. Guys aren't like girls. They don't analyze. They certainly don't overanalyze and they take what we say and think that's exactly what we mean. Even if the dumbest pig in Siberia knew that we were being ironic or sarcastic, a man would take us at our word. Like Cody, he took me at my word when I told him I thought we should be best friends. I knew and Mila knew and anyone with half a brain knew that I meant best friends that were also in love, but no — not Cody. He took my words literally. He really thought that I wanted to be best friends and everything else that went along with that. And now, well now, here I am, surrounded by the man of my dreams day and night and hating my life. All because I decided to tell a porky pie to get closer to him. That's all I wanted. Just to spend time with him. I just wanted him to get to know me better. I wanted him to fall in love with me. I wanted him to see how perfect I was for him.
But no, that's not what happened. Sure, he thinks I'm 'awesome' and we're closer now than we've ever been, but not in the way that I want. Not in the way that makes my heart thud. My heart does thud still. But generally in a sad way now. And I cry myself to sleep many nights because I realize that I'm further away from him than I've ever been. Now that we're better friends, I realize that, one, I'm not his type, two, we don't have much in common and, three, he hasn't been, as I'd secretly hoped, been harboring a secret crush on me for years. At least I don’t think he has.
I could hear Cody banging around in the kitchen as I sat and waited for him to finish what he was doing. We had spent the afternoon doing a crossword puzzle together and now I was on his laptop looking up movie times. And of course, I just happened to click around and boom, up came his OkCupid account. It wasn’t that I didn’t know he was online dating. Of course, I knew. We’d talked about dating casually. And how we’d joined online dating sites and we’d laughed about all the odd people we’d seen online. That hadn’t made me feel bad because that wasn’t real and there had been no faces to put to mind. And no actual dates were talked about. Yes, I’d helped him write a profile, but that had made me feel closer to him because we had laughed and joked around about what he was looking for and his interests. But now that I had his profile up on the screen and I could see that he was actively on the site and messaging and talking to people, it was another story. Heat rose through my face as my stomach grumbled in emptiness. I could feel my head starting to spin as I swallowed, my heart feeling empty, the pain wallowing through me almost too much to bear as I read some of the messages on the screen. I knew I was invading his privacy and I knew that I deserved the pain I was experiencing for being so nosey, but I just couldn’t stop myself.
"You nearly ready, Sally?" Cody's voice was warm as he stood in the doorway looking at me. "I told TJ and Mila we'd be there at seven and I still have to pick some other friends up."
"Yeah, gimme a minute." I gave him a weak smile and looked back at the computer screen. Cody had left open his OkCupid dating account on the screen and I could see all the women he'd been exchanging messages with. I scrolled through the page to see what they looked like, unable to stop myself, even though I knew I shouldn't. I then clicked to see the girls he'd liked. My stomach dropped as I stared at all their beautiful faces. They all looked the same: long, dark, straight hair, big blue eyes, fine beautiful features, all were skinny and all had that “I'm cool, look at me” look on their faces. I could feel embarrassment sweeping through me as it hit me, maybe for the first time, that I was just not Cody's type. Not at all. Nothing about me fit what he was looking for in a woman. I wasn't sure how I'd missed that fact. I knew I shouldn’t read the messages, but I couldn’t stop myself.
“What movies are showing?”
“What?” I blinked up at him.
“Aren’t you looking up movie times?” He walked towards me and my heart stopped as I clicked on a new tab and typed in “movie times” quickly into Google.
“Yeah, yeah, sorry, I put in the wrong zip code.” I said lamely. “Let me check the right one now.”
“Okay.” He nodded. “Let me go and call TJ and tell them we’re running late.”
“Sure, and sorry about the delay. My head has been all over the place lately.”
“Hey, no worries, Sally.” He gave me a huge smile and my heart melted, even though I was in a really low place. “We’ll get there.”
“Yeah, we will.”
“And you know I’m here to talk if you ever need someone, right?”
“Yeah, I know.” I nodded. “Thanks.” I watched as he headed out of the room and I tried not to cry. This whole situation was a lot harder than I’d thought it was going to be. I was getting to know Cody on a deeper level and I was falling for him harder and harder. Only, he wasn’t falling for me. Yes, he was growing closer to me. Yes, I knew he saw me in a different light now, but I also knew that wasn’t a romantic light. I just wanted him to pull me closer to him. I wanted him to kiss me, to touch me, to want me; yet, he seemed to have no interest in growing closer to me in that way and that killed me. And I knew that if it didn’t kill me, it would just leave me empty and alone. I wanted to slap myself. I needed to get some self-respect. I needed to grow some self-esteem. I needed to love myself enough to accept that he just didn’t want me that way and I needed to move on with my life. Or at least stop whining to myself. I was getting fed up of my own tears and heartache. I just needed to get over it already.