Rule(84)

I pulled my phone at and stared at the screen.  I hated that I was struggling with what I wanted to say to Shaw, that I was worrying over what words to use.  I was so used to just saying and doing whatever I wanted that this controlled and locked down version of myself was getting old before it even started.  I wrote out a quick message:

-       Rome just got his medical release.  He’s going back to the desert on Monday.

I figured since she was working that she wouldn’t respond right away plus it wasn’t like we had been engaging in any kind of deep philosophical conversations as of late.

-       Oh no!  Are you okay?

I’d already lost one brother so the idea that my remaining one had a job that constantly placed him in jeopardy most definitely meant I was not okay, but there wasn’t anything I could do about it.  Rome’s sense of duty was part of what made him who he was and I respected it and respected him far too much to let my feelings cloud any of the fleeting time we spent together.

-       I’ve been better but he seems okay with it so what else is there to do?
-       Do you need me to come over after work?
-       I thought you had homework.
-       I do but if you need me it can wait.

I did need her.  I wanted to hold her and love all up on her but not because she was feeling sorry for me but because she wanted to be with me too.  I glared at the phone and at how complicated things seemed to have turned overnight.

-       Naw I’m straight, but he wants to do a family dinner with EVERYBODY before he leaves.  He’s going to have dad set it up.
-       How’s that going to work with things between you and Margot?
-       Not just me, you’re coming too.
-       I’m not worried about me.
-       Rome seems to think that since he’s shipping back out she’ll behave if he asks her to but I have my doubts.  He thinks if we do it some place public she’ll behave.
-       It’s so sad you guys even have to worry about that in the first place.
-       Not the only one with family problems Casper.
-       No you’re not.
-       Have a good night.

There was a long pause and I didn’t think she was going to say anything back but after about five minutes my phone beeped with a new message.

-       I miss you Rule.
I didn’t know what to say to that because I wasn’t the one pulling away for once and I was right here so I just clicked the screen back off and went back to my drawing.
The next night I was the one blowing off spending time with Shaw because I decided it was a great idea to take Rome out and at least attempt to get him laid before he went back overseas only I ended up face down in a fifth of Crown and seeing double so I’m pretty sure I failed and ended up being the worse wingman ever.  Rome and Nash dropped me on the bed after practically carrying me home and it wasn’t until well after eleven the next morning when I was attempting to shower and fake being human enough to show for work that I noticed I had three missed calls and five missed messages from Shaw.  They were all variations on the same thing, where are you, what are you doing, why aren’t you answering, should I come by, are you going to come by?  They all made me cringe and swear.  I felt guilty as hell because had things not been so strained between us I would have just called her before I left or asked her to come with, but last night I had enjoyed just being my normal self and not putting any effort into being anybody’s perfect anything.
I was about to try and call her to explain when Rome came out of the hallway bathroom running a towel over his head.  “You alive?”
“Barely.  I need to call Shaw.  I was too messed up last night to let her know what was going on.”
He gave me a sharp look.  “I already called her.  She texted me last night wondering what you were up to so I told her you were loaded and out of control.  She sounds sad, worse than that she sounds sad because of you.”
I growled a little and rested my elbows on the kitchen counter.  “I know but I don’t know what I did wrong.  I almost beat her ex to death in a parking lot and realized if I was going to act like a caveman I was going to lose her and not be around to protect her so I’ve been minding all my p’s and q’s and let me tell ya I had no idea how many of those little f*ckers there were and ever since I started she’s been acting like I cheated on her or did some other horrible thing.”
“Rule, she liked you just fine when your p’s and q’s were all over the map.  Stop trying to be something you aren’t and just let her love you.  It’s not hard, besides dad called and dinner is tonight at Ruth Chris downtown at six.  I already told Shaw so unless you want to grovel and apologize then you don’t need to call her.”
“They’re coming here?”
“Dad thought it would be good for mom.  He thought maybe getting her out of Brookside would break some of that hold the past has on her.”
“I guess we’ll see.”
“Rule,” I turned to look at him and was struck by the sincerity in his eyes.  “Thank you for doing this for me.  I know it isn’t easy for you.”