Rule(81)

I pressed a kiss to the stiff leather of the glove and placed it on his name.  “Every day Rem, every single day something reminds me of you, makes me think of things I want to tell you, makes want to cry because of what happened to you.  Every day I miss you and right now when I need you more than I ever I try to make decisions, try to go in a direction that I know would make you proud, would make you smile for me but it’s hard.”

I stayed for a few more minutes until the tears were nothing more than icy trials on my cheeks then climbed to my feet.  I rested a hand on the top of the gravestone and said a final goodbye while trying to get my composure back in order.  When I got into the car Ayden had hijacked the radio and Lady Antebellum was twanging it up but she turned it all the way down as I got behind the steering wheel and peeled off my gloves.

“Everything okay?”

I nodded and held my frozen hands over the heater, wishing I had one big enough to dry the legs of my jeans.  “Yeah it’s just sad.  I miss him a lot.  We used to talk every single day sometimes for hours and hours.  I feel lost without him so much of the time and I think he’s the only one that would make sense of how hard it is to get a handle on Rule.  They were very different but still essentially the same at the core, good men with a strong sense of self and loyalty.”

“It’s obvious you cared deeply for him so why didn’t the two of you ever hook up?  It seems like it would have been an obvious match.”

I smiled ruefully and headed back toward the city.  “Because we didn’t feel that way about each other.  He knew I was in love with Rule at times he encouraged it, at times he tried everything to talk me out of it but he knew it and for the most part respected it and he was in love someone else, someone very unlike me.  Remy was the life of the party, he had a million friends and everyone wanted to be around him all the time but he was really private when it came to his love life.  Rome and Rule burned through girls at a rate that is honestly alarming but Remy played it close to the chest and I think he let people believe we had a thing going for so long because it kept them from asking questions he didn’t want to answer.  He didn’t want the comparison to his brother’s and his parents loved me so it was just easier for him to play along than deal with the hassle.”

“That doesn’t seem like it was very fair to you.  If he knew you were in love with Rule the whole time why would he purposely let him believe you and he were a couple?”

Rule asked me that same question all the time even though he wasn’t armed with the knowledge that I had been in love with him for so long and I hated that I couldn’t answer it for him.  Remy’s secrets weren’t mine to tell even if it strained things between us.

“He had his reasons and at the time I understood them, now I guess I didn’t see how damaging they could be but at the end of the day he saved me from a high school life that would have been miserable and a family that treats me like furniture so I don’t mind suffering for him in the slightest.  You would have liked him, everyone did.  As moody and difficult as Rule can be, Rem was just the opposite.  He was always affable, smiling and happy he just wanted to have a good time and make sure everyone else did too.  When he graduated he was supposed to go to California on a football scholarship, he was good, better than good but he turned it down because if he had to play in order to stay in school than that took the fun out of the game for him.  Rule moved to Denver with Nash and Remy left with them.  The guys went to work in the shop as soon as they had their diplomas, Remy screwed around trying figure out what he wanted to do.  Eventually he got hooked up with a high-end event planning company throwing swanky parties and doing black tie events, it was his niche and he never talked about college again.  He made good money, loved living in the city, had a great relationship with his brother’s and his family, was involved in a relationship with someone that made him smile and act like a giddy kids, plus I had just moved here for freshman year when he died.  It sucked and it totally wasn’t fair, everything was right where he wanted it and he was taken away from it all because of a stupid accident.”

“That’s just tragic.”  I could hear the emotion in her voice.

“It is.”  I agreed because that was all I could do.  By the time we got to the salon we were both beyond ready for a little pick me up and I decided that a hot stone massage was definitely in order.

We got pampered and all loosened up.  Maybe too loose because when it came time to touch up my hair I had him take the chunk in my bangs and make it almost black instead of the subtle light brown it had been.  I had him do the same to the underside fall of my long hair so that I had almost a checkerboard effect going on.  It was edgy and dramatic, there was no way to miss it and the black made the green of my eyes iridescent.  I really liked and so did everyone else apparently because as soon as we got out of the salon I had a bunch of girls around the same age as us stop and ask where I had it done.

Ayden and I went and got some lunch and decided to grab a cocktail at a bar close to the apartment.  I glanced at my phone and notice Rule had texted and asked how I was doing.  I frowned and shot back that everything was fine.  I waited for him to demand to know where I had been all day, to ask what I was up to but instead he just answered back that was good and wanted to know what time to come over tonight.  My stomach knotted and I felt something awful rise up in the back of my throat.  He was only being nice, only being thoughtful but I hated it and I wanted it to stop so I texted: