Ruin(44)

Couldn’t a dying man at least have one last wish? Even prisoners on Death Row were given a last meal — she was mine.
“Come on.” I swam backward and let the water wash over my chest. It was comfortably heated at ninety degrees, almost like a giant hot tub.
With a curse, Kiersten walked toward me, the water rising to her breasts. I knew I was acting like a complete guy, but I stared, and then was suddenly so jealous of the water touching her in spots I never could, that I swore and looked away.
“Wes?” Kiersten reached out and grabbed my arm. “I’m freaked, and like I said, I want to get this done as fast as possible.”
“Ah, stop saying that, you’ll hurt my ego.”
“Fine.” Her teeth chattered some more. “I’m excited—” She looked like she was walking to her death. “—to get started, so can we, just… swim?”
“Sure.” I grinned. “First lesson…”
“What?”
“Float.”
“I can’t.”
“Everyone floats.”
“I don’t know how.”
I sighed and looked into her eyes. “Do you trust me?”
She nodded slowly.
“Okay, then lean back. Feel my hand? I won’t let you drown, and it’s not deep enough for that to happen in the first place, lean back and relax, think about something happy.”
“I’m too terrified to think.” Her body was stiff as a board as she leaned against my hand and began to float.
“Think about kissing.” My hands moved from her back to her butt as I held her body in a plank position. “Think about my hands running slowly over your body until all you can do is think about what I’m going to do next.”
“What are you going to do next?” Her voice was quieter, her breathing labored as she lay in my arms, trusting me.
“I’m going to devour you with my eyes. I’m going to look at every inch of skin, memorize it, store it in the little box in my head labeled the most beautiful girl in the world. I’m going to hold you until you’re ready for me to let go, and then, when you float on your own, I’m going to keep staring, keep wanting, keep desiring, until I have to go jump into the Sound.”
Her body went limp against my arms.
I let go.
She didn’t move, just continued to float. “Just warn me when you let go.”
“Okay.” I laughed. “I’m going to let go, alright?”
She tensed and already began to sink as her body folded in half. I grabbed her before she did sink and pulled her into my arms. “Your first lesson is in fear.”
“Huh?” Her hands were pressed against my chest.
“You were floating on your own for around fifteen seconds before I told you I was going to let go. The minute I said I was going to let go, you braced yourself for sinking — your mind failed, therefore your body failed.”
Kiersten made a face and looked away. “So basically I sabotaged myself.”
“Basically.” I grinned, loving how she was holding her bottom lip hostage between her teeth. “You can’t go into things with the mindset of already failing. Being fearful isn’t necessarily a bad thing.”
“Right.” She clenched her eyes shut and crossed her arms. “I get what you’re saying, I just don’t know how to control it. Every time I see the water or a pool I start to shake. I freak, thinking the same thing’s going to happen to me that happened to my parents. Yes, I know it’s illogical, but the fear is still there.”
“Fear…” I uncrossed her arms and linked my fingers with hers. “Is what makes us feel alive. Fear causes our blood vessels to constrict, and then the amygdala, a tiny almond shaped part of our brain, sends signals to our nervous system. The signal says run or fight.”
“I say run.” Kiersten laughed humorlessly.
“Right.” I tugged her closer to my body. “That’s how we keep ourselves from getting eaten by wild animals We need a fight or flight system in our body. I mean, can you imagine living in a world without fear?”
“We’d all die.”
“Exactly.” I chuckled. “People would be jumping off buildings thinking they could fly, so like I said fear isn’t a bad thing.”
“Wait.” She tried to push against my chest as I pulled her into the deep end with me. “What are you doing? I can’t swim, remember?”
“I know,” I whispered. “But I can.”
“But—”
I ignored her. “Fear can be your ally. You can do something afraid.”
“Do something afraid?”
“Yes.” I swam until my legs burned, holding her up in my arms. “For example, I may be afraid of kissing you or afraid of losing you. I may be afraid that when I close my eyes you won’t be here in my arms anymore, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to hold on to you for dear life. I’m living proof that living afraid — is the way to go. You push forward, you fight the demons, you keep moving. Fear tries to paralyze you, to keep you from moving. It stops success, it stops progress — when you do things afraid, you’re still accomplishing your goals, only you’re doing it knowing that you are truly conquering the Everest in your life. So your parents died.” I flinched. I hadn’t meant to sound so blunt. But I pushed on. “So you could die too.”
Her sharp intake of breath nearly made me release her as she fought against me.
“You could die crossing the street.”
Kiersten still fought me.