Ruin(39)

I laughed. “Yeah, it really is.”
“If only I would have done this, I should have done this, I could have done this…” He swore. “Life is full of those three.”
“Three?”
“Woulda, shoulda, coulda.” Wes traced my jaw with his fingertip. “It’s human nature to assume that we have that sort of control over what happens to us, but the truth is… life happens and sometimes you’re too late. Hell, sometimes you’re too early. Sometimes you make the wrong choice just like sometimes you make the right one. The only time people ever use those three is when things don’t go the right way. People don’t question themselves when things are going well. They question themselves when things have gone to hell.”
I hadn’t really thought about that.
“You can spend your life in that zone, thinking you have even a sliver of control over things that you have no power over. Rather than concentrating on what you should have done, concentrate on what you can do now.”
“And what’s that?” I asked breathlessly.
“Kiss your totally sexy and wise boyfriend…” He kissed my nose. “Let him slay your dragons.” His lips moved to my cheek. “And know that in this moment… you’re not living in the woulda, shoulda, coulda zone. You’re exactly where the universe wants you to be.”
“In your bed?” I grinned.
“Nah.” His mouth met mine. “In my arms.”
Breath hissed out of my mouth as he pressed his lips against mine. Everything about him was so warm and alive. I pressed my hands against his chest, loving the way his skin felt against my fingertips.
He pulled back, eyes closed, and swore, clenching my hands to his chest as if they were his lifeline, as if my touch was somehow changing his world.
“I can feel you,” he whispered. “I love having your hands here.” His eyes opened, but it didn’t look like Wes. It looked like a ghost of him, as if he wasn’t really present with me but somewhere far away. “I wish I could be whole for you.”
“Whole?” I slid my hands to his shoulders and pulled him closer. “You gonna tell me you’re half a man?”
He hesitated and then shrugged “Nah, just wish I could be totally yours, only yours. I wish I could get a do-over.”
“A do-over?” I pulled away and lay. “Weren’t you just spouting nonsense about woulda, coulda, shoulda?”
“Right.” He laughed. “Thanks, smart ass.” A pillow landed on my face before I could stop it. I pushed it away and sat up as he did the same.
“All I’m saying…” He sighed as if he had the world on his shoulders. “…is that I wish all my firsts and lasts were with you and only you.”
“Bummer.” I sighed. “I wasn’t the first freshman you kissed?”
“Actually…” H smiled thoughtfully. “You were.”
“Mission accomplished. And I better be the last freshman you kiss.” I jammed my finger in his chest as he winced and threw the pillow again.
“First, last, only.” He bit down on his lower lip. “Favorite.”
“Oh wow, you must want me to have good dreams tonight then, you’re really laying it on thick.”
“Just covering my bases.”
“Oh yeah?”
“What?” He pointed down at himself. “I’m not dream material?”
“Point Wes.” I held up one finger.
Grinning, he reared back and pounced on me, pressing my back against the pillows and the bed as he hovered over me.
“What if my dream turns into a nightmare?”
His face fell. “What do you mean?”
“What if you’re in the dream and I can’t reach you?”
“Close your eyes.”
“What?”
“Just do it.”
“Fine.” Humoring him, I closed my eyes and waited. His lips tickled my ear as he began to whisper.
“Every time you close your eyes, regardless of where I am or where you are, I want you to remember this.” His fingers laced with mine and then he pressed my hand against my own chest. “Wherever I am, whatever I’m doing, alive or dead, young or old, my heart will always be with yours. Every beat you feel against your fingertips…” His finger tapped against my chest, once, twice. “…is me calling out to you. It’s you returning the call. It’s us talking, communicating, bonding, sharing. Living — Kiersten, it’s us living. There may come a time in your life when your heart will have to beat for mine… but you’ll have to carry on if I can’t. Just like there may come a time when I have to do the same for you. But in the end, one of us will always carry on this.” He tapped again. “So there’s never a reason to be afraid of running out of time — because we keep our own.”
I couldn’t trust myself to speak, not after what he’d just said. Wes had single-handedly put me at ease, as well as wisely taught me one thing. Control what you can, love what you can, and the rest, well… the rest was just the rest. So I couldn’t reach my parents? I tapped my fingertips against his chest. Well, I could feel Wes, and he was right. We were keeping our own time, making our own — living.
“Sleep,” Wes murmered. “I’ve exhausted you with my gibberish.”
“Not true!” I yawned.
Wes laughed and kissed my mouth. “Very true. Now, I want you to close your eyes while I hold you and keep watch.”
“Watch?”
“For the damn dragons!” he teased. “Don’t worry, I won’t let them take your virtue.”