Rodeo Christmas at Evergreen Ranch (Gold Valley #13)(51)

And she would’ve said... Well, she would’ve just flat out said she didn’t understand it only a few months ago, but she understood now. That there was nothing to understand. It just was. This thing just existed between them. They hadn’t chosen it. They couldn’t rationalize it. Any more than she could force herself to kiss Dan back in the bar. She couldn’t make herself want to kiss him any more than she could make herself not want to kiss Jake.

Maybe they could do this.

Maybe she could. He’d said that the problem was she wouldn’t be able to go back to being friends if they did this. But she could. She knew that she could. It was just that he was wrong about her. He thought that because she didn’t have any experience it meant that she couldn’t handle it. But she could. Because for whatever reason this was what was happening. And she didn’t particularly believe in fate, or put much store in it, because if she did, then she would have to also acknowledge that fate could be a particular kind of bastard.

Giving her parents a girl after all those boys, then taking her away. Then giving Callie as a replacement who would never quite be able to replace anyone or anything. Callie, who could never be her brothers, but could never be her sister, either.

But this felt just about right. And maybe this was part of it. This growing. Because he’d asked her... Couldn’t she just do it for herself? And if she could... Oh, if she could, the possibilities that opened up. Because then maybe she could have this, too. Just for a little while. Just for fun. Why couldn’t she? Because the cowboys did it—they’d talked about that. And she wasn’t looking for love and marriage or any of that sort of thing. So why couldn’t she do things the way that he did? And what better person to test it out on than Jake? He was the one that she’d gone to. He was the one that she trusted. She still trusted him, even furious at him. That was the thing. No matter how irritating he was, he was Jake. And there was no one else like Jake. He’d taught her to ride a bucking bronco. Maybe he could teach her this, too. Maybe it could be part of it all.

They pulled away, and they were both breathing hard.

“Jake...”

“Get in the truck,” he said.

“But I drove,” she said.

“Oh, I know. We’ll sort that out tomorrow. But right now, you’re coming with me.”

“I don’t think—”

“I don’t want to know what you think. This was stupid. Now get in the truck.”

“Fine,” she said.

She got into his truck, and he didn’t speak again until they started driving.

“Were you trying to punish me?”

“You’re giving me too much credit. I wasn’t trying to punish you. I was trying to prove to myself that I could kiss someone else and enjoy it.”

“And?”

“I didn’t kiss him.”

“Because I came in?”

“Maybe.” She let out a long breath. “No. I wasn’t going to be able to do it. I just wasn’t. I tried. But I... I don’t want him.”

“Good,” he said.

“Jake...” She reached across the space and put her hand on his forearm.

He made a sound, halfway between a breath and a tortured growl. “Be careful.”

“I don’t want to be careful. That’s the problem. I squished myself into a box for my whole life. And there’s a reason that you’re the person I came to when I was ready to be free. There’s a reason that it’s you. And there’s a reason that this is you, too.”

“Because you—”

“Don’t say because you’re the first man I kissed, because that was the point of coming out tonight. To prove that wasn’t why. But it is. I trust you, Jake. If I didn’t trust you I wouldn’t have come to you with all of this. You taught me how to ride. You taught me how to be a cowgirl. Really. Can you teach me this, too?”

“You want me to teach you to be a buckle bunny?”

He asked the question in a scathing tone. Unkind. But she didn’t flinch. Because that was what he wanted her to do.

“If that’s what you need to tell yourself, sure. But you’re the one who said that I couldn’t handle it, so why are you acting like you’re the one with the issue?”

“I already told you. For me these are two separate things. They don’t cross. They don’t meet. Feelings, sex. Not the same.”

“Okay. How do you know it won’t be that way for me?”

“Because it won’t be. It just won’t be, Cal. You’re not like that.”

“How do you know?”

“I know your family is difficult. But you have them. They’re just... There were things in my life that broke apart certain bridges inside me. That’s the only way I can describe it. Things inside people that connect up, they just don’t for me. Now, on the other hand, I’ve lost enough. The relationships I do have are very important to me. I can have sex with anyone, but I can’t have what I have with you with anyone else.”

“Oh.” It was difficult to be mad about that, because it was a nice thing to say. Except... She still felt hurt by it.

Because it still made her feel like there was something about her that wasn’t quite right. And it made her sorry for him.