Rodeo Christmas at Evergreen Ranch (Gold Valley #13)(48)

“She’s lucky,” Boone said.

He shifted uncomfortably. “Oh, I make sure she knows it. It’s too bad she doesn’t feel it more from the rest of you.”

“Let’s see if you’re any kind of a good shot,” Jace said.

Boone chuckled. “I think he’s a good enough shot. I love Callie. We all do. But we worry for her.”

“Sure. But she can’t live any life but her own.”

He had trusted Callie when she’d come to him saying that she needed to get married in order to do this, but he hadn’t really understood how deep it all went until now. The way that she got forced into the roles that they wanted her in. The way that he raised his rifle, fitted against his shoulder and lowered his head so that he could look at the scope. Then he squeezed the trigger, and the bullet unerringly hit its target.

“What blows up, though?” he asked.

Her dad clapped him on the shoulder. “We’re going to have fun with you.”

And suddenly his skin felt like it was too tight. Because for all the irritation he felt on behalf of Callie, this was... A family. A real family. And the way her dad was touching his shoulder was like...

Like a father.

He swallowed hard, and Boone rescued him with C-4. And they spent the rest of the afternoon blowing shit up. Which was infinitely preferable to conversation.





CHAPTER FOURTEEN


CALLIE WAS RESTLESS and pacing and so completely stirred up by what had happened earlier between herself and her mother. And she was... She was thinking. About the implications of it all, and everything that went with it. And then he walked in. He walked in looking beautiful, and she... She could scarcely breathe around it. And she didn’t know what to do about it. He’d done this thing to her. He’d made her want something other than her deepest, most real goal, and she...

And she thought that she... She thought that if she focused, if she didn’t even try to be at all like her sister, her sister who was gone, who she would never be... Who she would never be as good as. She thought that if she just put all that away, that her parents would see. That she was different. But that she was special all on her own.

And she... She was standing here, twenty-four years old and completely without experience with men, having these feelings about one for the first time in her life, all because she had shoved it down so deep for so long in the name of... Trying to be like her brothers. Trying to be something special. Trying to be... Anything but what she’d been born as. Anything but wanting. Compared to her sister, who had apparently been the princess dream of both of her parents. A poor, innocent child that she resented, even though she was dead.

And she didn’t like thinking about it. Not this much. Because it was a weird grief mixed with a strange sort of resentment, and it didn’t feel fair or right or even real half the time. And all she felt was tired. Tired of trying so hard. Tired of wanting. He’d made her... He made her feel things. And that was so awful to her. And he...

Maybe it’s not him.

Maybe any man would do. You’re just hard up.

And the real tragedy was that she was married to him. Married to him, and staying at her parents’ property and about to peel her skin off.

“I take it you didn’t have a very good day baking?”

“No, I didn’t have a good day baking,” she said. “I would think that it’d be obvious.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I want to kiss again,” she said, the words tumbling out of her mouth.

“What?”

“You heard me. I want to kiss again.”

The demand shocked her as much as it seemed to shock him, and excitement broke out over her skin in the form of a cold sweat.

“Cal...”

“I can’t win. I can’t win, Jake. I’m... They’re never going to see me as a son, so why bother? I’m a woman. I’m a woman who wants to ride saddle bronc, and I don’t care if it’s crazy. But I am a woman.” Her eyes felt wet, and she hated it, and she couldn’t stop it, either. “And I... I like men. And I’ve had to pretend I’m just one of them. One of the guys, so that I could... So that I could maybe... I thought maybe I could compare to my brothers. Because there’s no way in hell I can compare to a dead person. A dead person who had limitless possibilities, who never disappointed anybody, who never even got the chance to. How can I live up to that? At least Boone is an asshole sometimes. So maybe I can be as good as Boone. Just maybe. And I thought that I had to be just like them in order to do that. Except better. But it’s not ever going to work. Because my mom just keeps talking about how I have to understand that the rodeo isn’t the important thing. And it’s not what I want. It’s not good for me. And... So forget it. I’m tired of it. I held myself back because of it. But I’m not going to do that anymore. I’m all in. So... Show me what it’s all about, then.”

“Callie,” he said. “I am not kissing you just because you’re pissed off at your parents.”

“Why?” she asked, knowing it was silly to push. No, more than silly it was...tragic. Like she had no pride. “You married me because I was pissed off at my parents.”

His hand curled into a fist, like this was costing him. Like she was a bother to him. “I’d like to still be friends on the other side of this.”