Rodeo Christmas at Evergreen Ranch (Gold Valley #13)(52)

“I just need you to trust me,” she said.

“It’s not you I don’t trust. Well, I guess it is. But I don’t think you’re lying to me. I think you just don’t know.”

“That’s what everyone thinks,” she said. “That I don’t know what I’m getting myself into. That I don’t know what I want. Everybody thinks that I’m not as smart as they are. And everybody wants to keep me from having all the life experiences that they have. What’s the worst that could happen, Jake?”

Right then, they pulled up to the cabin again. He turned the engine off, and the sound of the heat popping against the hood was the only thing that remained.

“I could hurt you. That’s about the worst thing I can think of. Even if you could put on a brave face, even if you... I could hurt you, Cal. And that’s not acceptable to me.”

“News flash, Jake. I’m hurt already. I’m hurt because I want to be something to my parents that I’m not. I’m hurt because trying to be...what I want hurt them and they’ve been hurt enough already. I don’t know how to get what I want, while keeping them from... I don’t know. I’m hurt because I want you and I’m basically having to beg you over it. Because we’re friends, but this thing that I instigated between us pushed us into a weird zone and I don’t know how to get us back into a better space. There’s just going to be hurt. It’s life. It’s like the bucking bronco. I got bucked off, and I broke my arm. But it healed. I’m going to have to do this sometime, with someone.” She turned to face him. Stared him down, even while he refused to look at her. “Wouldn’t you rather it was you? Wouldn’t you rather that you were the one that was there? Making sure that everything was okay?”

She could feel it. She could feel all the tension inside of him snap. She could feel him give in.

“Dammit.”

“Jake...”

“Inside.”

She didn’t need to be asked twice. She hightailed it out of the truck and scurried into the house. She heard his heavy footsteps behind her, and stopped. Then strong, firm hands were on her shoulders, and she was turned to face him. He looked down at her, something in his eyes that she couldn’t read. But he wasn’t angry.

“I don’t know what that’s like,” she said.

“What?”

“Kissing you when you’re not angry.”

He closed his eyes, and groaned. Then he cupped her face with rough hands, and kissed her. It was gentler than all the other kisses they’d shared. Softer. But no less devastating. He tasted her slowly, deepening the contact with each firm press of his mouth against hers. Then he parted her lips, his tongue sliding between them, and she trembled. Trembled as the slick friction worked its way through her body. As it turned her one-quarter liquid, and made it so she could scarcely breathe.

She clung to him. She had never held on to anyone like this. She had never felt quite so dependent on another human being. Like if she didn’t have him right there she would just melt into a puddle on the floor.

When they parted, she was breathing hard. And that giddiness was back. That rush of adrenaline she felt out on the street in town.

“We’re really doing this, right?”

“I’m sure as hell not stopping now.”

“Good,” she said.

She felt drunk with power. With freedom. And it wasn’t until this moment that she realized just how many strictures she’d put on herself. How many limits.

“I built a fence around myself,” she said.

“What?”

“There just wasn’t... There wasn’t anything stopping me from doing this the whole time. With anyone. I mean, not that I want to do it with anyone. I’m glad that it’s you. I just mean... There’s all these fake rules. And all these... Fake lines. Kinds of women you could be, ways to be taken seriously and all these things I told myself. About how I can’t let myself feel good because if I did that I was being a wimp, like I’ve been afraid my dad thinks I am. That I wasn’t working hard enough and... I am. It’s not bad to do this. To let you make me feel good.”

“Wait a minute. Are you telling me that you didn’t like to let yourself feel good because you thought it meant... That you weren’t working hard?”

“It’s just that when my muscles are sore I know I worked out hard enough. When I can’t walk after a good workout, I know that I’m on the right track. That night when you kissed me, when I was doing the burpees out in the arena... Part of why it made me so upset was that I just... Sometimes I just want to punish myself.”

The admission felt so heavy. So, so heavy, but it was real. It was true. “I’m...not who I’m supposed to be.”

He frowned. “How could you not be who you’re supposed to be?”

“I...” Anguish escaped her chest in a gust. “I should have either been born a boy, or not at all. Sophie should still be here. The daughter they wanted. I’m like a consolation prize. A bad one.”

He gripped her arms, his eyes fierce. “Don’t you ever say that. You are like nothing and no one. And you are the best woman I know, do you hear me?”

She did. And she...she found she really wanted to believe him. Really wanted to believe this. She wanted...she wanted so much to be the best woman. At least right now.