Rodeo Christmas at Evergreen Ranch (Gold Valley #13)(56)

He didn’t want that. She was too incredible to live her life with limits. He’d known that from the first time he’d met her. That she was something else. That she was something special.

He reached out and took the rubber band off the end of her braid, slowly weaving his fingers through her dark hair.

“What are you doing?” she mumbled.

He smiled. She was sleepy. But then, she’d come pretty hard, so he imagined she was halfway to knocked out. Normally, he would be, too. Normally, he would be getting his ass out the door, or sending his partner on her way about now so he could get some sleep. But he couldn’t do that with her.

He’d never slept with a woman before. And there were other bedrooms in this house. But he didn’t... He couldn’t make her go. He wanted to shield her. Protect her.

The strangest surge went through his chest. An expansion that felt like air, but was just her. Her and some emotion he couldn’t pin down. Like trying to catch light and put it in a jar so he could examine it.

He didn’t want to examine it. He wanted it gone.

He should go. Right now.

But it would hurt her.

And he wanted to keep on touching her.

“I want to see your hair down,” he said.

“Why?” She turned over onto her back and started to rub her eyes. But his focus was stolen completely by the sight of her bare breasts. She looked at him, bemused. “What?”

“I can’t remember. I’m distracted,” he said. “You’re hot.”

She locked her brows together, her mouth stretched into a flat line. “I am?”

“Callie,” he said. “I’ve wanted you for a long time.”

“You’ve...wanted me?” She sounded genuinely confused.

“Yeah,” he said. “But I knew there was no point to it. I had to keep my hands to myself. At least, that’s what I told myself.”

“Why?”

“We’ve been over this.”

“Right. Feelings and sex and friendship, and none of it shall meet.”

Which was one reason he was being so careful now. Callie was his friend. Bottom line. This was the only woman he’d ever cared about that he wasn’t related to, and that mattered. So this...this couldn’t go past tonight. “That’s how it has to be.”

“Yeah,” she said, a slight note of wonder in her voice.

“What are you thinking, sweetheart?”

She frowned. “You never call me that.”

“Yeah, don’t worry, though. I never ask women what they’re thinking, either. So it’s not like I’m using a generic line.”

It was true. He never asked. Because usually it was just over by now. Orgasms and done. That was what sex was to him. Physical. Not emotional. But Callie was still Callie. She hadn’t transformed into a stranger just because she’d taken her clothes off. And it was... It was a hell of a thing. To actually know the woman he was lying beside. To know the woman that he was naked with. And to care. Really, deeply care. That she was taken care of. That she felt good about what had happened. That she felt safe and protected, and confident.

It was a weight, a responsibility, he couldn’t carry long term.

“I’m thinking... I don’t know how this is my life. I don’t know how three weeks ago I asked you to marry me, and now we’re married, and in bed together. I don’t know a whole lot of anything actually.”

“Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “Life is weird.”

“To say the least.”

“You still want the same things, right?”

“Yes,” she said. “But I need to figure out what it means to want for me. I’ve been so... Obsessed with having all this stuff to make my parents understand me, or see that what I do matters. But this wasn’t for anyone but me.” She put her hand on his chest, her expression adorably filled with awe. “This was just for me.” Then she looked up at him again, this time a hint of fear on her face. “Jake, please tell me that we’ll be friends after this.”

“I told you,” he said. “That was my worry.”

“I care about you,” she said. “About what we have. So much. You’re the most important person in my life. You’ve been there for me... Through everything. And this is another way you’ve been there for me. I just don’t want to lose you because of this.”

“I told you. You’re not going to lose me. I promised.”

“Pinky swear,” she said.

A bubble of humor erupted in his chest. He stuck his hand out, and extended his pinky. “Pinky swear.”

Her expression was serious, grave, as she locked her pinky with his. Then he wrapped his arm around her and pulled her up against him, crushing her breasts to his chest. “I have never pinky swore a woman anything. Much less naked in bed.”

He kissed her then, because how could he not. He’d wanted to kiss her for so long. And he let this be about her. He let it be about teaching her things and taking care of her, and the knowledge that she would go out and find another man if he didn’t damn well do the thing. And he couldn’t stand that, that much he knew. Seeing her with that guy tonight...

He’d been full of murder. And that was damn telling. Because he told himself all this time it was just that he thought she was sexy, and he thought a lot of women were sexy.