Rebound (Seattle Steelheads #1)(85)

“She’s got a point,” Valerie said. “You’re one of those guys who will run toward bullets as a cop or a Marine, but you catch one whiff of something scary in a relationship, and you’re terrified the way the rest of us would be of bullets.”

“Exactly,” Laura said. “It’s painfully obvious that you love Asher, so forget the fact that it’s not good timing or what your idiot ex said.”

“So what am I supposed to do?” I asked.

Laura looked me right in the eyes. “Take the risk, face your fears, grow some balls, and let yourself love him before you regret losing him.”

Well, she definitely couldn’t be accused of sugarcoating things. “Is it really that simple? I mean, yeah, getting involved with Marcus was terrifying, but I stayed with him. Look how that turned out.”

“Uh-huh,” Valerie said. “And don’t act like you didn’t freak out when things were getting serious with him. You couldn’t see into the future and know what you were getting yourself into, and you can’t see into the future now either. Every relationship is a risk, and there’s no guarantee it won’t end in heartbreak. We get that, Geoff. I promise we do. And we get that Asher is a big risk. He’s young, he’s traumatized—that kid is everything you’re afraid to get attached to.” She inclined her head and looked me right in the eye. “But has it occurred to you that maybe what you’re most afraid of is losing him?”

It hadn’t, but the instant she said the words, my chest hurt, because goddammit, she’d hit the nail on the head.

She wasn’t done yet, either. “You were even willing to spend less time with your kids when things got rough with them. It wasn’t because you didn’t love them—it was because you were afraid that things were going to get worse with them, and you were afraid to be there when they did.”

I flinched.

She put her hand over mine and squeezed gently. “You have a big heart, and you always have. You just get scared easily, and God knows you’ve lost enough people that you have every right to. But I think if you let fear win this time, you’ll regret just like you would have regretted staying away from the kids.”

All the air rushed out of my lungs, and I wiped a hand over my face. Laura and Valerie had both been blunt and matter-of-fact, and I’d always loved it about both of them. Getting it in stereo tonight was overwhelming, but…they were right, weren’t they? About all of it. I was a coward when it came to love and relationships. If Marcus hadn’t put poison in my ear the night I confronted him, I still would have found some other reason to doubt what I had with Asher, and I still would have found a reason to leave.

And I’d still be regretting it as badly as I regretted it right now.

“Fuck,” I whispered. “So what do I do now?”

“Talk to him,” both women said in unison.

It might have been funny, getting the advice in stereo like that, but I was too sick with worry that I was too late, or that I’d fucked up too much and talking to him wouldn’t be enough.

“Okay,” I said. “I’ll talk to him.”

Val and Laura didn’t stay long after that. They must have known I needed some time to think about everything they’d said. That, or they just needed to get back to their regularly scheduled lives instead of spending half the night talking sense into me.

Alone in the empty apartment, I sank on to the couch. I was glad the kids were out right now. As much as I enjoyed their company, especially now that things were easier between us these days, I needed a little time to gather my thoughts.

Val and Laura hadn’t told me anything I didn’t already know. Just a lot of things I hadn’t wanted to believe. Now I needed to process some of it. Pull it into some semblance of order and figure out what to do next.

Early on I hadn’t thought much of Laura’s comment about letting something good pass me by. At that point, there hadn’t been anything between Asher and me except sex and the earliest inklings of friendship.

We aren’t soulmates, I distinctly remembered telling myself.

God. That seemed so stupid now. Three days into life after Asher, I didn’t think I’d ever been more wrong than I’d been the moment I’d thought those words. Even if soulmates didn’t exist, we had to be something. We had to be, because I had never hurt like this over someone. Never. I didn’t know or care if we were soulmates, or there was even a word to describe it. All I knew was that I missed him, I hurt for him…

And…

Goddammit. I loved him.

My eyes stung as those words banged around in my head.

It didn’t matter that I hadn’t known him for very long. My feelings for Asher were—despite my efforts to convince myself otherwise—fucking real, and I was definitely in love with him. No wonder I was hurting so damn bad now that he was gone.

Against my will, a memory slid to the front of my mind. A memory of Marcus standing in our bedroom, arms folded while I packed a bag.

“You don’t know what you have until it’s gone,” he’d said with icy smugness. “Once you walk out that door and you don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of winning me back, you’re going to realize what you had. Enjoy the regret, Geoff.”

Thinking about those words now was excruciating. Oh, he’d been right that I’d realize what I had once it was gone. And I was knee deep in regret. Just not regret over leaving him.