Rebound (Seattle Steelheads #1)(80)

My heart ached the second I saw him. He looked as exhausted as I felt, one of the dark circles under his eye emphasized by the healing bruise on his cheekbone. He was still attractive as ever, though—reddish hair tousled from sleep and a tired smile on his lip as he slid a cup of coffee toward me on the counter.

“Thanks,” I said, and took the cup. We sipped our coffee in silence. I couldn’t begin to figure out what he was thinking. Exhaustion clouded my brain too much to even try to read his expression or lack thereof. My own thoughts and feelings were tumbling over each other into a fatigue-blurred mess.

Unfortunately, the one clear thought I had was the one that had been gnawing at me since my shower. I wanted to think about it some more and give myself time to clear my head and make sure I was sure, but whether I liked it or not, I was sure. And if there was one thing that had stuck with me after both my divorce and my split from Marcus, it was the deep regret that it had taken me so damned long to call things off. The longer I held out, the worse I’d feel, and the worse it would hurt Asher when I finally left. This was a bandage best ripped off instead of peeled away slowly.

I put my half-empty coffee cup down. “Listen, um… Before I go…”

I wasn’t looking at him, but I could feel the tension rippling through him from an arm’s length away.

“Yeah?” he asked, his guard up.

Damn. Now I was making him nervous. What the hell did I expect? No way in hell I could drag it out now. Just get it done and over with so we could both start moving on.

I cleared my throat. “I hate doing this before a game. I’m…” I sighed. “Except there’s always a game, and this can’t wait until the season is over.”

Asher tensed even more. “Uh. Okay?”

I was stalling, damn it. Just do it—dragging it out is cruel. “I told you I met with my ex.”

“Yeah?”

I tapped my nails on the counter to expend some nervous energy. “The thing is, he can still get under my skin. One conversation, and he’s got me second-guessing everything. About myself. About breaking up with him.” I swallowed. “About you and me.”

“You know he’s just manipulating you, though.” The thinly-veiled panic in Asher’s voice was heartbreaking, and it was a struggle to keep my own voice calm and even.

“I do. And the very fact that he can still manipulate me like that tells me I’m not ready for another relationship yet.” I finally made myself look in his eyes. “I want this, but…we’ve both got too much to sort through from—I mean, we’re both still wrecks from our exes. I… To tell you the truth, I can’t tell the difference between what I like about us and what’s just a refreshing change from him. And you deserve better than to be someone I’m with just because you’re not him.”

“What?” Asher shook his head. “No, this isn’t all because we’re rebounding from our exes. There’s no way it is.”

“Not all of it, no,” I admitted quietly. “But I can’t tell where the rebound ends and we begin.”

He stared at me, and I couldn’t begin to decide if he looked more shocked or hurt.

Not sure if I was making things worse, I pressed on. “We’re both basically walking on eggshells like we’re still with our exes. It’s exhausting for me, and I can imagine it is for you. We both deserve better than that. And look at us. Both of our jobs require us to be sharp. How are we supposed to function when we’re both too nervous to fall asleep because I might have a nightmare and flail into you?” I sighed, fatigue pushing down hard on my shoulders. “Did you sleep at all last night? Because I sure as hell didn’t.”

Asher flinched and looked away. He didn’t have to answer—the circles under his eyes filled in the blanks well enough.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I just don’t think either of us is in any state of mind to do this. Not right now.”

“So how do we know when we are?”

I shook my head. “I have no idea. I just know I’m not ready for—”

“Geoff, I love you.” The words tumbled out, and I flinched.

“Do you?” I asked softly. “Or do you just love being with someone who doesn’t make you jump every time he moves?”

Asher’s lips parted. “Is that really what you think?”

“I don’t know. That’s kind of my point, Asher. I don’t know which of my feelings are for you and which are because Marcus is out of my life. I can’t imagine yours are any easier to tell apart.”

“So you’re just in this because I’m not your ex?”

“No. I’m in this because I like you. A lot.” I struggled to hold his gaze, and finally gave up and broke eye contact. “I just need some time on my own to figure out what I feel. At all. For anyone.”

He stared at me but didn’t speak. Right then, I wished he’d fly off the handle and tear into me. It would be so much easier to walk away from him if he got angry and let me have it. But he didn’t. He just watched me, too shocked or numb or hurt or something to say anything, and my ears rang from the silence.

“I’m sorry, Asher.” God, it was so hard to stand my ground on this one. I didn’t want to stand my ground. I didn’t want let him go. But what good did it do either of us to stay when we both had too much to work out on our own? “I need to go.”