Not If I See You First(47)

“Right,” I whisper.

“It’s just, you’ve been through so much, I feel stupid complaining about… anything.”

“Sarah, no!” My voice squeaks and I pull back to talk to her face. “If I can talk to Marissa about Owen I sure as hell can talk about your problems with Rick, even if it’s just that it’s boring, or… or… or how you feel about other stuff, like… like your dad leaving—”

“Fuck him. He left. Your dad loved you and he died! Why talk about my * dad?”

“Because he’s your dad! We can talk about losing a bad dad and losing a good one but it’s not a contest! You know how I feel because I tell you. And I… I have guesses but I don’t really know what you think about your dad. I want to know everything, like why you’ve been with Rick so long when he just seemed like a check mark in the Boyfriend Box, and why now you’ve suddenly erased it. It… it kills me to think… God, not telling me stuff doesn’t make me feel special, it makes me feel like I don’t matter to you!”

“I’m sorry,” she whispers. “You matter more than anything. I’m really really sorry—”

“Stop being sorry and just tell me. What happened with Rick really?”

More silence.

“I can’t, Parker. I…”

“Did he do something to you—”

“No, no, nothing like that…”

“Sarah, I’ve been walking around in a funk for two days thinking there’s important stuff you’re not telling me… and there is! We’re never going to get through it if you don’t tell me. I… I… I won’t go to prom with you if you don’t!”

The joke works and she snorts, not quite a laugh, but her voice is serious when she says “Let’s sit down.”

She leads me to the couch and we sit. She doesn’t speak right away. I slide my hand out on the cushion. She takes it loosely. Her hand is clammy and shaking a little.

“You’re scaring me now,” I say with no joking in my voice. “Is something really wrong? Did something happen?”

“No, I just… I don’t want you to shut me out again.”

“I won’t, I promise. Why’d you break up with Rick?”

“I told you. We were just… blah. Habit.”

“Then what’s all this about?”

“It’s… it’s Scott.”

What??

I try my only guess, a bad one. “What… I mean… do you like him?”

“No.”

“Then… oh… wait… wait… Is he looking at you now?”

“No, Parker,” Sarah says. “He’s looking at you.”

“Well… okay… but I don’t see how…”

“With him away at Jefferson these past two years, I kind of forgot what it looked like. Now I see him looking at you again… Rick’s never looked at me like that.”

I don’t know what to say.

“He still looks at you like he used to, even before you got together, like you’re the most important thing in the world. Like if you were trapped on railroad tracks he’d break every finger to get you free without even noticing… and if he couldn’t, he’d sit on the tracks and hold your hand and watch you instead of the train.”

I take a deep breath and feel like I have to defuse this. “That’s kind of extreme, isn’t it?”

“Nope. Intensity isn’t creepy from people who really love you. Don’t you think your dad would have gone blind instead of you if he could have?”

“I know he would’ve.”

“Scott too. He doesn’t have a crush on you or just want to get in your pants or think you’re better than nothing. He loves you. And I couldn’t watch that anymore, when you’re not even together, and see Rick barely look at me at all. I was just a check mark to him, too. I don’t believe in soul mates either—”

“God, if Scott was my soul mate, I’m screwed.”

“But it still showed me you can get a hell of a lot closer than I was with Rick. Then goofing around in the mall put me over the top.”

And just like that, I understand what this is really about. God, I’m an idiot sometimes.

I pull my hand back.

“You think I should have stayed with him.” I hear my voice and it’s freaky. Flat. Dead.

“Parker, no, I’m on your side!”

Hands grab at mine and I pull back, more because I instinctively don’t like being grabbed than not wanting Sarah to touch me.

“Please, Parker, it doesn’t matter what I think—”

“Of course it matters! If it didn’t I wouldn’t be here!”

“Parker—”

“Wait, just… just wait.” I dig my phone out of my pocket.

“You asked about my date. I found out Jason and Scott are friends. And when Jason stopped Isaac and Gerald, it was Scott who came first and Jason followed him. He said he thought Scott was ready to beat the shit out of them if he hadn’t stopped him.”

“I know.”

“What?! How the hell do you know?”