Not If I See You First(44)

I don’t answer. It feels terrible because I want to, but I don’t want to lie to her anymore. I want to tell her all about what happened with Jason, and Scott, and Jason and Scott… but… I also don’t want to be anyone’s project or entertainment. Most of all I want her to come tell me everything she’s been keeping from me, though my brain hurts from the conflicting feelings of wanting this while thinking it makes me selfish and pathetic.

Pathetic. How did this happen? Of all the things it means to be Parker Grant, how did it come to pathetic?

God, I want to be angry. I want to feel betrayed. I know how to deal with those things. But lost, adrift, alone, and sad?

I already know I’m not going to call Sarah. I know it’s going to make me feel stupid and petty and yes, pathetic. And I know that knowing this won’t change anything—I still won’t call her. The thing I don’t know is what I’ll do when she gives up waiting and calls me. I was willing to just ignore Scott trying to talk to me, but I could never in a million years do that to Sarah.





EIGHTEEN


Sarah hasn’t called. No texts either. My phone hasn’t quacked in over twenty-four hours.

I’m with Jason before school again, at the Bio Garden. He texted me a couple times last night just to say hi and ask what special tones I assigned him on my phone. I hadn’t even thought about it so I told him he’d just have to wait till morning. Maybe this is what people mean when they say lying gets easier. I’m doing it more but hating it just as much. I think he’s disappointed that I assigned him Male With Deep Voice but there really aren’t that many choices. He should just be glad he’s not Chipmunk or Leprechaun or Martian. I think he likes that his ringtone is running footsteps, though—I did make a little effort.

He says he didn’t run with Scott this morning, that he needed to think about things. He says Scott said he understood, but Jason isn’t sure what that means. I see it as more evidence that everything around me is falling apart. My morning run was as clumsy and cut short as yesterday’s.

I’m also a no-show at morning Office Hours and Sarah still hasn’t texted me. I’m not planning to go to the cafeteria for lunch. If I get to the end of the day without a quack, that’ll mean the pretending is over.

Jason walks me to Trig and then runs off to his first class, Physics, I think, I’m not really sure. Shouldn’t I be interested?

Molly isn’t there when I sit, or at least I assume this since she always says something. Yesterday, after my texting with Scott and him talking to Jason, I was tense about what might happen, but I barely heard Scott at all, and what few times D.B. said something to him, he gave one-word answers. This morning no one’s saying anything.

“D.B.?” I say.

“Hey, P.G. What’s up?”

“Nothing, I… I just don’t know who’s around if no one says anything.”

“Oh, yeah, well, I’m here. So’s Scott, but not Molly. Nathan’s here—”

“Huh?” Nathan asks from in front of D.B.

“It’s okay, I don’t need a roll call. Just who’s nearby.”

“Oh. You finish the homework?”

“Like always. You?”

“I wrote down answers for everything but they’re probably wrong.”

“I wouldn’t worry too much. There are more important things in life than trigonometry.”

“I still need passing grades even if I get a football scholarship. Hey, maybe if Molly’s sick again—” He stops. Then he says, “Hey Molly, what’s up?”

“Not Parker,” Molly says. “Unless by up you just mean not in bed anymore.”

“What?” I say.

“You.” She sits down. “You’re not up. As in you’re down. Like you were all day yesterday. It’s okay. You can’t be up every day. It’d be weird if you were.”

“Well…” I try to think of something Parker would say if she weren’t down. “There you go. I wouldn’t want to be weird.”

D.B. laughs. It surprises me how much I appreciate it.





I reach the library after school but as I approach our table I don’t hear Molly’s usual greeting. Maybe I’ve beaten her here for once.

“Hey, Parker,” Sarah says.

I stiffen, outwardly. I can’t take it back.

“Hey, Sarah. Where’s Molly?”

“I asked her at lunch if she could be five minutes late today so we could talk. I know texting during the day is a pain.”

It is for me. I put down my bag and sit. I try to relax but can’t. “About what?”

“About whatever I did that you’re mad about.”

“I’m not mad.” I throw in a shrug. It’s true. I wish I were mad. I just found out I liked her more than she likes me, or at least trusted her more… Talking about it would just make it worse, make me even more pathetic.

“If you’re not mad you’re still something. I can see wanting to hang out with Jason, but you’re not talking to me at all anymore. Why didn’t you call me last night?”

There it is, the direct question. So far my lies have been slippery. I just don’t have it in me to completely make up some bullshit reason why I didn’t call. I might not be able to tell her the whole truth, but at least I can say true things.