Not If I See You First(45)

“I just didn’t feel like talking. Is that not okay?”

“Of course it’s okay, but…” She takes a deep breath. “Something’s happened. I don’t know what, but…” Her voice drops to a near whisper, not angry, more like she’s hurt. “You’re treating me like I’m stupid. I might not be taking all honors and AP classes like you but it’s just that I don’t want to bother with subjects I don’t care about. It’s not because I’m stupid. I’m not stupid.”

My throat closes. These past two days have seemed like forever and God I miss my Sarah. But I missed Scott, too, and just like now, I was actually missing what I thought I had, not what I really had. I miss the Sarah I thought I had. I feel like I’m melting.

I cough to clear my throat. “I know you’re not. You’re the smartest person I know.”

“Next to you,” she says. I can’t tell if it’s a Sarah-style joke or a jab.

“I know I’m not as smart as you. I’ve actually been feeling pretty stupid lately.”

“Why?”

“Just… stuff. You know.”

“No, I don’t know.”

Silence.

“This is about Rick, isn’t it?”

“Why would I be upset about you breaking up with Rick?”

“Not that I did, just that I didn’t, I don’t know, tell you I was going to do it beforehand? I told you I decided while you were out with Jason. Did you want me to call you at the restaurant during your date?”

“You could if you wanted to.”

“Just so you’d get to hear about it before it happened instead of after?”

I concentrate on slowing down my breathing, to stay calm.

“I didn’t know you thought I was that petty,” I manage to say.

“No, Parker, I’m sorry.” She sits across from me and puts her hands on mine. I flinch but I don’t pull back. I don’t want to do anything to make things worse.

“I didn’t mean that,” she says. “I just… I don’t understand. Please, whatever it is, just tell me. You know you can tell me anything, don’t you?”

“I know. And you can tell me anything, right?”

“I know I can. Believe me, my next boyfriend, when I’m going to dump him, you’ll hear about it first. I promise.”

I take my hand from hers, but to make it less glaring, I start unloading my bag for when Molly comes.

“Only if you want to,” I say. “It’s not a new rule or anything. You don’t need to run everything by me first.”

“That’s not… that’s not what I meant. I just mean…” She doesn’t finish the sentence. I don’t think she knows what she means if it’s not what it sounded like. I don’t know what else it could mean.

The door to the library opens.

“I hope that’s you, Molly. We have lots to do today.”

“Only if you’re taking different classes than I am,” Molly says. Then she adds, “Oh, or… I mean, except Trig I guess, that could take a while.”

Sarah gets up. “I’ll ca—” She stops herself. Then, “See you, Molly.”

When she’s gone, Molly says, “Should I ask, or… no?”

I struggle to think of a way to say no that isn’t rude. None of this is Molly’s fault and has nothing to do with her, but we’re getting to be friends, so even just saying no would sound… unfriendly.

“I’m not ready to be asked yet. But thanks for asking… about asking…”





Molly walks me to the parking lot to wait for my ride. She asks if I want to be alone and I say definitely not. She sits next to me but we don’t talk. Maybe I’m not petty but I guess I can be selfish.

Aunt Celia’s car arrives. I know Sheila’s driving since Aunt Celia texted that she’s at a parent meeting for Petey’s field trip to the tide pools tomorrow; I would’ve known anyway because the radio is really loud. I say goodbye to Molly and climb into the car.

Sheila’s favorite Alicia Keys CD is on full blast. It’s good but soulful and I’m not sure I can take it.

“Can we have the music off?” I shout.

“I want it on!”

Damn. “How about not so loud? Maybe turn it down a notch?”

I hear the music go from what sounds like volume 95 down to 92. I don’t know the name of the song but I’m wobbly and it’s starting to tip me over.

“Please, Sheila, I’m asking!”

It turns down to maybe 89.

“No, seriously, I can’t take it!” I reach out to find the knob though I’ve never touched it before in Aunt Celia’s car and have no idea where it is. I feel some buttons and move my hand to the left—Sheila’s hand bats mine away.

“We’ll be home in a couple minutes!”

“I don’t have a couple minutes! I’m having a shitty couple of days and I can’t stand it! You can live without your goddamn music for two minutes and when we get home you can crawl back into your room and lock the door and listen to whatever as loud and as long as you want!” I lunge out and drag my hand across all the buttons and the CD ejects—