Not If I See You First(51)

“Oh? Where do you work?”

“I… do building maintenance and some landscaping at Ridgeway Mall, for the owner, not just any one store. But… that’s not what you came to talk about.”

“No. I came to tell you…” What?

Silence.

Then something comes out without me even thinking about it, in a whisper.

“I miss my dad.”

“I…” Scott says. “I know. I’m sorry. I wanted to… when it happened, but… you know. I… I mean…”

He’s using what I used to call his boyfriend voice but I don’t think it’s deliberate. To me it’s like a cat purring.

“What?” I ask.

“Nothing. I’m just sorry about your dad.”

“You were going to say something else.”

“It’s nothing. I’m just sorry.”

“It’s okay, Scott. Say it. You… you can say anything.”

“It’s just… I miss him, too.”

Scott’s dad died of a heart attack when Scott was just a baby. I never really thought much about how all that time Scott spent at our house was time with my dad as well as me. It never occurred to me that when I cut him off he lost my dad too, long before I did.

“I’m sorry.” I can barely hear myself.

“You don’t have anything to be sorry about.”

“I do. I… I should have let you explain. It wasn’t fair that I didn’t even listen.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It matters! I… I don’t want to be someone who doesn’t listen! And… and I think it would have made a difference.”

He says nothing. There’s definitely something I’m missing, but I don’t even know how to ask.

“You know they think he killed himself?”

“What?” He sounds like this is a complete surprise.

“He OD’d on prescription drugs. I know it was an accident. The police report said the amount of drugs made it impossible to say for sure but they strongly suspected suicide and that was enough for the insurance company.”

“Of course it was an accident, Parker. He’d never do that to you. Never.”

“I know… except… I didn’t even know he was taking anything in the first place. For depression or anxiety or both, I don’t know. It’s like those things are tangled up in ways I don’t understand.”

“It doesn’t matter. It was an accident.”

“But what if it wasn’t!”

I’m holding the half-full glass of iced tea on the table and with all the moisture it slips out of my grip when my hand squeezes—it slides across the table and stops. Scott takes my hand with his, puts the glass back into it, and lets go. My throat closes up.

“It was an accident,” he says. “It was.”

I cough. “But he was taking drugs and I didn’t know, since he felt… I don’t know, depressed or something, and I didn’t know that either. What else didn’t I know? It’s like he was just another secret like everyone else.”

“What does that mean?”

“Everyone is a secret. There’s no way to know what’s in anyone’s head.”

“Ummm… what’s in my hand right now?”

“What? I… I don’t know. How could I?”

“Check it out. It’s right here.”

I find his hand, palm up. He gently closes his fingers and now we’re holding hands.

“There’s nothing in it,” I say.

“Sure there is.” He squeezes. “People are full of things you don’t know but that doesn’t mean they’re secrets; you just don’t know everything yet.” He lets go. “And that’s good, otherwise you’d have no reason to talk anymore.”

There’s a lot I don’t even know about myself, apparently, like why I’ve been such an idiot. All I can think about now are things I do know, like how much I want him to keep talking, and how much I want him to touch my hand again.

Scott stands up. “I have to go to work. Was that why you came, to talk about your dad?”

“No,” I say. I hear my wretched voice and hate myself for it. I stand and sway a bit and grab the back of the chair for support. “I came here… to tell you I’m sorry. I should have listened to you back then. It wasn’t fair to shut you out. I hope you can forgive me. I want to be friends again. Can we?”

“I wish we could. It’s not really possible. And I can’t forgive you when you did nothing wrong. I really have to go. How’d you get here? If you need a ride—”

“No, Sarah will pick me up.” I unfold my cane while trying to orient to walk to the front door with him. “Why can’t we be friends?”

“You need to be able to trust your friends.”

“I… I trust you.”

He opens the front door and we step through. “You used to trust me without hesitating. I can’t forget what that was like.”

He closes the door. “I’m going to be late. You need me to call Sarah?”

“I’ll do it.”

“Okay, I have to go.” His voice fades as he crosses the yard to the driveway and opens a car door. “I’ll see you in Trig tomorrow.”