Nobody's Lost (Rescue Me Saga #5)(32)

“And how do they suggest you do that?”

“Spiritual ceremonies. Drumming is one way I learned as a kid to reconnect to the heartbeat of Mother Earth.”

“When’s the last time you drummed?”

He closed his eyes and whispered, “Before I left for Fallujah, I participated in a warrior ceremony that prepared me to go to war again. Carlos had just enlisted in the Navy, so we went through the ceremony together.”

“Did you participate in any kind of ceremony when you returned? Something to welcome you home and, more importantly, remove the negativity from your wartime experiences?”

He shook his head.

“Why not? Don’t they do something like that?”

“Sure, but I was too busy trying to…save my marriage. And exist.”

“Have you talked with Carlos? Perhaps he could arrange some kind of—

“He’s been trying to get me to do a purification lodge ceremony and vision quest. I don’t know that anything will help at this point.”

“Never give up, Ryder. You have people in your life who would be heartbroken if you kept this bottled up inside to the breaking point. Including me.”

“You just met me. Why do you care?”

“I…feel a special connection with you.” One I’ve never felt with any other man before you.

Not able to explain why, she needed to be as close as possible to him. Framing his face, she pulled him toward her as she rose on tiptoes. Her lips brushed his, making hers tingle in a delicious way, but his mouth remained stiff and closed. Her tongue traced the line of his lips. With a groan, he relented and pushed her forward until her hips pressed against the counter behind her. He grabbed her head and held her still in that way, too. His tongue invaded her mouth, and she welcomed this assault on her senses.

Her nipples hardened. She broke away long enough to gasp for a breath.

“Ryder, I want you. Inside me. I’m not promising you anything more than this moment and don’t expect anything from you beyond today, but…will you make love to me? Tonight?”

He tried to pull away, and she lowered her hands to his shoulders, not wanting him to leave her frustrated. Again. Neither of them was looking for forever, but right now, they needed each other.

She doubted Ryder could deal with being responsible for another person and knew he would take on the lion’s share of responsibility in any relationship he entered into. Just as he held onto his responsibility for the Marines who served with him long after they returned home.

“No strings, Ryder. No regrets either. I know you want me as much as I want you. I’ve felt how…turned on you are. I feel you now, hard against my belly.”

He put some distance between their bodies. “I don’t want to hurt you, Megan. You don’t strike me as the kind of girl who would sleep around. You need to wait for someone who can love and cherish you for a lifetime. I’m not that man. With you, I would feel responsi—”

Megan seethed. Unlike Ryder, she wouldn’t hold back. “I’m not your responsibility! I’m your friend. A friend who has felt a strong attraction to you since we met.” He quirked an eyebrow. “Look, Ryder, I’m not interested in long-term either. Or, God forbid, marriage.”

“Why not? You’d make a wonderful wife and mother.”

She closed her eyes, the pain of looking into his eyes too difficult. “I’m not… It’s just…” She wouldn’t explain her fateful decision to him, but gazed up at him again. “Not every woman is looking for marriage and family, Ryder.”

He leaned away, widening his eyes. “But you are one perfect woman for some lucky man.”

How could she convince him she wasn’t looking for a husband? Perhaps actions would speak more loudly than words. She placed her hand on his chest and flicked her thumbnail against his nip and leaned closer to whisper, “You turn me on, Ryder Wilson. No man has ever had that effect on me before. My vibrator has been working overtime for days now.”

He grinned. “So I’ve heard.”

Her eyes opened wide. “No way!” The heat rushed into her cheeks.

His callused finger stroked her flushed cheek. “I love how you blush. So sweet. Innocent. But hearing that vibrator the other night surprised the hell out of me.”

Oh, God. How many times had he heard it?

Did he just think she was oversexed? “Just know I’ve been fantasizing about our making love.” Wait. Leave love out of it. Neither of them could handle that. “I want to have sex with you, Ryder. I can tell by the way you kiss me back and a thousand other gestures that you would be a gentle lover—partner.”

She probably should stop, but the words kept pouring out. “I want you beside me, inside me.” She wanted to make it very clear going into this deal what he would find. No surprises. No tricks. “I want you to be my first.”

The smile left his face. “First—ever?”

She nodded. “Yes.” First and last, but she wouldn’t put that kind of pressure on the man.

He broke away from her and ran a hand through his short-cropped hair. “Jesus, Megan. If your brothers found out I even slept with you, much less that I took your virginity, they’d nail me to the nearest tree.”

“Ryder Wilson, I am twenty-six years old! Don’t you dare bring my brothers into our bed.”