NOCTE (Nocte Trilogy #1)(72)

Her breath is loud, and I hear Dare coming up behind her, but he takes her cue and doesn’t say a word.

“It is living,” she says. “It’s living because I love you. I’ll do anything for you. You’re part of me, and I’m part of you and that’s the way it works. Please, God, please… don’t do this, Finn. Don’t do this.”

She’s crying now, shivering in the wind with her tears, but I feel lighter than I’ve felt in ages. In weeks. In months.

“It’ll all be ok, Calla,” I tell her. “It’ll be over soon.”

I smile and tilt my face toward the sky.

The sun feels good on my face.

Warmth = Life.

“No,” Calla cries out, lunging toward me, but I step backward.

“Don’t move,” I tell her. “Or I’ll do it right now.”

“Why are you doing this?” she sobs, her blazing red hair whipping around her from the wind. “Why, Finn?”

“Because things have to happen in order,” I tell her, as calmly as I can, only it sounds like I’m shouting. “You weren’t moving in order, Calla. I had to make you. This is how I’m making you. My secret. I’m helping you, you just don’t see it.”

“What is your secret?” she shrieks, tears falling onto her nose, her mouth, her shirt. “Tell me and I’ll help you, Finn. Save me and I’ll save you, remember? Let me save you!”

She’s sobbing and I am too and I can’t tell the difference between us anymore.

DoItDoItDoIt! The voices chant. JumpJumpJumpJump. Show her show her show her.

“Shut up!” I shout, covering my ears. “I tried, Calla. I tried. But I can’t do this anymore. Not even for you.”

I picture my list in my head, because it’s the only thing that drowns out the voices. It’s a clean page without mar or smudge. In my head, I carefully write the words, then cross them off because I’m about to complete my task. Finally.

End it now.

“I love you,” I tell my sister. I step back.

“Nooooo!”

The harsh shout breaks through my concentration and I pause on the edge, with the wind blowing through me, because the voice wasn’t Calla’s. It was Dare’s.

Confused, I look up to find Dare standing exactly where Calla had just been.

Red hair blows around my shoulders while my shoes balance on the edge.

Pink converses.

They should be black.

“Calla, step away from the edge,” Dare pleads. “Please.”

Calla, step away from the edge.

What the hell?

I stare at Dare, balanced precariously, as I try and sort through what is happening with jagged, phrenetic thoughts. The pieces fly apart and whirl and come back together, forming partially cohesive thoughts. Through all of it, though, one thing is clear.

Finn isn’t here.

I’m standing on the edge where Finn had just been. Panic and confusion seize me, as I whirl about, hunting for my brother, but already knowing something deep down.

I finally know Finn’s secret.

He’s not here.

He never was.





41


QUADRAGINTA UNUS

Calla



I’m panicked as I stare at Dare, disoriented and terrified, as the wind whips my hair around my face.

No. This isn’t right. This can’t be.

Images and memories and pictures flood my mind with lightning speed, fitting together, pulling apart, forming a collage, then another and another.

Memories.

My life.

All of it.

I fight to find words, but I can’t and so I start to sob instead, stepping away from the edge and sinking to the ground. Dare wraps his arms around my shoulders, pulling me to safety.

“I’m crazy,” I hear myself cry, clinging to Dare. His voice is husky and calm.

“You’re not,” he insists. “You’re not.”

“Where’s Finn?” my voice is broken because deep down, I know where Finn is. I know it in my heart, I know it in my soul. I’ve been hiding it from myself all along.

Dare remains quiet, his large hands stroking my back, urging me to calm.

I have to know. I have to see.

Wrenching away from Dare, I leap to my feet and take off for my house. I throw open the doors and bound through the dark house, taking the stairs two at a time until I’m standing in front of Finn’s bedroom door.

I stare at the wood, at the grain, at the indention, at the handle. I don’t want to open it because I know what I’ll find.

But I have to. I have to see it.

Reaching down, I turn the knob.

The door creaks open, revealing what my heart knew I’d find.

An empty room.

The bed is still there, neatly made. Finn’s posters are still on the wall, of Quid Quo Pro and the Cure. His black converses sit next to the door, like he’s going to wear them again, but he’s not. His dirty laundry is still in his hamper. His books line the shelves. His favorite pillow waits for him, his CDs, his phone. All of it.

But he’s not coming back.

Dare’s hand is on my back, comforting me. I can’t feel anything.

I step inside and sit on the bed, listening for my brother.