NOCTE (Nocte Trilogy #1)(71)

That’ll have to be enough.

Dare walks me out of the hospital and to his bike, handing me my helmet. I wrap myself around his waist and we ride with the wind in our faces.

Freedom has never felt so good.

LIVE FREE. I understand that phrase now more than I thought I ever could.

When we get home, Dare pauses.

“I want to stay with you when you read the journal. Is that ok?”

He’s hesitant and sweet as he lingers on the bottom step of my porch. I’m self-conscious that he thinks I’m so fragile, but I nod anyway.

“Ok.”

He follows me to my room and sits at my desk while I curl up on my bed.

“Just pretend I’m not here,” he advises.

I shake my head, but that’s exactly what I do.

I ignore the sexy British heartthrob sitting two feet from me, and instead, focus on saving my brother.

To do that, I dive into his journal. I’ve only got a quarter of it left to read. I begin skimming through it, and it weaves its way back and forth between being lucid and crazy.



Ignore her.

Ignore it all.



Deus adiuva me. God help me. Me. Me.

God help me.

Nocte liber sum.

By night I am free.

I have to protect my secret. Have to have to have to.



This gibberish continues for pages, with pictures and phrases and words, until I come to one particular page. There’s a drawing of me and Finn, sitting on top of the cliffs. Finn is throwing his medallion over the side.



She needs it now. Not me not me not me.

Protect her from me. Protect her from me.

Protect her from me.

Love is stronger than death than death than death.



Love is stronger than death.

End this end this end this.

End this all.

Please god.

Please.



“Protect her from me,” I whisper, ice water pumping through my veins. “Finn knew he was going to do something to me. He was afraid of it. He kept trying to give me his St. Michael’s medallion to protect me. But I kept giving it back.”

I feel limp and shell-shocked as I stare at Dare.

“He knew he was going to hurt me. He couldn’t help it.”

Dare’s eyes are stormy. “So he gave you the nuts to protect you?”

I nod, the knowledge cutting through me to my heart. “He’d never hurt me. He only wanted to help me. It’s the only way he knew how in the state he’s in.”

“Have you figured out his secret?” Dare’s question is solemn. I shake my head.

“No. He keeps referencing it. He says I have to protect my secret. But he doesn’t say what it is.”

Dare opens his mouth to speak, but Finn’s voice is louder, thunderous, coming from the door.

“What are you doing with my journal?” he demands, his skin pale and his blue eyes paler. His expression is stormy though, furious. “You said you couldn’t find my journal, Calla. Did you have it all along? Did you hide it from me?”

I stammer, trying to form a reply, but he won’t let me.

“This is bullshit, Calla,” he snaps. “I’ve been killing myself with guilt and trying to figure out a way to help you, and you’ve been going behind my back all along.”

He stands still, so furious that he’s shaking. “You want to know my secret?” he asks, icily calm now. I nod, terrified. “Then come find out.”

He whirls around and storms out, down the stairs and out the door. I’m stunned for a minute, then I leap to my feet. I can hear Dare on my heels as I rush to follow my brother.





40


QUADRAGINTA

Finn



I fly over the trails, skidding up the path, with my sister right behind me. I don’t stop until I reach the cliffs, because God, I have to end it. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t hide it. She has to know She has to know She has to know.

I can’t take it anymore.

She has to know.

“Finn!” Calla calls out. I turn around slowly, and I can hardly stomach the look on Calla’s face. She’s in so much pain, and I’m causing it.

It’s me.

It’s me.

It’s me.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you, Cal,” I tell her quietly, every word hurting my heart. “I just can’t take it anymore. The voices… they’re louder than my own. They tell me to do things, and I can’t tune them out. I don’t want you to hurt anymore. And I don’t want me to hurt. You’re a part of me and I’m a part of you and we shouldn’t have to hurt.”

Calla freezes, her hand in the air, because she hears the desperation in my voice.

“The secret is killing me, Cal,” I tell her. I sound desperate and weak and pathetic. “I can’t take it. It’s not fair to you, and it’s not fair to me.”

“What is your secret, Finn?” she asks slowly, careful not to approach me. “Can you back away from the edge and tell me?”

I laugh, a hysterical sound, like a deranged hyena.

I’m unhinged unhinged unhinged.

I’ve come unhinged.

“Aren’t you tired of talking me off the edge?” I demand. “Aren’t you? Aren’t you tired of balancing on these cliffs and being afraid that we’ll tumble over the edge? I know I am. This isn’t life, Calla. This isn’t living. Love is stronger than death, Cal and this isn’t living.”