NOCTE (Nocte Trilogy #1)(77)

Four days of mourning.

Four days of having it hang over my head until one morning, I’ve had it.

“I’ve got to do it today,” I decide at breakfast. Dare immediately stands up.

“Ok.”

I ride on the back of his back on the way to the cemetery, my face pressed against his strong back. I close my eyes and inhale the fresh air, absorbing the sunshine, feeling the warmth.

Warmth = Life.

We pull to a stop outside the gates and Dare kills the motor, careful to respect the sacred grounds of the burial place.

“It’s so odd,” I tell him as we walk through the manicured grounds, stepping around stones. “I remembered my mother’s funeral, but I didn’t remember a thing about Finn’s. We had a joint funeral, but my mind blocked out anything that had to do with Finn. But I remember it now. You were there. I saw your face. You were in the back.”

At that point, I didn’t even remember him. God.

Dare squeezes my hand and we walk straight to the back, straight to the white marble headstones that mark the ground.

I look at my mother’s first, because even though it’s gut-wrenching, it’s easier.

LAURA PRICE. I trace the name with my finger, sinking to my knees.

“I’m sorry, mom,” I whisper to her. “I’m so sorry I called. I’m so sorry you answered. Please forgive me. I love you. I love you.”

I kiss my fingers and press them to the stone, and then I do the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do.

I turn and say goodbye to my brother.

My Finn.

Finn’s memorial stone is white and glows in the late afternoon sun. The writing on it brings tears to my eyes, because I recognize it immediately….it’s very similar to what Mark Twain had inscribed on his daughter’s stone.

The words on Finn’s blur as tears fill my eyes once again, or still.

Good night, sweet Finn. Good night, good night.

I tear up for a thousand reasons, and one of them is my dad. He must’ve paid attention to me over the years after all, because I’d told him once how heart-wrenching and beautiful I thought this particular epitaph was. And when it was time to pick Finn’s stone, I wasn’t in a position to help.

But my dad had remembered, and this is perfect.

It’s exactly what I would’ve chosen for my brother.

I sink to the ground in front, not caring that the earth is muddy and wet, and trace the words with my fingers.

Good night, sweet Finn.

He was sweet. And kind and good and funny. He was brilliant and witty and sharp. He was my brother, my best friend, half of my soul. He was all of those things and more. He was more than anyone else ever knew or ever would know. Because I was the only one lucky enough to really know him.

“I miss you,” I whisper. “God, I miss you.”

I slump against the cool marble, and I talk to my brother. I talk to him like he’s sitting right here with me. I tell him about dad, Dare and my mental break.

“So I’m crazy, too,” I tell him. “And I always thought I needed to worry about you.”

I feel Dare sigh behind me, because I know he wants to tell me that I’m not crazy, but he doesn’t interrupt. He just stands aside and lets me do what I need to do.

“I think I have to leave,” I tell Finn. “I don’t want to leave you, but you’re not really here, and I can’t stay. Not right now. It’s too hard. Do you understand?”

His cold marble stone doesn’t reply and I lean my cheek against it, desperately wishing that Finn were here.

But he’s not.

I’m wiping away a tear when I see it.

I stiffen and startle and stare.

A dragonfly hovers nearby.

Large and shiny, it’s greenish-blue wings shimmer in the late afternoon sun. It watches me, unafraid, as it hangs in the air, it’s gorgeous wings fluttering fast. It seems to be here for me, because it doesn’t move away. It simply waits with me, watching me.

My heart pounds and I’m frozen in shock.

“Finn,” I breathe.

I’m not crazy enough to believe the insect is Finn. However, I am crazy enough to think that Finn is here, somewhere, and that he sent the dragonfly as a sign.

He’s ok.

I’m suddenly surrounded by a strange peace, by something ethereal and other-worldly and I think it must be real.

Finn is bringing me comfort, like he always has.

“I love you,” I whisper. “I will always love you.”

The sunlight hits the dragonfly just so, and it makes it look like it winks at me. I smile through my tears, and it flies away. I watch it go, and the peace that has wrapped around me spreads inside, to my heart.

I’m still in pain, but for the first time in over a week, I feel calm, quiet, hopeful.

The air around me feels reverent and sacred somehow, and I hesitate to move, to get up, to take a step. But I have to, because I know that’s the most important thing. That’s the point, that’s what Finn was here for.

To move me forward.

To show me that he’s okay, that I’m okay, and that I need to move forward without him.

It’s scary because I’ve never been without him before. But at the same time, I know that I’m not alone.

I look up at Dare.

“That was real, right?”