Maybe Later(2)

I need you back.

J. Spearman.





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From: C. Jones

To: J. Spearman.

Subject: Automatic reply: VA

Friday, March 4th, 9:30 p.m.



I will be out of the office from March 7th to June 10th. I won’t be checking my email. This email is being forwarded by an automated system. Please allow 24hrs to receive a response. If you need immediate assistance, please contact Amy Walker, [email protected]





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From: A. Walker

To: J. Spearman

Subject: RE: VA

Friday, March 4th, 11:42 p.m.



Dear Mr. Spearman,

Carla won’t be available until June 10th. If you have any immediate questions or concerns, you can contact me during business hours. That’s 8 am to 5 pm MST. Any time worked outside those business hours will be billed as overtime—per contract. To answer your question, the function of the questionnaire is to be able to better serve you. A virtual assistant is like a personal assistant. The only difference is that I’m not on location to meet your needs. However, here at VAES, our commitment is to provide you with the best service we can. In order to do that, we like to learn as much as possible about you and your work environment.

Please consider answering the questionnaire so I can serve you more efficiently.

I must address the following from the email you sent to Carla, your assistant:

“She spends time with sushi and ramen. Doesn’t she know people aren’t food? Is that a metaphor for something else? How old is she? Not even my grandmother knits, that’s for old people. Pilates, yoga … did you hire me some hippie from the sixties? My mom sounds younger than her. Maybe she’s one of those hipsters whose goal in life is to go to Tibet and don’t eat meat. Find me a real person.”

My cats are named Ramen and Sushi. I named them after my favorite foods. I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt, but you sound ageist, Mr. Spearman. Anyone can knit or needlepoint. If you must know, I’m twenty-eight. I’m sure your mother is a lovely woman, but I’m much younger than her. It’d be nice to visit Tibet, but it’s not on my to-do list since traveling isn’t an activity I partake in.

I enjoy meat as much as I enjoy vegetables. I must confess that I don’t care for pork, duck or any game. I prefer to eat fish, but I love my burgers too. I’ll take a juicy steak—medium rare—any day of the week.

Though the development of artificial intelligence continues to amaze me, I doubt that there’s an A.I. as efficient as I am.



I am real, Mr. Spearman.

Regards,

Amy Walker





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From: J. Spearman

To: A. Walker

Subject: RE: VA

Saturday, March 5th, 12:22 a.m.



Dear Ms. Walker:

The beauty of A.I. technology is that it doesn’t ask too many questions. They’re programmed to help users without being intrusive. I can’t wait for technology to catch up with the needs of consumers like myself.

If you’re as efficient as you claim, I expect you to do your job without asking indiscreet questions like the ones you sent me earlier today.

Who names their animals after food? That should be considered animal abuse. Who doesn’t like to travel? My grandmother is in Patagonia with my grandfather, enjoying her life. You should try it. I guarantee you that I’m not an ageist. No healthy twenty-eight-year-old knits as a hobby. Is that all you do? Yoga, Pilates, work, and knit. I assure you people older than you do a lot more than that.

Sincerely,

J. Spearman





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From: A. Walker

To: J. Spearman

Subject: Judging

Saturday, March 5th, 12:56 a.m.



We live in a free country where each individual can name their pets anything they want. There’s nothing wrong with naming my cats Ramen and Sushi. Do you have pets? I bet you don’t. But if you did, you’d get a Labrador Retriever and name him something like Bear, Rocky, Chopper, or Sparky.

I’m pretty efficient. So efficient that I could research your life and find out the answers I need if I wanted to. Unfortunately, I signed an NDA and other paperwork that stops me from doing so, in other words, I have to abide by the information you and your assistant provide.

What are you hiding, Mr. Spearman?

Clearly, you’re a private person and feel uncomfortable answering personal questions. Carla warned me you’d be difficult. This is precisely why you were assigned to me. I promise you, your stubbornness won’t stop me from performing at a hundred percent.

The implications of traveling are far too complicated for me to try to visit other places. I’m not a fan of long car rides. There are other forms of transportation, trains, planes, and boats.

Did you hear about the Titanic?

Planes are on my not to-do list. Do you know that when a plane crashes, there are no survivors? Only one aircraft has ever been able to crash land without losing a passenger.

Needlepoint and knitting are relaxing activities. I can listen to audiobooks, knit, and watch television all at the same time. You should try it. Do you have some kind of maternal issue we should be working on?

Would you like me to find you a therapist?