Loving Me, Trusting You(54)

“Not exactly. Actually, I'm going to leave for a little while.”

Gaine stands up when he hears this, but I don't give him a chance to protest. I'm sure he'll try later, but it doesn't matter. I can make my own decisions, and I've made this one. This is the only way I can feel satisfied with the outcome.

“I'm going to go leave, and I'm going to make sure they know it. When I'm gone, they'll back off. I know they will. They might chase me, but I'm not worried about it.”

“This is bullshit,” Gaine says, moving forward. His black shirt is stretched taut across his body, highlighting his rapid breaths and his quivering muscles. He's pissed. And panicked.

“This is my choice, Gaine,” I tell him and watch as it dawns on him that there is nothing he can do to stop me. If I want to leave, I have every right to do so. What I don't expect is the way my chest opens up inside, how I feel like I'm falling and I can't stop the descent.

“Why?” he asks and his voice is so quiet, it's hard to hear. Nobody else speaks. I think they can sense that there's something going on between Gaine and me that even I don't fully get yet. I look at his face, at the fear there, and I don't expect to have such a strong emotional reaction to it. I move a step back.

“This is the only way I can clear my conscious and protect Triple M.” I stare Gaine down. “It's the only thing I've ever cared for in my life that's still around. I'm not letting this crap turn into some underground biker brawl bullshit. If I leave, they'll stop chasing us. They'll stop recruiting other MCs. They want to avenge their brother, and I'm their target. Kick me out,” I tell Austin, looking into his brown eyes. “Or at least pretend you did. That's going to be your story. It'll make me an outlaw, and it'll protect you all from a whole load of bullshit. I don't want to kill anyone else, and I don't want anyone here to do it for me. You don't need blood on your hands, and I am not f*cking letting any of you get yours on theirs. Got it?”

“Mireya,” Austin begins, but Gaine is coming closer to me, moving forward like he's being drawn.

“Don't do this,” he tells me, glancing back at Kimmi and Beck. “We're a family here. We've been one for years. You can't just walk out.” I feel a sting behind my eyes, but I'm not taking it back. I won't. This makes sense to me. I want to sacrifice myself to make things better. I don't want to argue about women and motorcycles. We already have a tough enough time as it is. If I leave, this quiets down and fades into the background again, hopefully until the day it disappears forever. Prejudice garbage doesn't sit right with me, and it's not okay. I can stop it by simply climbing on my piece of shit bike and heading into the sunset.

“I figure I'll hit up a few shops and make some repairs to my ride. After that, I'm just going to drive until I figure out what to do next. Maybe, in time, they'll get over it, and I can come back. Until then, I'm going to do what I do best.”

“Mireya,” Gaine growls, and I call tell he's pissed, but that he's fighting the emotion back. “This is ridiculous. How could you do this to us?”

“You mean to you?” I ask him, feeling a burn in my eyes that I don't like, but that I've been getting awfully familiar with lately. “How can I do this to you? I'm sorry Gaine, but I'm never going to be the kind of woman that falls into your arms and swoons.”

“That's not what I want from you,” he tells me, voice breaking a bit, dropping that Southern sultry charm he's picked up over the years. “I just want you to be happy, and I know if you leave, you won't be. This self-sacrifice isn't worth it.” I laugh, but the sound is just bitter, not at all pleasant.

“Sacrifice?” I ask him, feeling the other three stares in the room like they're lasers, driving into my spine. Gaine's look, though, is hot enough to melt. He looks like he wants to move across this room and grab me, hold me hostage and never let me go. But he wouldn't. He'd never do a thing like that, and that's what makes this so hard. “Hardly. I'll get to ride when I want and where I want.” I look over at Austin. “And as fast as I want. No rules, no responsibilities. It'll be like a vacation.”

“And if you get caught?” Gaine asks, and my stomach churns. I haven't said anything to them yet, but I'm taking somebody's gun with me. I don't know whose, but it doesn't matter. As long as it's got bullets in it, I'm good. If I have to, I'll kill them. If it comes down to a truly desperate situation, I'll kill myself. I'll never let my body be tampered with again. It's mine, and only I control what I do with it.

“Can I make a suggestion?” a voice asks from behind me. I turn to find Amy and Christy slinking into the room. They're both staring at me with different eyes, eyes from another world, orbs of blue that calculate risks and rewards in a completely different language than the one I use.

“I suppose,” I say, turning to her and feeling Gaine's presence like a bullet behind me, hot and ready to pierce. I'm going to have to avoid him until I leave. I was hoping we could … hang out one last time. Amy's book gave me all sorts of ideas, and the only person I could bring up in my head that I wanted to try them with was him. But it's not going to happen. I didn't realize how much I would care. Making the decision in my head was one thing, seeing it hit him like a brick was quite another altogether. Madre mia, I hope I'm making the right choice.