International Player(62)

I fought back a grin. There was no doubt about that on my side, but it was good to hear that he felt the same way about the physical relationship between us. “So what is it you’re picturing for us?”

I wanted to smooth out the ridge between his eyebrows. He seldom looked so serious. “Well, I like the sex stuff. And lately, we’ve had fewer dinners together, but I like spending time with you. I want to be your friend, hang out, eat Chinese, and argue about string theory and whether Lucas should have kept Han shooting Greedo first in the special editions.”

God, I’d missed all that stuff the last few weeks when I’d been trying so desperately to keep him at arm’s length. “We both know that it’s who Han is at that point in the film. Of course he should have still fired the first shot in the 1997 version.”

“Right,” he replied. “So why stop all that?”

“Because I can’t do it anymore, Noah,” I said, honesty bursting from me as if someone had popped a water balloon of emotions inside me. “It’s too difficult. I’m not that girl. You know me—I’m all in with whatever I do, and I’ve tried with this casual thing but—”

“Hey, casual was your idea. I didn’t put rules in place.”

“I know. I did. I thought it would help.”

“I just don’t get it. What are you saying? You don’t want the sex or you don’t want the Star Wars stuff?”

I folded my arms. “Tell me what is it you really want? You want the Star Wars marathons and the sex but looking ahead, what do you want with me?”

He grinned. “Well, Star Wars marathons and sex sound good to me. Why would anyone want anything else?”

“But I will, Noah. My feelings for you grow every time I see you, and if I were to let you in—stop dodging your calls and ditching dinner with you—”

“I bloody knew you were avoiding me.”

“And I’m telling you why. I can’t do casual sex with my best friend. Not anymore.”

“I don’t understand why you’re having this sudden change of heart. We like each other. You’re one of the few people in the world who doesn’t bore me, and I never know what you’re going to say next. I want to see how this goes.”

“You say you like this now, but what about tomorrow? What happens to us next month? After the Europe job there will be another opportunity. Another mountain to climb and you’ll move on. In New York or freaking Beijing or wherever. There will be a different challenge. And when you leave, I’ll be left in ruins, Noah. I have to protect myself.”

“So you don’t want casual. Fine. Let’s officially date. Let’s see how things develop.”

He really wasn’t making this easy for me. “We can’t, Noah.”

“I don’t fucking understand, Truly. What have I done wrong? What is it that you want from me?”

“I’m not asking for anything. But . . .” I’d never expected anything from Noah. And our time was up. “I need more.”

“I’m saying, let’s date. Isn’t that more?” His gaze was focused on me, intense and almost irresistible.

Why didn’t I just say yes to him? It wasn’t as if anything he was saying was untrue. It would be so easy. I wanted him to stay in London, call me up in the middle of the day, slide his arms around me and pull me toward him, all heat and sunshine. But I’d need that forever. How long would Noah want it for?

“Noah . . .” I said. Should I tell him every single thought in my head? Did I have anything to lose?

“Is this because you’re dating? Have you met someone?”

I sighed in exasperation. “Don’t you get it?” I asked. “It’s exactly the opposite. I can’t hold myself back from you. When we’re together, it’s so easy for me to imagine a future together, to think about being a couple, having kids who grow up with Rob and Abigail’s and hate us because we make them learn the periodic table rather than let them play Fortnite. I can imagine growing old together and fighting over Scrabble in a nursing home.” I took a deep breath. “I’m a step away from being so in love with you that I can’t function. And I know if I let myself take the next step, if I let you in even a little bit more, I’ll love you for the rest of my life.”

Noah’s eyes widened, shock covered his face, and he stepped back. “I had no idea.”

I looked away, my gut churning in horror over what I’d said, even though it was all true. I wanted the sex and discussions about string theory, but I also wanted more than that. “You’ve not done anything wrong, Noah.” I shrugged, my voice wobbling. “But you need to let me go or I’m going to drown in you.”

He pushed his hands into his pockets, his head bowing. “I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to hurt you but . . . This is . . .”

He didn’t finish his sentence. But I did in my head.

It wasn’t how he felt, what he wanted, or how he saw us together.

It wasn’t who he was.

And that’s why I had to leave.

“I know,” I said. “I never wanted it to get to this point. I thought I had it under control. I thought with the rules and everything—this is my fault.” I swallowed and took a deep breath. “And I’ll fix it and everything will be fine. You’ll go to Europe. You’ll meet someone. I’ll throw myself into work and everything will get back to normal. When I next see you—we’ll be . . . friends.”