International Player(66)
I rolled my eyes. I may no longer think that Noah needed to be committed to a mental institution to sleep with me, but I’d never accept that I was in his league. He was in a tier all by himself.
“But more than that, I’ve never seen him look at anyone like that,” Abi said, peering closer at the picture. “Not any woman I’ve ever seen him with. Is there anything you want to tell me?”
“No, like what?” Now things were over, there was no point in confessing to something I knew Abi would scold me for.
“I don’t know. I always thought that maybe you had a crush on Noah. And then when you told me you’d kissed, I think part of me hoped something might happen between you, even though I was worried he wasn’t right for you.”
“Hoped? I wouldn’t have expected that.” I groaned and lay on my back, facing the ceiling. Maybe a confession would help. “You really want to know?”
She shifted onto her side so she was facing me. “Tell me everything.”
Abigail listened without interruption as I started at the beginning, before Noah’d left for New York right up to the night of the winter ball.
I turned my head to find Abigail openmouthed. “So you two have been, like, sleeping together? Since the night of the awards? Call it twinstinct, but I knew something was going on.”
“A little after. Don’t tell me I’m stupid. I know that already.”
“Stupid wasn’t what I was thinking,” Abigail said. “I’m impressed you’re doing something that doesn’t relate to spreadsheets. Relieved is more like it.”
“Well, it’s all a big disaster, because of course my plan backfired and my crush reappeared. And now we’re over. Not that we ever really began in the first place.” For all I was hurting now, I couldn’t regret the last few months with Noah. I’d had fun. Enjoyed his company. My life had been about more than just work for a few months, and I felt more confident than I had in my entire life. Noah had this weird way of making me feel like me but a better, sparklier version.
“Are you sure ending things is the right thing to do? It’s not like he’s saying he wants everything to stay the same. You said he wanted to date, see how things go. What is it that you want from him?”
“You know what he’s like. We might date for a few months and then he’ll move on. Look for his next challenge or whatever. And in a few months, I’ll be . . . completely lost to him.”
“But how do you know? I mean, he’s different for you, right? You said it yourself. No other man has ever come close to being what Noah is to you. Maybe it’s the same for him.” She held up my phone, which still showed the picture of Noah and me at the Ball. “They say a picture paints a thousand words.”
“Noah doesn’t end up with a girl like me. Be serious.”
“What, a woman who he’s best friends with? Someone he’ll devote his very valuable time to helping for the last five months? Someone he goes to balls with even though you are clearly quite confident and able to go by yourself?”
“He wanted to help the rehab center. And anyway, I never said he wasn’t a good guy. That’s part of the problem.”
“But see it from his perspective. He’s been sleeping with you without any kind of commitment or monogamy at your suggestion. You wanted to keep it casual, so you could get over him or whatever. And now you leap from that to wanting, what? A ring and a lifetime commitment?”
“I’m not saying he’s got to propose. Just that he sees a future for us, that our feelings for each other aren’t so very out of step. I don’t want to join that long list of women that Noah has dated.”
“You need to have confidence in the way he looks at you. In the way he touches you.”
“That I’m different? When there’s no evidence or certainty or—”
“There are no guarantees. Not in any relationship. There’s no spreadsheet that you can plug in variables and it will churn out a definitive future. That’s not the way love works.”
Without certainty, I knew I was headed for heartbreak. Why would I put myself through that?
“Maybe you’re looking for the wrong kind of evidence,” Abigail said. “Sometimes you need to give that big old brain of yours a rest and let your heart take over. Give him a chance to fall in love with you, and maybe he’ll see the future together that you can so easily picture.”
“You’re saying I’m overthinking.”
Abigail started to giggle.
“Laughing at me isn’t going to help.” I released her hand, which I’d been holding.
She clasped her hands over her mouth but her eyes told me she was still laughing. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” She gasped. “But you overthink everything. You know you do. It’s your decision but give your heart a vote at least.”
We fell silent, as I tried to imagine what it would feel like to have Noah in love with me.
“I just need to get over him, but it’s not as simple as it sounds.” I’d expected it to feel better the more time passed, and although it hadn’t been long, the pain seemed to be getting worse, not better.
“Maybe that should tell you something.”
“I know. I should try harder,” I said.