Going Down Easy (Boys of the Big Easy #1)(73)

“And you don’t have to be a single parent, remember?” Caleb shot back.

Gabe felt the tension knotting his neck. “Not so sure about that.”

“Jesus, Gabe, do you know what I would give to have my mom living close enough to help out like yours did? Do you know how thankful I would be if I had a brother who was always there to help out? Do you have any fucking idea how amazing it would be if I found a woman like Addison? I would grab on to her and never fucking let go.”

Gabe felt his chest tighten. Yeah, he did know all of that. How could he not? And he’d heard it all before in one way or another. But he’d never really appreciated it. And he needed to.

“Not being a single parent when you don’t have to doesn’t make you weak or incapable or a bad dad, Gabe. So what the hell are you doing?” Caleb asked, his voice lower and his tone sincere.

Gabe dragged in a breath and turned to face the other man. “I have to be worthy.”

Caleb shook his head. “That’s the thing, man. You don’t.”

“How can I ask to have her let me in to be a dad to Stella when I’m not even being a dad to my own kid?” He shoved a hand through his hair. “I’ve just been going along, doing things the easy, convenient way. They deserve better.”

Caleb leaned onto the bar and leveled Gabe with a serious stare. “Nothing is easy or convenient about being a parent. Not when you give a shit. And you, my friend, definitely give a shit.”

Gabe felt a stupid shiver of hope go through his chest. Was it possible he’d been doing some of it right? “I don’t know.”

Caleb went on. “I don’t care if your mom’s been helping with dinner or Logan helps with babysitting, you are Cooper’s parent. Parenting, true parenting, the parenting that matters—regardless of blood or situation—is about the emotions. The worry, the guilt, the protectiveness, the heartache when something goes wrong, the overwhelming joy when things go right. Not even if you’re married, or have a full-time nanny, or only have your kids every other weekend. Because parenting isn’t about the time or the actions. Not really. Anyone can do that. Being a parent is about letting your heart get broken and then healed again over and over and over by something as simple as a smile or a page in a coloring book or a bad day at day care. And later by the things they go through that you can’t fix. And then after that, their moving out and not needing you as much. And then after that, watching them do it all and try to figure it out. And it’s about not walling yourself off from that—because that shit hurts. It’s about not pushing away from that but embracing it because you know that even when it hurts, nothing feels as good as that kind of love.”

Gabe was staring at his friend. Holy shit. He knew that Caleb had been shocked to find out that his sister had named him guardian of his niece in her will. He knew that Caleb had actually looked into other alternatives for Shay, thinking that she’d be better off with someone else. But the social worker had asked him to keep Shay while she researched options, and it took only about three days for him to realize that he was going to be a dad.

Still, all of this . . . this insight and heartfelt, sincere emotion was something.

“And the most important thing is,” Caleb said after a long pause, “Addison loves you. So you don’t have to be worthy or prove anything. Love means you don’t have to be perfect.”

“You think she still feels that way?” He’d thought about that almost constantly since walking out of the meeting last week. He hadn’t wanted to leave, but he couldn’t sit there and reassure her that this had nothing to do with her. Because that wasn’t true. He wasn’t doing all of this just to get on her good side, but he was doing it because she’d changed him. She made him want to do better, to be more, to be everything to Stella and her. And Cooper. Being with her, wanting to be good enough for her, had made him look at how he was falling short with his own son.

“Of course she still feels that way,” Caleb said. “She tried to go after you last week, but we held her back.”

“She tried to come after me?” Gabe was a little surprised by that. Addison wasn’t the type to do that. She was the type to let people figure their shit out on their own.

“She did. But we all knew that she needed to be able to let things get messy. She needed to let things be complicated. And you walking out—and not coming back, by the way—made things really complicated.”

Gabe nodded. “I couldn’t sit there and pretend to have advice for other people.” He swallowed. “And I couldn’t sit there and not be with her.”

“So, don’t. Sit there and be with her,” Caleb said.

Gabe felt his heart ache. He hadn’t meant to worry her. Or hurt her. He just didn’t want her to see him struggling. He told Caleb as much.

“You have to,” his friend said. “You have to let her see that. You have to struggle together. Because you’re a dad, she’s a mom—there’s never not going to be some struggle there.”

Gabe felt a sense of relief wash over him. Caleb was right. If they were going to parent together, they were going to have to struggle together sometimes.

“She didn’t come after me,” he finally said. “She’s still letting me figure this out on my own?”

Caleb tipped back his bottle, finishing his beer, then plunked it down and grinned. “Nope. You’re not the only one who’s changed from all of this.”