Four Week Fiance 2(57)

“And then her heart will break forever and she’ll never speak to me again.” I said, my heart sinking as I realized everything that I was going to be giving up.

“We’re doing this for Mila.” Nonno said. “We’re doing this because I can’t see her unhappy. I can’t see her worrying and wondering. I just can’t. I’ve always been her rock.”

“I know.” I nodded. “I know.”

“You must do this for me, TJ. You must.” He grabbed my hand. “This is for Mila. If she were to know everything. If her parents were to know. It would all go wrong. You know this. You know this is the only way.”

“I know.” I said again.

“Take her to the lake or the beach tonight.” He continued. “Make it a special night. You know she loves nature.”

“I know.”

“Do this for her, TJ. If you love her, in some way, which I know you do. Make it special. Make it special before it hurts. Because we both know it’s going to hurt. If you love her in your heart, if you want the best for her, even if you don’t want to tell her. Do this. So this for her. This is what we must do. This is what we do because she’s the most special person in our lives.”

I just stared at him then. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to tell him that I didn’t know that this was about Mila or more about him. However I kept my mouth shut. What did I know about feelings and love? Who was I to tell him that the things he was doing out of love were the things that would most probably break her heart more than anything else?





Chapter Twelve

Mila


Words consumed my mind. Thoughts, dreams, questions—everything I wanted to know was trapped in my brain, wanting to come out, wanting to be said, but silence enveloped us. I kept my eyes on the sky, dark blue with blinking yellow stars taunting me in their glory. I felt him shifting next to me, his shoulder brushing mine as he moved. For the briefest second, I felt the momentary shock of electricity that always struck me when we touched. My shoulder tingled but my hands stood still, fighting the urge to reach out and touch his hand. The wind was cool now, blowing against my skin as if taunting me too.

I closed my eyes for the briefest of seconds as my stomach churned. “I love you” spun through my mind as I lay there. I love you. How badly I wanted to say the words. Do you love me? Do you think you could love me? If I had to wait a million years for you to love me, I’d wait. Of course, I didn’t say anything. That was too pathetic. I was too pathetic. I couldn’t fix him. Especially not when he didn’t even seem to want to acknowledge what we had. He didn’t want to let me in. Not in the way that I wanted him to. I opened my eyes slowly and stared back up at the sky. The trees seemed ominous as I stared up. I could see the shadow of an owl in one of the branches above me. I stared up at it, wanting to fixate on the owl, instead of the man next to me.

“I always feel like I’m the only man in the world when I come to the woods,” TJ said finally, his voice sounding distant, even though he was a mere inch from me.

“The only man in the world?” I asked softly, wanting to turn to look at him, but remaining on my back, in a neutral position.

“Maybe it’s a dream,” he said. “To be one with nature, to just live with the land, let the worries of the everyday world consume someone else for once.”

“I’d like to climb that tree.” I pointed up. “And I’d like to sit on the highest branch and just stare out at all the trees and let the beauty and tranquility take me away.” I bit down on my lower lip to stop myself from saying something I shouldn’t. I wanted to ask him what his worries were. I wanted him to share them with me. I wanted to fill that void in his life. But I didn’t know how to. I felt like I had put myself out there so much already and yet, I wasn’t really any closer to him. Yes, I felt we were more intimate and sometimes I felt like I was actually a real part of his life, but there was so much he still had hidden. He hadn’t even told me why we’d come out to the forest for the evening.

“Take you away where?” He rolled over and I could feel him staring at me.

“Anywhere?” I said, a throb of emotion escaping through my voice.

“I don’t want you to go anywhere,” he said softly and I could feel his face moving closer to me. “Look at me, Mila.” I felt his hands on my shoulder and I rolled over to look at him. His green eyes were dark in the light, but I could still see the light sparkle as he gazed at me searchingly. “What are you thinking?” he asked me after a few seconds, his face an expression of melancholy and curiosity.

“If I could survive in the woods by myself,” I said quickly, staring back into his eyes intently. I looked to the side as my real thoughts tumbled through my brain. What do I mean to you, TJ? What do I really mean to you?

“You could survive,” he said and I felt his fingers on my face. “Look at me.” He turned me to face him. “You could survive anything.”

I couldn’t survive you not loving me.

“We should go camping next week,” he said and smiled briefly. “We’ll go to Yosemite.”

“Maybe.” I nodded and smiled back briefly.

“I wonder sometimes if anyone sees me, who I really am.” He lay back and I could hear the emotion in his voice. “There are things, Mila, things you don’t understand. Things that make this complicated.”