FADING (A novel)(109)

He steps over to me and places his hand over mine, which is still holding onto my top. He only looks in my eyes as he lifts my hand and exposes the heart.

I know he’s curious, so I admit, “I don’t like it.”

He lowers my hand and shirt. “Why?”

“Because it’s not me. I was trying to be someone different, and it only led to bad things.”

He looks confused and asks, “What do you mean?”

“I got it in a moment of rebellion, I guess. It was stupid, really. I got it and started acting foolishly, which led to . . . umm . . .”

Ryan stops me so I don’t have to finish. “I get it. But, babe, nothing you did led to that.”

I can’t look at him because I know if I’d never behaved that way, if I’d never led him on, it wouldn’t have happened. When I walk out of the bathroom, he follows and grabs my arm.

“Wait. You know that, right?”

When I look at him, I know he can read it all over my face. And by the look on his face, he hadn’t known that I felt the way I do.

“Come here,” he says as he sits on the side of the bed and pulls me next to him. “Tell me you don’t think that.”

The way he says his words almost make me feel stupid. Like somehow I don’t understand, but I do.

When I don’t speak, he says, “Babe, there is nothing you could have possibly done to deserve that.”

My throat begins to tighten when the tears come, and I begin to get upset at myself for showing this weakness. I shift away from Ryan and begin choking back breaths to stop the crying, which is actually making it worse. He pulls me back to him, but I keep my head turned away.

“Shit, babe. I had no idea this is how you felt.”

My voice trembles when I say, “Please, don’t.”

“I need you to talk to me about this. You have it all wrong. What that guy did was f*cked up, babe, and you didn’t do shit to deserve what he did to you.”

I don’t even bother trying to stifle the tears, and I’m pissed that I can’t hold myself together. I yell at Ryan through my cries, “You don’t get it, Ryan! What I did was stupid, and I completely led him on. It wasn’t right, and I knew it, but I did it anyway.”

“What the f*ck could you have possibly done, because I know you, Candace, and I know you couldn’t have led him on that much. But that shit doesn’t even matter because you could’ve stripped down in front of him, and you still didn’t deserved to be raped.”

“Don’t say that f*cking word, Ryan!” I sob out and then begin crying uncontrollably.

He pulls me into his arms and begins apologizing when I lose control and tell him, “I didn’t even really like him, but I was stupid and lonely, so I would let him kiss me, knowing that I didn’t like him. And I f*cking hate my mother for this, because if it wasn’t for her being such a bitch, I never would have gone out with him.”

Ryan tries to get me to stop, but I continue. “You just don’t get it. I did lead him on, and I pissed him off. I never should’ve acted like that. I should’ve just been honest.”

“This isn’t your fault,” he says sternly, and I snap back, “Yes, it is!”

Not releasing his hold on me, he says again, “It isn’t your fault, Candace.”

Turning into him, I fist his shirt in my hands and cry, “But it is.”

He doesn’t say anything else. We wind up lying down in bed for a while until I calm down. We lie face to face, and with my eyes closed, I finally speak. “It’s been seven months, Ryan.”

“I know, babe.”

“I just want it to go away.”

“I know. But it’s never going to get easier if you keep blaming yourself. It kills me that you feel this way. It f*ckin’ kills me that I can’t take this away from you.”

I close my eyes for a while, and when I feel myself start to drift, I ask, “Can’t we stay another night?”

“Anything you want.”





Chapter Thirty-Five


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On the drive back to Seattle, Ryan suggests that we talk to Jared to see about changing the tattoo. He thinks that it will help if I don’t have to look at the heart every day just to be constantly reminded about everything, give the tattoo a new association.

I hold Ryan’s hand the whole drive home, feeling like I need him close. I hate that he saw me so weak when I try to be so strong. I push myself so much with him, and then last night, I fell apart. I know he loves me regardless because he has never wavered, but I want to prove to him that I’m not this sad, pathetic girl, but I’m as fierce as he believes.

When we get back to my house, he carries my bags in for me. Since we didn’t come back yesterday like we had planned, Ryan has to go into work tonight. Feeling a little needy, I tell him I don’t want him to go.

“Baby, I have to. It’s Saturday night, and I’ve been gone all week.”

I fold myself into his arms and stay quiet.

“Come with me,” he says, and when I look up at him, I ask hesitantly, “What?”

“You don’t even have to be around everyone. Stay with me in my office.”

Knowing how he just saw me last night, I know what I need to say.