Existence(43)

This time I didn’t bother to smile at the wandering souls.

They couldn’t help me. I was pretty sure the only one who could was the little girl who’d spoken to ‘him’ and deep down I feared I knew exactly who ‘he’ was and what it was he did.





* * * *

“I have a surprise for you,” Leif announced as he sauntered into my living room at seven that night. I peered up from the textbook lying open on the table and smiled at him. Seeing Leif helped ease the hollowness inside me. He bent down, kissed me on the lips softly, and then laid a brochure down in front of me on the table.

“Gatlinburg, Tennessee?” I asked, reading the brochure in front of me with the image of a snowy mountaintop with a ski lift and festively-lit streets.

He beamed and sat down in the chair beside me. “A whole weekend of skiing and shopping. My grandparents have a cabin up there we go to this time every year. I spoke with Miranda and she has got the go-ahead from her dad.

He’s covering the cost of travel and spending for her and Wyatt, and my parents want to treat you in return for all your hard work in helping me achieve an A in Speech.” He grinned wickedly. “And because they knew I wouldn’t go unless you did.”

Going on a skiing holiday wasn’t something I wanted to 129



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think about right now. Emotionally, I was barely hanging on and I needed to find Dank. I just couldn’t figure out how I was going to find him exactly.

“Wow.” I forced a smile. He took my fake smile as encouragement and opened the brochure. He began talking about all the things to do on top of the mountain. I was trying to wrap my mind around how I could tell him no when my mother walked in.

“Hello, Leif, have you eaten yet? I brought home Chinese from the meeting with my literary agent. Are either of you hungry?” she asked.

“I’m starved,” Leif said with enthusiasm.

“No, thanks,” I replied. The thought of food turned my stomach. I realized Leif was telling my mother about the ski trip and I panicked, trying to think of some way to stop this.

“Oh, that would be perfect, Pagan. Aunt Margie has asked us to come to the ranch for Thanksgiving but I hated to take you back there to witness her mourn her first Thanksgiving without Ted. She needs me and I could go if you were spending the holiday in the mountains with friends.

I won’t feel like you’re suffering at all. That is just perfect.

Leif, thank you. I need to call your parents tonight and get details. I want to send money with her, though, I don’t like the idea of your parents paying for her.” Leif shook his head. “Oh, no, ma’am, that’s not necessary.

They want to pay for her. She has been an answer to their prayers with my Speech grade this year. They couldn’t have paid for a better tutor.” He flashed a wicked grin down at me and then smiled politely back at my mom.

They were planning this as if it was a done deal. Mom wasn’t going to tell me no or question it. I had no way out unless I wanted to hurt not only Leif, who didn’t deserve it, but Miranda too. She was no doubt thrilled about the trip and even though all I wanted to do was search for Dank, I couldn’t. At the moment I wasn’t sure how to begin to look for Dank. My plan had come to a crumbing halt. In a sudden 130



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burst of hope I’d checked Ebay for Cold Soul tickets thinking maybe if I went to a concert I could see him and know he was real. I could wipe out all these fears stirring inside of me that he was something I couldn’t have or touch. Even if I could afford the tickets I couldn’t afford the travel cost to get to his upcoming concert dates.

“I guess that’s what we need to do tomorrow,” Mom said brightly. I had no idea what she was talking about.

I stared up at her and frowned. “What?” She rolled her eyes. “Go buy your snow gear, silly. You’re going to need heavier winter clothing as well. Oh, this is going to be so much fun! I’m so excited about this. You two do your homework and I’m going to call Margie and let her know I’ll be there Thanksgiving.” Mom left us and Leif turned back around, smiling triumphantly, a box of fried rice in one hand and chopsticks in the other.

“She is cooler than cool, I swear. Wyatt’s parents put up a little fight. She was so easy.” He kissed the top of my head as he walked back around to sit down at the table. “You better call Miranda and tell her the good news before we get started. She’s waiting to hear from you.” I nodded and reached for my phone. I was going to have to act excited for Leif’s sake, and hers. The phone rang once before intense squealing erupted on the other line.

“Please say she said yes, please, please, please,” Miranda’s voice sang on the other line.

“She said yes,” I replied with a smile in Leif’s direction.

“FANTABULOUS! We’re going to have such a good time.

Shopping in the snow. How romantic is that? I mean really does it get any better than snow on quaint little streets full of shops? No, it doesn’t. However, I’ll warn you now, I’m not putting my foot in a ski. No way. I want to shop, not visit the ER for a big ‘ole ugly cast. Are you going to ski?” I glanced at Leif who could obviously hear her voice over the phone. He was nodding with a big grin on his face.

“I don’t know that I have a choice in the matter.” I 131