Existence(41)

But an old age, alive and bright, And lovely as a Lapland night,

Shall lead thee to thy grave.

"--_Pleasure is spread through the earth In stray gifts to be claim'd by whoever shall find_."



My shattered heart throbbed. I began to write. The pain inside me poured out onto the paper. It felt almost as if I were bleeding with each word I scrawled. Lost in my need to express to someone the pain inside, it startled me when my paper was taken from under my hand. My head snapped up.

Mr. Brown gave me a small nod and cleared his throat.

“Ah, it appears that Miss. Moore knows William Wordsworth or has already read her homework.” He peered over his half-moon spectacles at the class. “Which is much 122



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more than I can say about the lot of you.” He stared back down at my paper and straightened his short, round structure.

“Wordsworth was remembering his sister whom he’d been reproached for taking long walks with in the country.

He was thinking of her life and the fullness she would experience. He congratulated her or praised her in her efforts to enjoy the beauty around her rather than follow the rules.”

The bell rang and students began scrambling to get out of the classroom for fear Mr. Brown was going to force them to listen to more of my paper, or worse, snatch theirs up to read aloud. He laid my paper back down on my desk and smiled at me. “You are truly a delight, Pagan. I look forward to reading the rest of this in the morning.” He turned and headed back to his desk with a waddle.

Leif walked into the classroom grinning at me. “You coming, gorgeous? I know you like English Literature but it’s over for the day.”

Mr. Brown beamed at me. “Ah, yes, but anytime you want to stop in to discuss its beauty, please feel free.”

“Thank you, Mr. Brown.” That wouldn’t be happening but he really was a sweet, old man. A tad eccentric, but sweet.

“Don’t give her any ideas, Mr. Brown,” Leif teased as he took the books from my hands.

“Ah, the handsome man who owns her heart does not want to share,” Mr. Brown said with a grin that pushed his thick cheeks back only slightly.

Leif chuckled. “You’re correct.”





* * * *

“Now, tell me again what it is that you’re going to do that’s more important than shopping for the perfect winter boots?” Miranda’s right hand perched on her hip as she gaped at me as if I’d just spoken Spanish. I slipped my book 123



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bag up higher on my shoulder and kept my eyes on the parking lot.

“I’m going to go sign up for volunteer work at the hospital.” I didn’t have a real moral explanation for this. I couldn’t bring myself to tell Miranda how I felt the need to give of myself or whatever one would say that feels the need to go volunteer to help the sick and dying. The truth was I hated hospitals and Miranda knew this. She didn’t know why I hated them. She just knew I did. I’d never been able to explain to her how the wandering souls who filled the halls of the hospitals bothered me.

“So, you’re over the hospital dislike thingy now that you’ve spent a week in there?” she asked curiously. I shrugged because my stay had nothing to do with it.

“Guess so.” It was as good an excuse as any.

“Alright then, if you must go do something for the greater good of others while I go do something for the greater good of my winter wardrobe then I guess I’m good with that.” I flashed her a smile and then headed toward Leif’s car.

He’d left me his keys and said he would get a ride home with Justin. I’d fed him this “I want to go volunteer” stuff too. It wasn’t a total lie. I’d decided this was the best way to see enough souls without someone admitting me into the crazy ward for wandering the halls talking to myself. This way I had a reason to be there and I would find plenty of souls to speak to. Eventually, I would come across one that spoke.

“Call me when you get home from your good deeds and I’ll bring over my purchases and show you.”

“Okay, good luck,” I called as I unlocked the car door and slipped inside. For the first time in three days I had some hope. I kept remembering the look in Dank’s eyes Friday night as he held me. He’d been very real. The fact that no one seemed to think he’d ever walked the halls of our school didn’t mean I was going crazy. The fact was I had been seeing people no one else could see since birth. Something was different about me. This wasn’t breaking news. Dank had 124



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secrets and I was going to crack them. I needed to know because I needed him. The answer behind his leaving lay within his secrets and I knew if I could figure it out then I could find him and bring him back.



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Chapter Thirteen


I glanced down at my ID tag. My mother would be thrilled. This was going to look wonderful on my college applications. The more community service the better, well, as long as it’s voluntary and not mandatory. I’d been assigned the duty of reading to the children today since it was my first day and they didn’t have anyone to train me to do the more difficult jobs.

I stepped off the elevator at the pediatric floor and three of the souls I’d passed on the previous floor stood watching me. I nodded to them. “Hello,” I said brightly and they all seemed surprised. I turned and followed the directions the front desk volunteer had given me. It didn’t take me but a few moments to realize the pediatric floor was full of wandering souls. I walked past kids in wheelchairs watching me with curiosity. I smiled and said hello as I passed by them. My heart began to ache for reasons other than my loss.