Don't Let Go(81)

“It’s not meant to be for me,” he said, more to himself than to me. “The only shot I had is a grown man now—”
I got up and knelt in front of him, raking my wet hair back and leaning on his knees. It was physical and a risky gamble, but one he’d taken when I was crumbling out behind a bar.
“And that grown man is still your son,” I said. “You are his father. Maybe you don’t ever get the child part of the deal, but you get to know him.”
His eyes softened. “I know.”
“That’s a miracle.”
He nodded. “I know that, too.”
“And whether you want to hear it or not,” I continued. “Someone raised our son and loved him. You could do the same for this one.”
“It’s not the same situation.”
“I know it’s not,” I said. “I know you feel betrayed, but—” I pictured the words like on a chalkboard. Just read it, Jules. “You have a woman who loves you, who’s willing to follow you to the ends of the earth just to be with you. Crazy town, crazy father-in-law, secret children and ex-girlfriends all lurking everywhere.”
I finished with a smirk, trying to lighten things up, but the smolder in his eyes as he leaned forward only made my skin heat up. On the upside, he was looking at me. Fully looking at me.
On the downside, he was fully looking at me.
“Your ex is still in love with you, too,” he said, his face only inches from mine. “That enough for you?”
As all my breath left me, I was wishing for that glaze-over to come back. Maybe it wasn’t so bad. Definitely had a purpose. My phone buzzed for a third time. Someone really wanted me, something might be on fire somewhere, but I let it go.
Closing his eyes as if completely worn out, he leaned his forehead against mine. Every nerve ending in my body came to attention, and I could hear my breathing, feel my blood move.
“Feel that, Jules?” he said softly. “That rush? That draw? The electricity?”
What I felt was the breath from his words on my lips, and my extremities going numb as thunder rumbled in the distance. Protecting the heart again. Oh, if only something could.
“Electricity is dangerous,” I whispered, even as my lips moved upward all on their own. I couldn’t stop.
“Jules,” he breathed against my mouth.
“I’m sorry,” I said against his.
“I’m not.”
Heat burned my eyes as his mouth claimed mine, hungry, taking, pulling all he could from me as fast as I could give it. My body flipped on switches everywhere as the taste of him filled my senses again. Rain pounded harder, soaking us to the skin, but all I could feel were his hands fisting in my hair and the feel of his neck and face and head under my fingers. His whiskers were rough and scraping, but I pulled him in closer, tighter, needing to give as much as he needed to take.
Lightning flashed and thunder rumbled louder, closer. Thoughts flashed with it. We couldn’t do this. We couldn’t do this. He wasn’t free. And he might run again. And yet those words in my head had been real, and he’d seen it and they were there, reeling me in. My need for him balled up in my belly like a fireball, pushing its way up until I was trembling with it. Shaking as I held him and made love to his mouth, kissing him with all the passion I had, trying to give him the love I couldn’t say out loud.
But it wasn’t just me. As another round of thunder crashed around us, I realized he was shaky too. He pulled away from me with hot angry tears in his eyes and a growl in his throat.
“Fuck, how do you do this to me, Jules?” he said, angry frustration making his voice husky. “I don’t break like this. How do you always break me?”
I took his face in my hands again before I lost the ground I’d gained. “It doesn’t make you less, Noah,” I said, my voice trembling, my eyes burning. “It’s okay to hurt, to feel, to be angry. At me, at Shayna, your dad, my mom—whatever.”
“Getting mad doesn’t solve anything.”
“Sure it does!” I said. “It lets it out and makes you feel a hell of a lot better, and it’s better than run—” I stopped myself, knowing it could go very south very quickly. “It’s better than leaving.”
Even the wind blowing the rain sideways into our faces didn’t hide the deep-rooted stare he gave me.
“You were going to say running.”
Damn special ops people picked up on everything. “Whatever fits, babe,” I whispered. “But you have to figure out what’s right for you.” Damn it, his mouth was right there and I had the overwhelming urge to kiss him again. Before I’d never get to again. I dragged my gaze to his eyes instead, which wasn’t much better. “Just do me a favor,” I added.
“What?”
I swallowed hard against the words I couldn’t ignore. “Don’t leave without saying good-bye this time.”
He looked like I’d just punched his dog. My phone buzzed again, and I grabbed it for something to do so I could look away before I started to cry again. I hunched over it to protect it from the downpour, and saw it was Hayden. Great. At least he didn’t have his own ringtone. The other missed calls were from him as well, which put my nerves on alert.
“Hang on,” I said. “He doesn’t call me unless—Hello?”
“Where are you?” Hayden demanded through the phone.
I flinched as if he’d yelled in my face. “What the hell?”
Noah started to pull his hand away from mine, and I grabbed it, meeting his eyes. I didn’t want to let go. To lose that contact. It was as if he’d teleport back to some other part of the world if I did.