Don't Let Go(76)

“You aren’t the only one that hasn’t been able to love anyone, Jules,” he said under his breath. “And I’ve tried. Shayna’s the only one to come close, but—”
“Don’t.” My mouth went dry and my palms started to sweat.
“There’s only one woman that ever fit that bill.”
“And I betrayed that,” I said. “I know. And you walked away from it. Together we set a chain of crap in motion, Noah. Twenty-plus years of baggage and lost time.”
He stepped closer and reached for my face again, his eyes tortured. “I can’t—”
I grasped his hand to stop him, but the touch took my thoughts away like they were dust. I inhaled a little gasp and closed my eyes, squeezing his hand to my chest for just one second. Just one second. Don’t let go.
I smiled and pushed the hurt away, opening my eyes and lowering his hand. “Yes, you can. We can.” I let his hand go, wanting to back up a step, but my feet had glued themselves to that damn rug. My voice sounded oddly high, probably because the words were complete bunk. I didn’t believe them any more than he did, but someone had to make a stand. “You have obligations now. And she doesn’t deserve less than all of you.”
There were sounds of life above our heads and Becca’s door opened. Noah shook his head slowly—more to himself than to me.
And “Love Shack” rang at his hip.
“Oh, that f*cking song,” I muttered under my breath as I spun around to put some space between us. I walked across the room, finding nonexistent things to pick up as I gulped air. Harley followed me just in case, her nose twitching in interest.
Noah grumbled something I couldn’t make out as he silenced the phone and the kids came down the stairs. The kids came down the stairs.
Did I actually just think that? I really must be stroking. I turned to see Becca leading the way as Seth followed. Neither of them were really kids anymore, especially not Seth, but still. It was a moment.
I pasted on a smile and joined them, and Noah held out a hand to Becca. She stared at it like he was offering her a firecracker.
“Haven’t officially met,” he said. “I’m Noah Ryan.”
She took his hand with a small smile. “Becca White. Wow, you two really do look alike.”
Noah beamed, whether he was aware of it or not, and Seth smiled.
“And you favor your mom,” Seth said, of course registering with me right away that he hadn’t said just Mom or our mom, but that was just my crazy peeking out. “Except for this side,” Seth continued, batting at the long side of her hair. “So, do you start leaning this way after a while?” he asked, cocking his head to one side. “Maybe walk in circles?”
“Ha ha,” she said, punching him in the arm and then aiming for his head, for which he was too quick. She may have acted put off, but I saw something different in her face. Something needy.
“Coffee tomorrow?” Seth said, looking at me.
Oh, he drank coffee. I loved him even more.
“Absolutely.”
“What time are you up?” he asked.
I’ll get up at three in the morning if you ask me to.
“Seven?” I said. “I don’t have to be at the store till nine thirty.”
“See you then,” he said with a nod.
“See you then,” I echoed.
Noah’s phone went off again, just as I was standing next to him again. Jesus, it was like she sensed the proximity. He hit the button, his jaw tight.
“She’s not much of a texter, is she?” I asked.
“Oh, I like that song,” Becca said.
“Yeah, I used to, too,” I said. Out loud. Unintentionally. “Have fun tonight,” I added quickly, putting on a smile.
Seth hooked an arm around Becca’s neck and hugged her, then me. For real. On his own terms this time. He smiled down at me, so grown up, and of course I teared up. What the hell else did I do anymore?
I swatted at his chest and laughed as I swiped at my eyes. “Go on,” I said. “Y’all get out of here.”
Seth backed up and then Noah’s hand was squeezing mine like it finally won the battle. He looked down at the union like he was surprised, and then let go, looking up at me with a sadness.
“Bye,” I whispered. It was all my brain could muster. And the kick to my gut felt like much more.

? ? ?

When the door shut, the only noise was Harley’s tail thumping against a metal vase. I turned to see Becca standing with her arms crossed, not quite looking at me. I wasn’t up for that showdown again. Not just yet. I wanted to know how it went with Seth, but we weren’t in that place. So I walked around her to my favorite spot on one of the couches, sat with a pillow in my lap, and opened my book.
Slow footsteps faded upward as she went to her room, but to my surprise the sounds came back down again. I glanced up from the pages I again wasn’t reading to see her sit tentatively on the opposite couch, notebook and pen in hand.
“Mind if I sit in here with you?” she asked.
I shook my head as all the strings of my heart yanked at the same time.
She scooted back and arranged herself to be cocooned with pillows and an afghan, then opened her notebook and hovered her pen for just a second.
“He’s okay,” she said, not looking up. One corner of her mouth twitched upward as if she were remembering something funny. “Seth’s okay.”
“Yes, he is,” I said.
“I like him.”
“I’m glad.”
It wasn’t an apology, but it was her version of working up to one. She met my eyes for the briefest of seconds and then started scribbling madly in her book. I focused on the pages in front of me and let the words seep in.