Don't Let Go(84)

“Is completely justified,” she said. “Or do you not remember that?”
“I’ve been just as badgered by his dad for a choice I made at seventeen, Ruthie,” I said. “I chose to let my mom railroad me. He chose to leave. We both made mistakes.”
Ruthie chewed her bottom lip. “I watched you go through twelve kinds of hell, Jules. And you were never the same again.”
“That wasn’t all on Noah.”
“God, Jules, do you hear yourself?” she said, swinging her legs down. “You will defend him to the hilt.”
“What has he done so wrong?” I asked.
She widened her eyes. “Uh, I don’t know, ask Shayna?”
“The woman who lied to him.” Which I realized was exactly the opposite tack I’d taken with Noah, but my fence was dissolving.
“Who he evidently almost cheated on if you almost slept with him,” she said. “So he’s no angel in this.”
I covered my face with my hands, knowing there was some merit to her words and not wanting to hear any of it. “You don’t understand.”
“I do understand,” she said. “Jules, you are one of the strongest women I know. No one gets through that wall you have. Except Noah Ryan. He is like f*cking kryptonite. You completely lose all sense of yourself around him.”
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “You’re right.”
Ruthie got up and knelt in front of me. “Sweetheart, you are my best friend and I love you.”
“I love you, too,” I whispered.
“I know what Noah means to you. What he has always meant,” she said, squeezing my hands. “But he is dangerous when it comes to you. Neither of you have any control. And I don’t want to see you get hurt again.”
There were tears in her eyes, and that broke my heart. She was wrong. I wasn’t the strong one, she was. She might look like a waif, but she was a Viking in disguise.
“I know,” I said, taking a slow breath in. “But Ruthie, you’ve got to trust me on this. And I know my history with him doesn’t warrant that,” I added when her expression changed. But we’re adults now, and we’ve both come to terms with how we got here. He’s not the bad guy anymore.”
“He has someone,” she said without blinking.
I nodded. “Yes, he does, and I have no idea what he’s going to do with that. He’s messed up right now and conflicted. They were breaking up when she got pregnant, so—”
She scoffed. “He told you that?”
“She did.”
Ruthie started. “That’s twisted, her talking to you about him.”
“I guess I’m all she has here,” I said. “Which is getting exhausting.” I squeezed her hands again to refocus. “Anyway—there are other issues in the fire, too. He has job options that he might take, he doesn’t know what’s going down with Shayna yet—and I’m not part of the equation.” Ruthie gave me a skeptical look. “Seriously,” I said. “I told him to figure things out.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah,” I said. “So quit with the kryptonite and trust me.”
Ruthie chuckled. “And if he leaves again?”
My heart will shrivel into a prune. “Then he leaves again.”

? ? ?

Four hours later, I was useless.
I checked my phone for the sixty-seventh time, cursing myself for not getting Seth’s number. No answer from Becca on my nine texts and thirteen unanswered calls. All I had was eight texts from Hayden, the one person I did not need to hear from.
It didn’t escape me how much I wanted to see or hear from Noah. We’d never exchanged numbers, so there wouldn’t be anything from him, but I was craving it. Crap, Ruthie was right. I was a hopeless twit when it came to him.
Unable to stand the menial tasks of the day any longer, I told Ruthie I was going for a walk—in the rain, which she knew was bunk but just nodded. And I went next door. Not that there would be anything soothing there, but I needed the distraction.
Wondering what went down with Becca had my stomach churning. Wondering what went down with Noah and Shayna—well, Ruthie was right in one respect. That wasn’t my business.
I pulled open the door, oblivious to the delicious aroma of what the chalkboard specials said was gumbo, and wandered in slowly. What was I doing there? Linny spied me and headed my way with a wink.
“You meeting them?” she asked, gesturing with a tilt of her head. “They’re over in the corner.”
“Them?” I asked, confused.
“Becca and Seth,” she said. “I’ll bring you a menu if you want.”
“Shit,” I muttered, heading their way and waving a hand back at Linny to let her know I wasn’t cursing at her.
There they were, languishing in the far corner booth, and my steps faltered as I watched them together. My kids. My beautiful babies, laughing at something, unaware I was watching. Looking like they’d grown up together. If I could have stopped time and taken a picture of the moment, I would have.
Seth looked up, however, and the moment passed. He nodded and I approached slowly, taking measured breaths as I slid into the seat next to Becca.
Her expression went from open to closed in a split second. Glorious.
“Hey, Bec,” I said.
“Please, don’t start,” she said, making my hackles go up immediately.
Seth sat back and shook his head. “Dude, who was in the wrong here?” he said. “I told you, suck it up and own it. It goes better.”