Blind Kiss(78)

“Let go,” I said to him, but somehow my own body responded to the demand and I felt the aching subside and the building, building, until I was trembling. “Don’t stop, do exactly what you’re doing. Don’t—”

He smashed his mouth to mine and kissed me with such tortured passion, I fell apart beneath him. My back arched. I was frozen in that position as my body quaked. A second later, he thrust into me once more, pulled his mouth from mine, and said, “God.” The word was a prayer on his lips.

We were lifeless, limbs everywhere, not knowing which one of us they belonged to. Why had I waited so long to be with him? Why had I pushed him away all those years ago? I would never understand my twenty-one-year-old self or what she saw in other people. Why she chose Lance. I could list the reasons she gave, but they would all be overshadowed by how much I loved Gavin. How much I still loved Gavin.


MILO’S GAME WAS at one p.m., so we lay there, dozing in and out of sleep as Chet Baker played on the radio. We made love two more times in the guest bed, and once in the guest shower.

Later in the kitchen, as I made espresso for us, I asked him, “Do you feel bad for Briel?”

He pulled two espresso cups from the cabinet. “I should, but I don’t. Selfishly, I still feel bad for us.”

We were showered and dressed and it was just like any other time Gavin had sat at our breakfast bar and drank espresso. Except this time, memories of us together were rushing through me. I’d shiver, my body would react, and I’d try to push the thought away. But a part of me didn’t want to let go; after all, I would never get to experience it again.

“Are we meeting Milo there?” he asked.

“Yeah, his friend Kale’s mom is taking them. We should drive separately, though. Lance will probably be there, and I just don’t want to deal with any drama right now.”

“It’s fine, I get it. Don’t worry.”

I gave him a grateful look and mouthed “Thank you.” I downed the rest of my espresso quickly and stood up from the counter barstool. “We should get going. Are you leaving straight from the field?”

He nodded.

“And you have your guitar in your car?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Before we go, will you play our song? The one you wrote for me for my wedding?”

He smiled. “You want to see me fall apart, don’t you, Penny?”

“No, I just . . . I don’t know when I’ll see you or hear you play again, in person.”

His eyes turned glassy. “Okay.” He went to his car and came back in with his acoustic guitar and started strumming the familiar chords. “I changed a few lyrics.”

I laughed. “Just now?”

“Yep.”

When he started singing, it looked like he was going to cry. I stood behind him and put my hand on his shoulder.

Tonight you are close to me,

I’m inside this time to pray.

Feeling everything I always knew and All the reasons I want to stay.

A minute is forever.

A kiss left on your lips to remember.

I’m your lover, I’m your friend.

You’re mine.

You were always my lover . . . for a lifetime in my mind.

Growing old like this . . . letting go and coming back again.

Telling tales like this . . . of how it all began.

I’ll hold your hand and your babies—I’ll watch your children grow—And one day you’ll say, “Howdy, old chum.”

And I’ll say, “No, I’m your lover . . . remember? And you’re mine.”

It’s been this way forever. I’ve always been your lover . . . for a lifetime in my mind.

I kissed his neck from behind. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” he said without turning around.

After he packed up his guitar, I walked him to the door and said, “I’ll see you at the field.”

He turned to me. “Close your eyes.” He kissed me, and I put my hand on his heart the way he did fifteen years ago. We pulled away and, a moment later, he was gone.


AT THE FIELD, he cheered for Milo and exchanged a brief handshake with Lance, who ended up standing on the opposite side of the field from us. Gavin didn’t say much to me. When the game was over, he congratulated Milo on scoring two goals. I overheard him apologize for having to leave right away, and then he came up to me and said, “I gotta go. I promise I’ll call you as soon as I get to Paris.”

But he didn’t.





37. Two Months Later


GAVIN

I knew I needed to call her, but once we got to Paris, everything was chaotic. I had to meet Briel’s family and find a place for us to live. Meanwhile, she was milking the pregnancy for all it was worth. She was incapable of doing anything. I thought back to that tiny house Lance and Penny lived in when she was about to pop with Milo. She used to dance and take long walks. She shot arrows with my dad and helped build a fence in her side yard. She was just a different kind of woman. But I had to stop comparing Briel to Penny; it wasn’t fair, and it just made me an unhappy jerk.

Two months had passed since I had left. Finally, Penny broke down and texted me early one morning.


Penny: Forgot all about me already, huh?

Briel saw the text before I did. She liked to snoop. Before I even had a chance to respond, she came into the kitchen, where I was preparing breakfast, and said, “She knows manners?” She was holding my phone up, showing me the text.