Beyond What is Given(90)

“I didn’t kiss her!”

“I believe you.”

My mouth opened and closed a couple times, unable to find the words. “Then what the hell are you doing?”

“Just because you didn’t kiss her today doesn’t mean it won’t happen. I’ve sat here for three days and watched you with her. You guys touch each other without noticing. Yesterday at dinner, she drank your sweet tea when hers was gone. You didn’t blink, just took a sip and put it back next to her plate!”

I tried to breathe. “I guess I fell into old habits.”

“And how long until you fall back into the habit of sleeping with her? You’ve loved her your whole life, you told me so.”

“I wouldn’t sleep with her. That would never happen.” I reached for Sam, and she stepped back, bumping into her dresser.

“Well, this morning I would have said that you’d never kiss her, either. And last week, I would have said that she wouldn’t be sleeping in your bed. Do you not see the progression? How stupid do I have to be to stay and watch this happen? Do I need to wait until you accidentally put a ring on her finger?” She let loose a self-deprecating laugh that I instantly loathed. “Then again, with my track record, a ring probably wouldn’t stop me. I’d still let you f*ck me while your wife slept across the hall and you snuck out at sunrise.”

“Sam…”

“Because that’s what you do to me. How crazy I am for you—how much I love you. I would sacrifice everything about myself to have those moments with you. I know because I’m already doing it. And I’m worth so much more than that!” She sobbed the last sentence, and I died a little more.

“You are worth everything.”

She shook her head. “But you can’t give me everything. There will always be a part of you that belongs to her.”

“That’s not true. You have me.” If anything, the last few days had only made that clearer.

“Oh my God, look at your life! Everything you’ve done has been for her. The constant flights home. This driving need you have to be top of the OML so you get your first-choice duty station. Fighting for North Carolina so you can be closer to her. I grew up in the army, Grayson, and I know that there’s not that many people requesting North Carolina, but you’re killing yourself on the off-chance you have to beat someone out. All. For. Her. There’s no room for me.”

“How can there be room, when you have one foot out the door at all times?” I fired back.

“Would you stay? Just waiting to be broken down little by little? Watch your heart shrivel and die when you see phone calls, and text messages, and accidental kisses?”

“For you, I would endure hell.” Fire. Damnation. All of it. Without question.

“Grayson, I love you too much to ever ask you to, and therein lies the difference.”

My hands ripped over my hair, desperate for a grip on anything at this point. “Do not do this. Do not leave me. I will get on my knees if that’s what you need, but don’t give up on us.”

“Give me one good reason.”

“Because I f*cking love you!” The words carried through the room, the hallway, the house, my whole soul. “I’m in love with you, Samantha. You own me, body, heart, mind, soul, whatever there is to give, it’s yours.”

Her shoulders sagged, but instead of looking relieved at my confession, she looked defeated. “I waited so long for that,” she whispered.

“I should have told you sooner.” I gambled and stepped closer, bringing my hand to her soft, wet cheek, and used my thumb to brush away a new trail of tears.

“Sooner? How long have you known?”

“Since you stood up and yelled at my family that night at my parents’.” I smiled at the memory. “I’ve never had anyone defend me.”

“Why did you wait so long?” Her eyes lit with a sliver of hope.

“At first because I didn’t recognize the emotion. It was so much stronger than anything I’d ever felt, and it scared me. But then Grace woke up…and I knew I couldn’t say those words to you without having my shit straight. You deserved someone who had everything together in his head, who knew his path.” The hope in her eyes died. “What? What did I say?”

“You didn’t know who you would choose. Grace…or me.” She pulled back, and I lost my hold on her.

“I never said that.”

“You didn’t have to, and I don’t blame you. I don’t blame you for any of this, Grayson. You are amazing. Strong, tender, smart, kind, and just enough of an ass to dish back my crap at me. You are everything I needed, and you saved me when I was pretty sure I wasn’t salvageable. I won’t stand between you and your miracle.”

“What?”

“I know you love her. I know what losing her the first time did to you, and I won’t be the person responsible for it happening twice. You kissing her may have been an accident, but crap like that doesn’t happen without underlying emotions. And you saying you love me minutes after I find her in your arms? Love doesn’t work like that.”

“Sam, don’t do this.”

“It’s already done, Grayson. I fell in love with you, and your lost love came back to life in this honest miracle. How could I possibly say that I love you and not do what’s clearly best for you?”