Before I Do(94)

“So, Josh isn’t here. Will he be back soon?” Audrey asked, anxious to know where he had gone.

“They don’t have places like this in Yorkshire, you know.” Granny Parker was not in any kind of hurry to put Audrey out of her misery. “You ask for anything here and they bring it to you. They even found me a Yorkshire tea bag last night, I feel like the queen of Sheba.”

“Yes, it’s a nice place. And Josh is . . . ?”

“He slept on the sofa bed last night but then decided he didn’t want to stay here. He’s given me the room.”

“So where is he now?” Audrey tried to hide her irritation that this information hadn’t been imparted to her ten minutes ago, before the song and the backing dancers and the glitter cannon.

“The tree people he’s meeting with on Friday told him about a new farm they might invest in. He volunteered to do a recce, take some photos, meet the owners. They’ve offered to put him up for a few nights while he’s there.”

Audrey felt crushed. Here she was, thinking of nothing but Josh, and meanwhile he was getting on with his life without her. He was using their failed honeymoon as a chance to do something useful. Granny Parker must have noticed her face fall, because she said, “Don’t worry, he’s still mardy and miserable. He hasn’t forgotten he’s heartbroken.”

The older woman let out a long exhale. “Listen to me, Audrey. All I heard in that speech and that song of yours was what you want. Maybe it’s time you asked yourself what Josh might want. Why does he need you? How do you make him happy?” She paused. “Love and marriage, it’s a two-way street. You need more than a showy performance; you need to ask yourself what it is you bring to the party.”

Audrey sat back in her chair and nodded slowly. Granny Parker was right. All this time, she’d been wondering if Josh was her one true love and had not stopped to think about whether she was his.

“You’re right. I’ve been self-involved and selfish.”

“Well, everyone’s capable of change.” Granny Parker paused.

Audrey nodded, grateful for her softer tone.

“And I’ll say your heavy soul looks a little lighter than it did before. He still loves you. Where there’s love, there’s hope. Have you got the Yorkshire soil I gave you?” Audrey nodded. “Then dig deep, and I’m sure you’ll think of something.”

With that, she tapped a sharp finger against Audrey’s chest, and Audrey felt the seed of an idea planted.





55


Four Days After I Didn’t



Audrey was sunburned, her hands were blistered, and her back was killing her. It had been a grueling couple of days, but her bones sang with the warmth of purpose. The work had given her clarity; the work had given her time to think. She had persuaded Granny Parker to contrive a way to bring Josh to the almond farm today; the rest would be up to her.

As Audrey sat waiting under one of the blossoming trees, she saw Josh and his grandmother walking up from the car park toward her. Her heart beat hard in her chest. She had planned everything this time. She knew exactly what she wanted to say, but she still didn’t know if it would be enough. Even from a distance, she could see in Josh’s face that he had softened, though there was a sadness in his gait and the roll of his shoulders. When he saw her, he hesitated, just for a moment. She saw his shoulders lift and then fall as though he was taking a deep breath.

As they came closer to where she was sitting, Audrey stood up, but Josh was the first to speak. “Granny Parker told me she wanted to see the farm. I see she had ulterior motives.”

“If you want me to go—” said Audrey.

“It’s okay,” said Josh.

Granny Parker patted Josh on the arm. “I’ll go read my book in the car. Just reached a juicy bit, so take your time.”

Josh gave a single nod. He was wearing a white linen shirt and blue shorts and had caught the sun on his face. They fell into step beside each other walking through the grove of trees. “Your skin looks red. How long have you been waiting out here in the heat?” he asked.

“I’m fine, just a little warm. Do you still have your meeting with the owner, Leon, tomorrow?” Audrey asked.

“Yes, he’s going to be happy. With the funds we’ve raised, we’re hoping to be able to support buying and replanting several more groves. They’re such an important part of the island’s history.”

“That’s wonderful.” She paused, unsure how to begin.

“Look, I’m sorry I wasn’t ready to talk before, at the wedding or at the airport,” Josh said. “I was worried I would say something I might later regret.”

“You don’t need to apologize.” Audrey took a breath. “Look, I know I might not be able to fix what I broke, but there are things I want to tell you. They’re not the reason things went wrong on Saturday, they’re things I should have shared with you before.”

Josh nodded silently, and they carried on walking up the gentle slope of the almond grove. That’s where she told him. She told him about Benedict, about her day with Fred and the next day when he didn’t come; she told him about her relationship with her mother and how it had changed after Benedict came into their lives. She told him about the panic attack she’d had in the math exam, how it had dented her confidence to pursue anything academic. She explained that keeping those photos had been more about preserving an image of who she had been before any of that happened. Josh walked beside her and listened. Gradually, the space between them narrowed until they were side by side, their arms almost touching.