Before I Do(73)

Sometime later, she sat up, managed to collect herself enough to focus. She worked her way through the first section, breaking each question down into its component parts, but her mind felt muddled, like she was thinking through sludge, and before she was even a quarter of the way through the paper, her time was up. She walked out of the exam hall in tears. She did not turn up to the next exam. She gave up the idea of studying astronomy at university. She had tried and failed at too many things. Some burning fire of self-belief had been extinguished.





42


Ninety Minutes After I Didn’t



“‘The wedding that never was’ or ‘the wedding with no “I do,”?’ which sounds better for my speech?” Hillary asked, putting an arm around Audrey as she and Josh came down to the lobby full of wedding guests.

Audrey shrugged. “Do you think it’s appropriate to do any kind of speech?”

“I’m not wasting a perfectly good speech. I’ll take out the toast to the bride and groom and raise a glass to the good health of Reverend Daniels.”

“That’s a good idea,” Audrey said, leaning into him.

“This isn’t some voodoo shit you made happen to get out of the wedding, is it?” Hillary whispered in her ear. Audrey looked up and gave him a tight smile. “Come on, have some champagne, Mrs. almost-Parker.”

“Do you think we should be drinking champagne?”

“What, you think we should be substituting it with cheap prosecco in a show of self-flagellation?” Hillary rolled his eyes but then saw in her face she was serious. “Fine, why don’t I do my speech now, just to warm up the crowd?”

He pulled over a chair, climbed onto it, then clapped his hands together to get the attention of the gathered guests.

“Ladies and gentlemen, as you all know, our dear reverend has been whisked away to the hospital, but I have an update from Josh’s father that he’s stable and most upset he didn’t get through the ‘I dos.’ Truth be told, it was probably the sight of Audrey in that slinky number that did him in. I did warn her, ‘Audrey—that dress is far too sexy; the reverend is going to have a heart attack.’ Did she listen? She did not.”

Audrey’s face glowed with embarrassment, and a nervous laugh went around the crowd.

“?‘I do’ or no ‘I do,’ I don’t think the reverend would want his dicky ticker putting a damper on things. For those who might not know me, I used to be Audrey’s nanny, or ‘nactor,’ as Vivien called us. I was twenty-five when I met an eight-year-old Audrey. I had zero interest in children, zero idea how to look after one, but also a bank balance of . . . zero. Vivien clearly saw something in me that resembled competence, and there began what would become one of the most important relationships in my life. It still is. Audrey, I know if Richard had been here to see you on your wedding day, or non-wedding day, as the case may be”—Hillary paused to grimace but then smiled fondly down at Audrey—“he would have been so proud of you, proud of the man you chose.”

He said it softly, as though that last line was meant only for her. She’d thought Hillary’s speech was going to be full of jokes and silly anecdotes; she had not prepared herself for sincerity. He took a sip of his drink and then went on, louder now.

“So, on to the things I was told not to talk about: Audrey’s illustrious career, who Vivien is planning to marry next, and bets on whether one of the bridesmaids is secretly pregnant.” He laughed at his own joke, but Audrey watched her mother’s face across the room turn milky white. Then Clara mouthed, “Am I?” to her, as though unbeknownst to her sleep-deprived brain, she might secretly be pregnant. Audrey shook her head, reassuring her that she wasn’t.

“Seriously, though,” Hillary went on, “today is a celebration of Audrey and Josh and their life together. The vows can wait, but alas, the food and festivities cannot. So, let’s raise a glass to Audrey and Josh. Married or unmarried, don’t they make a gorgeous pair?”

The congregation cheered. It was still too wet for the reception to take place in the garden, so drinks and canapés were served in the morning room and the lobby of the hall. Waiters circulated with champagne flutes, and people’s unease about the tone of the celebration dissipated. Hillary had succeeded in warming everyone up to the idea of a party. Josh emerged from the crowd and wrapped an arm around Audrey’s waist. The feel of his arm and his warm Josh-like smell was so blissfully reassuring. Everything was going to be fine.

“To no more bad omens, you said they came in threes,” she said to Josh, touching her glass to his.

“Hurdles,” he said. Of course Josh would see hurdles rather than omens. Josh, who saw the best in everything, including her.

They circulated among the crowd, and for the first time, Audrey registered that all her friends were here—friends from school and university, friends from traveling, from the café, the bar, and the theater, all the stops in life that Audrey had made, picking up friends along the way. She had been so caught up in her family, in Fred, in the drama of the day, she had not anticipated the simple pleasure of seeing all her friends in one place.

“Oh, Audrey, you look divine,” cried Traci, an American friend she had worked with at the gallery. She reached out her arms to pull Audrey into a hug. “I nearly died for you during the service, my sweet girl, I nearly died. How’s your head?”