Before I Do(78)

This was what cohabiting looked like. This was the happily-ever-after great romances were written about.

Audrey had known Josh was organized, that he liked to be on top of things, but sharing a flat with him had illuminated a whole new world of Joshisms. Josh got up at six, even though he didn’t need to leave the house until seven thirty. He liked time to “collect himself” in the mornings, to go for a run and then read the newspaper over a leisurely breakfast. Audrey prided herself on being able to get from bed to shower and out of the front door in seven minutes flat. Josh owned seasonal duvets—four tog for summer, ten for winter. Audrey had only ever owned one duvet, and before dating Josh she’d had no idea what a tog rating even was. Josh put salt in the dishwasher at regular intervals. He had a to-do list on his phone full of tasks, like “update contents insurance.” Audrey had a to-do list in her head, which often got muddled and rarely got done.

“Shall we go to the pub?” Audrey suggested when Josh had finished loading the dryer.

“Why?”

“Because this might be more fun in the pub.”

“It’s a Monday night. We need to make some decisions on this stuff. I don’t have any time on the weekend, and I’m rammed all week.” Josh looked tense.

“I know, you’re right.” Audrey sighed.

“Look, why don’t we work on the invitation list?” he said, coming to sit beside her and opening yet another tab on his Excel sheet. “I’ve made a list of my friends and family in this column, and then a list of yours here. I’ve highlighted the definites in green, and the orange are maybes.”

“Ugh, why is Ester green? You’re hardly friends with her anymore.”

“She was in Pembroke with me, I can’t invite some of the college gang and not the others. They come as a group.”

“She hates me, she wanted you to marry Harriet.”

“Why would I marry Harriet?”

“Because she’s been in love with you since university.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

“You’re so blind. It’s very obvious.” Audrey took another swig of wine, warming to the topic. “Have you noticed, whenever she takes a group photo, she always posts the one where I have my eyes closed or I’m looking in the wrong direction?”

“How malicious of her,” Josh said, nodding in mock sympathy. “Are you saying we can’t invite Harriet now? Harriet’s a good friend of mine.”

“Who wants to sleep with you.”

“Are you jealous of Harriet?”

“No, it’s fine.” Audrey shrugged. “Maybe I’ll invite Handsy Hamish.”

“If you’re going to start inviting every random guy you’ve kissed at a party, then we’ll need to find a bigger venue.”

“Ouch.”

Audrey closed the laptop. She knew she was being petulant. You couldn’t be with someone like Josh and get jealous every time another woman looked at him.

Josh closed his eyes and then said, “I’m sorry, that was unnecessary. Why don’t you just work on your own list before vetoing mine?”

“Fine,” she said.

“Okay, I’m going to take all these boxes to the tip. If I don’t leave now, I won’t get a parking space on the street when I get back,” he said, reopening the laptop. “Just type in all the people you want to invite.”

Once Josh and their huge pile of cardboard boxes had gone, Audrey walked over to the window and called Clara.

“Is it just me, or is planning a wedding not that fun?”

“It’s not just you. It’s the first test of married life—can you make it through the tedium and the spreadsheets. Wait, isn’t this level of admin the kind of thing Josh lives for?”

“He’s crazy busy with this new job and, you know, bleaching the shower grouting,” she said in a low moan.

“I don’t know why you say that like it’s a bad thing,” said Clara. “I’d swap a domesticated clean freak for a man-child any day of the week.”

“I know, but sometimes, being with Josh makes me feel like I’m the man-child,” Audrey mused. “I thought living together would be a bit more . . . I don’t know . . . ripping each other’s clothes off at the door, staying in bed all weekend with the Sunday papers.”

“So, you’re not having enough sex?”

“Oh no, we are, and it’s great, it’s just we have sex and then talk about the online shopping order or whether our wineglasses can go in the dishwasher. I miss the part where we go on exciting mini-breaks and talk about how much we love each other.”

Clara laughed. “Being in love doesn’t eradicate life’s admin—it is not a panacea. Wait until you’re pregnant, it’s like being in a rom-com directed by M. Night Shyamalan. Everything Jay says pisses me off at the moment. All I can think about is when I’m next going to eat or pee.”

“I know, you’re right,” Audrey said, her eyes finding the familiar line of Orion’s belt in the sky.

“Speaking of which, my peanut-sized bladder calls. Chat tomorrow?”

“Sure. Good luck.”

“You too.”

When Josh got back from the recycling center, he looked over Audrey’s shoulder and said with a sigh, “How have you only added four names? I am leaving for Sweden on Wednesday, there’s a lot of pressure on me at work. I can’t do everything for the wedding too.”